The Interview: To Have and Have Not

I’m done, I wanted to get out prior to Covid. It’s only become less desirable. I saw a meme showing the evolution of restaurant workers: starting as a host/hostess, then a server, a bartender, a real estate agent, a bartender …

Well, I admire what you’re trying to do because it’s not easy. You’re trying to switch from something you’ve been doing for years and could theoretically continue doing, but you aren’t in your 30s — when we were all happy when someone tipped us in Vicodin. But are you still bartending in your 60’s? You’re working someplace upscale because you’re capable and you earned that but still, 65? 70?

I remember Owen talking about bars in Redondo Beach, we spent a weekend there and it was party central — beach bars were packed but we didn’t know which ones to go to. Owen said, “fuck that. Go to ______, it’s away the noise and bullshit, about three blocks from the beach.”

Yeah, but …

Owen said, “trust me, it’s been there forever. It’s got a nautical theme, you’ll think you walked into a Hemingway novel. You don’t want the beach bars, the bartenders there are all girls in their early 20s with big tits. The bartenders at this place are as old as your grandfather and as soon as you walk in, you’ll know.”

I’ll know what? What’s wrong with the bartenders with big tits?

“Trust me, you’ll know.”

So we left the crowds and found The Old Man and the Sea. The second we walked in, he was right. Bartenders must’ve been in their mid-80s. There were about six of us and yes, we each knew.

“Vodka martini,” first words out of our mouths. This bartender had probably made 150,000 martinis in his lifetime, you knew your were in good hands. Sure enough, perfection.

But do I want to be that guy? No. I like customers instinctively knowing I can make a quality cocktail just because my age sets me apart but then what? When does it end? Is that all there is? I’ve needed to pack a drink in the car so when I’m driving home after my shift, I can sip on it to forget about the past 8 hours. I get home and it’s all in the rear view — I’ve been doing that since before the lockdowns. I quit the job and haven’t even thought about doing that since.

That’s your sign, all you need to know. Keep me posted with the Mortgage Loan Originating, if it’s working for you I may want to consider that too. Any interviews?

Funny you should ask. Had one Thursday, I think it lasted four minutes.

WTF?

That’s what I thought. Trainee position, I presumably would have the jump on newbies since I already passed the nationwide exam. I just need a lending firm to take me in and show me everything “hands-on” because the studying and testing didn’t really go into the actual day-to-day of the job. It was much like reading a 500-page manual on car repair but never getting to look under the hood. Finally, when you see it in action, everything  comes together. But even with the exam behind me, you need at least 6 months experience to go most anywhere but can’t get that experience without someone taking a chance. Training makes the most sense, then get licensed and see where it takes you.

So Thursday. Had a zoom call the day before with a recruiter, everything went great. She moved me up the chain, set up an interview at the office the following morning. Forty minute drive, 9 AM. Get there early, it’s one of those Silicon Valley-type office set-ups with all the professional vibe of a racquetball court. About six people to the left, some are standing at their desks, one guy’s wearing a football jersey and shorts. Another guy is bouncing a tennis ball in front of three computer monitors. There’s an empty Cigar City keg on the floor behind the front desk, where a receptionist might normally be but isn’t anymore.

Empty board room in front, to the right are the beer taps and the rest of the staff. I figure I can make a joke when asked about my experience, “I know how to change a keg.”

They know you’re going in with zero experience?

Exactly. The recruiter still forwarded me, said I’d be a good fit because of my background and personality. Plus I passed the exam. I’m supposed to meet with Rob and here he comes. As we walk through the rest of the floor, I notice everyone is in their 20s to early 30s and we’re the only two people wearing masks.

Take a seat in his office six feet from Rob, hand him my resume and a list of references even though I see my Indeed resume printed on his clipboard. He immediately folds the papers I hand him in half and throws them over to the far side of his desk.

Okay …

“So it looks like you’re a bartender,” he begins.

“Yes, but I’m trying not to be.” Then I launch into my reason for wanting the job; the career change, and I’m obviously not hiding my lack of experience. It’s a trainee position, for fuck sake, that’s the point. Plus I’m beyond the first screening so the recruiter saw something in me. But all this can’t hide the fact that I’m looking at Rob tilt his head slightly and after 15 seconds I feel I’m losing him. Maybe it’s the mask, am I sounding muffled? Can he hear me? I ask if it’s okay if I slide my chair back and pull down my mask.

