Chaz Bono needs to grow a pair

Chaz Bono. We need to talk.

If you’re going to be a man, you need to act like one.

We welcome you and couldn’t be happier to have you on our team. Maybe a bunch of us should meet up at Hooters sometime, say, Monday Night Football? They usually have a special on wings and cheap drafts. Bears/Eagles up next. Are you in a fantasy league? What do you drive?

Okay, Chaz, I’m assuming that close to half of the terms in the last paragraph may be foreign to you but that’s what we’re determined to work on.

You were eliminated from competition on Dancing with the Stars. The judges bullied you, they called you names. You got your feelings hurt. It happens.

Forget sewing on a pair, you need to grow one. Let’s get started.

As for the show, you put yourself out there, people got to see you for you and you’re viewed as the LGBT Jackie Robinson of DWTS.

Good on ya. That took balls.

The judges are mean and there’s always one who’s meanest of all — this happens on reality TV. Deal with it. You know that going in. It’s like complaining that Simon Cowell offered hurtful criticism, MTV put you in an embarrassing spot or Fear Factor made you eat something that isn’t on the Del Frisco’s menu. Well, yeah, they all tend to do that.

I’ll refer you to words valuably imparted to me at a young age, when I too was bullied for being overweight: “I’m rubber you’re glue, your words bounce off me and stick to you.” There’s another about sticks and stones, also quite good.

Man up.

This “bullying” thing is a crutch. You’re 42 years old, Chaz. I don’t care about your gender and clearly the judges didn’t either. They called you “a basketball, a penguin, an Ewok.” The reassignment process accounts for the weight gain, not the issue. You’re cut miles of slack on that, we get it. But people have been called worse without tossing the bullying card.

Dude.

Consider your card revoked until you can demonstrate a tougher skin. The judges are assholes, no kidding. If you were 12 and not on a reality show, I’d agree those names were completely uncalled for.

There’s always a fat person on these shows — this is television. You grew up in it, you should know this better than anyone. There was a fat guy on Lost, Gilligan’s Island, ‘N Sync. There’s an entire show that’s nothing but fat people trying not to be fat people. On this particular program, this particular season, the fat person was you. Did you not look around, first day on the set?

It’s unbecoming for a man to play the victim, even more to be this trigger-happy. You’ve been through too much to rely on that. You’ve come a long way, baby.

If you failed to anticipate mention of excess weight not necessarily allowing for advanced freedom of movement — which most agree is an important aspect of dance — you should have a long talk with your agent. That’s not being realistic to the concept of judges actually doing their job. Don’t get caught up in the descriptions and the words they use.

Would you prefer they lie to you?

Did you ever think that maybe the judges toned it down? Were you asked why you decided against dancing to a “Fat Benatar” song? Did they call you “Fatty McLardass” or question if rehearsals were interfering with your plans to be Macy’s Day Parade float?

Men are stronger than words.

You complain of a double standard — Kirstie Alley was treated better by the judges. That’s fighting fat with fat, bringing Kirstie into this is completely undignified.