Accused Boston Marathon bomb suspect Dzhokhar Tsarnaev named “Sexiest Terrorist Alive” for 2013

Sure, he’s dangerous and in federal custody, but there’s more to Boston Marathon bombing suspect Dzhokhar Tsarnaev than puppy-dog eyes and Jim Morrison curl.

Arraigned last week in Boston on 30 charges — including use of a weapon of mass destruction resulting in death — and millions of young hearts swooned, but 2013’s Sexiest Terrorist Alive* was modest when he heard the news.

“I was like, ‘What?'” said Dzhokhar, who along with brother Tamerlan is accused of killing three and wounding 280 in the April 15 terrorist attack at the Marathon finish line on Boylston Street.

“My first thought was, ‘you must be messing with me.’ Praise Allah, Tamerlan is dead, else the magazine would have put his face on the cover.”

The ever-growing “#FreeJahar” movement would suggest otherwise, illustrating the soothing appeal the Kyrgyzstan-born surviving Tsarnaev brother has with the ladies.

And yes, America, he’s a naturalized U.S. citizen!

“I think I’m a decent-looking guy,” admits the avid wrestler and Greater Boston League winter all-star. The 19-year-old from Cambridge who stayed in shape as a Harvard University lifeguard confesses, “it’s really cool that a guy who looks on America with great scorn can be honored like this. Everyone is going to tease me about it for the rest of my life at a very high-cost prison.”

Asked of the restrictions that come with being a sex symbol, “I’m really glad I’m in solitary,” he said, with just the hint of a Russian accent.

Baddest of bad boys, Dzhokhar Tsarnaev is the one who nearly got away — heartbroken and desperate to replace the soulmate so tragically lost when his big brother died.

His legend set sail in a Watertown dry dock, the internet heartthrob brutally wounded on the fast path to fame. Both physically and emotionally, a new struggle has begun, living in the spotlight — relying heavily on faith while everything around is crumbling — taking each day and every moment in stride.

One step in the right direction, supporters say, pleading not guilty to all counts against him.

“Anyone who calls him a monster is irresponsible, disrespectful to this beautiful young man,” said Lacey Carter, a researcher at Syracuse University. “The desire a woman has to nurture away the negative, balance an attractive face with the shear will to blow up crude explosives next to families, Dzhokhar has it all. Unpredictability, the raw essence of sex appeal.”

Critics fear that elevating a terrorist to celebrity status is to deny guilt, rationalize the crimes and reward mass killings of innocent men, women and children. The magazine’s publisher released a statement about the controversial honor, standing by the decision to put Tsarnaev on the cover.

Sympathizers say the Sexiest Terrorist Alive title is enthusiastically deserved, especially when compared with 30 out of 31 of the FBI’s most wanted terrorists who are also Muslim.

Khobar Towers conspirator Ali Saed Bin Ali El-Hoorie “does nothing for me, and that’s saying a lot because everyone knows how ridiculously handsome he is,” said 22-year old Megan Crosby, who traveled from Oregon to this month’s arraignment. Wearing a “Free the Lion” shirt with “Dzhokhar is innocent” on the back, Crosby praised Jahar while repeating her point that perennial favorites Mohammed Ali Hammadi and California’s own Adam Gadahn are “fugly.”

“They have no case against Dzhokhar. No evidence, no DNA connecting him to any of this,” she said. “SWAT team shot him several times and he survived an intense daylong manhunt. Chills, makes me want to slide a hand down my pants, I’m crazy wet right now.”

UC Santa Cruz sophomore Rebecca Camp doesn’t consider herself a terrorist groupie, but remembers the moment she first saw Jahar. “Three days after the explosions, when the FBI released the photos to the public — I felt a very strong connection with him. I talked about it on my Tumblr page.

“We’re both from dysfunctional families. He’s interested in Chechen history, I am too. He needs someone to count on for the long haul, I get it. I lost my brother too, I know what he’s going through.”

While adoring fans proclaim his innocence, Dzhokhar concedes that thoughts of Tamerlan are what keep him up most nights. Wiping away a tear, emotions spill.

“Why isn’t he Sexiest Terrorist Alive? Why me? Pressure cookers was his idea and he shot the MIT cop, that’s intensely sexy. I can’t compete with that,” he said. “Praise Allah, I killed him with the automobile, else none of this would be happening. My mother is going to be so happy.”

*This article is satire. No relation should be made — from the images, text or ideas within — or conclusions drawn to associate the article to any factual news/entertainment entity, organization or publication. Suggesting an association of that kind is misplaced, done in error. If you are functionally illiterate, an attorney and/or heavily medicated, this disclaimer is for you. Be advised that this is pure parody, fabricated, make-believe and should be considered only as such.

© 2013 – 2021, Soapy Johnson. All rights reserved.