“It’s a mandate in Mecklenburg County that we have our masks on,” he says, so I nod and am just about to restart my pitch when he jumps back in. “Am I wrong? Is it not a county mandate that we wear masks?”

I said, “that’s fine, just wanted to make sure you could hear me clearly.” Meanwhile, my internal dialogue is thinking about the 50 or 60 employees I saw behind me wearing every form of sports memorabilia and comfortable pants but not a single fucking mask. Couple that with trashing my resume and references 30 seconds earlier and I’m not really warming up to Rob.

But I plow forward, continue the speech and touch on the same points the recruiter acknowledged favorably. Rob is still tilting his head, wondering why I’m still there — he’s that first date you instantly know isn’t going anywhere. First chance you get to sneak to the bathroom, have a friend text a fake emergency to get you home. Come back to the table and find Rob doing the same thing. So I’m curious what he’s going to say the moment I stop talking.

Rob: I can’t do anything with this resume.

Me: I don’t have experience in the mortgage industry.

Rob: Right, I can’t do anything with this.

Me: It’s a trainee position. It says you’re willing to take someone with a high school diploma and no experience.

Rob: In some cases.

Me: But not this one?

Rob: I can’t help you, this tells me you’re a bartender.

Me: It’s literally called the “service industry,” that’s what this position is all about. I passed the exam, wouldn’t that be a consideration?

Rob: What exam?

Me: The national MLO exam.

Rob: The NMLS exam?

Rob is just being contrarian, although that’s not the word I’m thinking. No, the National Certification Commission for Acupuncture and Oriental Medicine — of course, the fucking NMLS. My registration number is at the top of resume, the one he tossed against the wall. I answer “yes.”

Rob: When did you pass it?

Me: About three weeks ago.

Rob: Why aren’t you working?

Did you tell him you’re caretaking for your mom?

Normally I might have but this wasn’t going anywhere. I figured I’d at least pick his brain for best options going forward.

Me: Wouldn’t a training position be the best step to take, with no work experience?

Rob: In some cases.

Rob used this expression a lot. It was his way of answering the question without providing any useful information.

Me: So what do you recommend I do?

Rob: You need someone to take a shot with you, it’s not going to be me.

Me: Who do you recommend might do that?

Rob: Wyndham.

Me: Who’s Wyndham?

Rob: They’re right around the corner.

Me: They’ll take a shot with someone who passed the exam but has no mortgage experience?

Rob: In some cases.

Me: Anyone else?

Rob: Not that I can think of.

Me: So in the entire greater Charlotte, North Carolina area, Wyndham is the only company that might take a chance?

Rob: Maybe, give them a call.

I reach for my keys and in that split second I look away, Rob was already standing up.

Rob: Let me show you to the door.

I was back in the car, texting the recruiter at 9:10 am.

Holy fuck! What did you tell her?

That it was a less than five minute interview, Rob wasn’t even remotely interested. Asked why I was invited to interview at all, only to be so quickly dismissed? She was solid, called me back and discussed. It was news to her, based on the notes she received for the day. But from it all, I’m guessing Rob already has someone who can change a keg.

How old was Rob?

Probably mid-40s.

This just seems like classic ageism. Probably the last thing he wants is someone slightly older in the office with all those twenty-somethings, someone who might call him on his bullshit. You saw that when you asked to take the mask off, he doesn’t care about the rule. If he did, everyone on the floor would be wearing one. He just wants to make sure you’re wearing it. Best thing you could have done was not get hired at this place. But fuck, what a waste of time.

Yeah and not really useful interview experience. Had I stayed another five minutes, he probably would have taken a swing at me. I’ve got two interviews this week, also training. And surprise, neither are Wyndham.

Good luck! And I hope you realize you probably would have gotten the job if you were in your early 20s and had big tits.

If I was in my early 20s with big tits — between my OnlyFans and Instagram work — I’d probably never leave the house. Which is why I’ll keep interviewing.