Reports that Alaska and Hawaii have slid south of the Rio Grande are unfounded, both U.S. and Mexican officials confirmed today. This admission included a plea from Mexican authorities to mapmakers around the world insisting that their country had not vanished and was, in fact, still there.
A rash of 9-1-1 calls stirred the controversy, making it necessary for the unusual press conference. Frantic calls from residents across the 48 contiguous states set off a wave of concern for relatives in the states effected by the move or lost in the possible disappearance of Mexico.
Kelly Slater at the recent El Paso Nationals
“I have friends in Cabo right now,” said one Columbia University student, “at least they should be. I don’t know where it went.”
U.S. officials confirm the 49th and 50th U.S. states have not relocated. One source added, “the maps being referred to are displaying all 50 states as such in an effort to conserve space and maintain scale without needlessly showing multiple pages of the Pacific Ocean.”
However, confusion quickly returned when a brief statement by Mexican officials was said to have originated from a location known as “Mexico City,” but this was unable to be verified on a map.
An Interior Secretary staffer admitted that such a move has frequently been considered and Pentagon officials have discussed methods of turning concept into reality.
“It would drastically reduce travel to these states — just think what it’d do for tourism,” he said. “From Dallas, you could be wheels-down in Maui in 45 minutes. I, for one, would expect the people of Alaska to thank us for the warmer weather.”
In related news, Arizona legislators have introduced a bill designed to curb the flow of undocumented Eskimos and Pacific Islanders, recently seen crossing into the state in greater numbers. Meanwhile, Rhode Island became the last of eight states plus the District of Columbia to formally petition the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers, demanding removal of the enormous black poles sticking out from the middle of their states.
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