According to People magazine, Gwyneth Paltrow is World’s Most Beautiful Woman. Second most beautiful? Gwyneth Paltrow’s publicist. — Dirk Dachs (@SoapyJohnson) April 25, 2013 More from “THE TWITTER COLLECTION …” >> Follow: @SoapyJohnson on Twitter. >> Comment: Place it on Lucky Dan on Facebook.
Any time a guy plays a saxophone solo, my natural inclination is to tap the shoulder of the person next to me and say, “fucker can blow!” — Dirk Dachs (@SoapyJohnson) July 29, 2012 More from “THE TWITTER COLLECTION …” >> Follow: @SoapyJohnson on Twitter. >> Comment: Place it on Lucky Dan on Facebook.
Because “Six Guys” was taking the burger and fries concept just a little too far out of everyone’s comfort range. — Dirk Dachs (@SoapyJohnson) March 27, 2013 More from “THE TWITTER COLLECTION …” >> Follow: @SoapyJohnson on Twitter. >> Comment: Place it on Lucky Dan on Facebook.
Everyone you see in ads for Sandals resorts is insanely hot. Everyone you see at Sandals resorts has triceps the size of my cat. — Dirk Dachs (@SoapyJohnson) August 19, 2012 More from “THE TWITTER COLLECTION …” >> Follow: @SoapyJohnson on Twitter. >> Comment: Place it on Lucky Dan on Facebook.
First problem at Lowes, can’t find black silicone caulking. Second problem, telling the black Lowes employee I’m looking for “black caulk.” — Dirk Dachs (@SoapyJohnson) August 9, 2012 More from “THE TWITTER COLLECTION …” >> Follow: @SoapyJohnson on Twitter. >> Comment: Place it on Lucky Dan on Facebook.
Flagged down the waiter and asked what the catch of the day is. He says, “chlamydia” and walks away. — Dirk Dachs (@SoapyJohnson) June 26, 2012 More from “THE TWITTER COLLECTION …” >> Follow: @SoapyJohnson on Twitter. >> Comment: Place it on Lucky Dan on Facebook.
I’m comforted to know that if my wife and I were lesbians, she assures me that I’d be the butch one — Dirk Dachs (@SoapyJohnson) April 17, 2011 More from “THE TWITTER COLLECTION …” >> Follow: @SoapyJohnson on Twitter. >> Comment: Place it on Lucky Dan on Facebook.
“Abracadabra, I wanna reach out and grab ya.” Most people, having written that, would put the pen down, spray their brains against the wall. — Dirk Dachs (@SoapyJohnson) July 25, 2012 More from “THE TWITTER COLLECTION …” >> Follow: @SoapyJohnson on Twitter. >> Comment: Place it on Lucky Dan on Facebook.
The song Rihanna and Chris Brown should have covered? “You Don’t Bring Me Flowers” — but instead of “Flowers” she says: “to the Hospital.” — Dirk Dachs (@SoapyJohnson) March 21, 2012 More from “THE TWITTER COLLECTION …” >> Follow: @SoapyJohnson on Twitter. >> Comment: Place it on Lucky Dan on Facebook.
Had Siri tell OnStar my destination. Turns out they grew up together, and can’t stop gabbing about this and that. They forgot I’m here. — Dirk Dachs (@SoapyJohnson) October 15, 2012 More from “THE TWITTER COLLECTION …” >> Follow: @SoapyJohnson on Twitter. >> Comment: Place it on Lucky Dan on Facebook.
