The lack of significant weight loss over the past 3 years is easily explained upon learning that isn’t protein powder, it’s pancake mix
— Dirk Dachs (@SoapyJohnson) May 19, 2011
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My cat’s depressed. She’s all, like, woe is meow
— Dirk Dachs (@SoapyJohnson) January 7, 2011
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Was it a millionaire who said “imagine no possessions”? — Elvis Costello, The Other Side of Summer
NEW YORK — When 26-year old UCLA grad Alonzo Backman first pitched tent in Zuccotti Park, he hoped his message of income inequity and unsavory dealings on Wall Street would resonate from the 99%, directly to the top 1% of earners.
He never thought he’d be a snitch.
Former Penn State dropout Mary Eileen Wills had driven from northern Indiana to be involved in a movement rooted in anti-consumerism. Finding herself in desperate need of first aid and emergency contraception less than 12 hours after being violently raped inside her tent, she needed somewhere to turn.
Zach Worrell shares a similar story — Occupy Wall Street, the early days — setting up camp, taking his socio-economic argument to the streets of Lower Manhattan and hoping to become part of something authentic.
“We were taking a risk, we all were — helping each other, people in need like Mary Eileen,” said Worrell, in a candid interview conducted three days prior to his federal indictment. “Our efforts would be rewarded with changes in how society operates tomorrow and beyond — a true mechanism of change, forcing the pendulum to swing in our direction for once.”
Bonded by ideas, united against a capitalistic environment they felt had long since forgotten the people on Main Street, Backman quickly found himself working alongside Worrell to organize the needs of their new community.
On Thursday, a federal judge granted a motion by prosecutors against Worrell, 31, dismissing two charges of securities fraud and one charge of lying to auditors. Worrell is currently awaiting sentencing on 26 counts of conspiracy, tax evasion, obstruction of justice and bank fraud plus lying to federal investors, employees and regulators in order to disguise the financial enormity of his global empire.
Attorneys for Worrell contend the decision by the judge points to the innocence of their client — real name Mark David Gottlieb — saying, “the only thing Mr. Worrell is guilty of is making a lot of phone calls, going over his minutes plan.”
While his legal team maintains the insistence there was “never in operation a business of any kind, at any time, while in Zuccotti Park,” Worrell faces the prospect of life in prison but is currently free on a $5 million bond.
It began September 2011, Worrell recalls, “we looked around, nobody had enough anything — toiletries, food, condoms, tamborines, rain gear was key, outdoor accessories, comfortable shoes, Guy Fawkes masks, balloons that hold urine without breaking when you throw them at police. You can’t possibly plan for the duration,” he said. “Alonzo said we should do something and I started making calls,” inadvertently creating Zaxstor Corp., in less than 60 days becoming the world’s 27th largest global supply chain and third-party logistics provider with an estimated value of $685 million.
“I’ve got a buddy in Santa Monica who’s dad owns a freight company and he knows a wholesaler and that guy knows a guy who’s good with numbers and did all the books. I have no idea how the stock market works, that’s for greedy corporate tools who gave us the worst economy since Hoover. There was never an intention to profit and there never was a profit,” he insisted.
Graduating from the University of California, Riverside with a Bachelor’s Degree in Latin American Film Studies and a minor in Library Science, Worrell was quick to sense the chaos that would later taint the entire Occupy Movement and threaten it’s appeal to voters.“Stuff like toilet paper and blankets were donated, but what if you need 250 bucket drums by tomorrow morning rush hour, else you don’t have a drum circle large enough to block a subway entrance? And those buckets are multi-purpose,” he said. “You see a dude sitting on a plastic bucket with pants around his ankles reading a newspaper on the sidewalk at 10 am, that’s the picture of what the movement is all about. Those buckets needed to come from somewhere.”
Starting with a $3,000 investment, buckets became bongos and bongos became whatever the Occupy community required at every encampment across the nation. “We threw in the drumsticks for free. On the sticks was our website, a picture of Che Guevara and a code you could scan with your smartphone to get 15% off your next order. The sticks glowed in the dark, that’s a lot of hours to have your contact info recognized in a dark tent — an untapped market.”
Proving extremely popular were rape kits, which included a whistle and a note to not report the crime to authorities. Tuberculosis outbreak in Atlanta, ringworm in Santa Cruz, riot gear in Oakland, posh rooms at the W Hotel for when you need to get away, the latest Tom Morello CD — Zaxstor was there with necessary supplies, next day and often same day delivery.
“It was pretty easy to build a network, Zach did it all on his cellphone — routing deliveries, confirming wholesale purchases, transferring funds — Zach was always on his phone. We shared a tent for seven weeks and that Blackberry was in his left hand the entire time,” Backman recalled.
“Zach was careful to say it was never a business,” Backman made clear. “No money was exchanged, no actual cash moved in and out of anyone’s hands. No credit cards or banks were used because f*ck the banks — everybody had an account if they couldn’t pay what they owed, no big deal. They pay some this month and maybe more next month. You charge a little something to cover expenses and, voilà. Who needs the banks?
“We kept reinvesting, sharing the wealth, hiring more people, providing opportunity and expanding our reach to suit the needs of everyone,” Backman said. “We made connections, helped as many as we could, saved everyone time and money without ripping them off, like corporate America. It doesn’t make sense to treat people like a business does. Zach’s the one who got all corporate with it.”
It was around this time that Backman was approached by federal authorities who offered leniency in exchange for information implicating Worrell. Investigators soon learned the intricate workings of a complex operation with global expanse. Most have found it surprising that within the ranks of this horde of anti-capitalists, the company’s financial arms extended to a point where many in the upper levels of management were enriching themselves by selling millions of dollars in stock.
In hindsight, Backman said he should have known. “I remember Zach telling me early on, ‘decisions are made in a blink of an eye, the landscape changes in an instant and your life moves faster than ever.’ I thought that made a lot of sense in terms of what we were doing but later learned it’s a line from a Wall Street Journal commercial. What a phony — total Jew propaganda.
For his part, Backman still faces the possibility of life in prison. He was convicted on six counts of fraud and conspiracy and one count of insider trading, but acquitted on 12 other counts of money laundering. Each count carries a maximum sentence of 5 to 10 years. Also awaiting sentencing, Backman is currently back at home living in Benedict Canyon with his mom.
Shares of Zaxstor (NASDAQ: ZAX) traded lower on the Thursday’s news, closing -7.04% to $22.06.
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Speaking of balls, did you know Lance Armstrong has only one testicle? It’s Lance Bass who has two — four if you count the pair on his chin
— Dirk Dachs (@SoapyJohnson) August 2, 2012
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A writer for Place it on Lucky Dan has written a joke apparently so funny that the FBI will not allow it to be told, various wire reports confirm. The joke is being withheld from public view until authorities better understand the nature behind its crafting and determine the wide ranging extent of its power to entertain.
“I can’t wait to steal it and put it in my act,” said Carlos Mencia. “If it’s as funny as they say it is, I know I didn’t write it.”
FBI officials believe the joke to be perfect. The setup is said to be bold, crisp, bright and immediately lures you in. The build-up is laced with exaggeration, wit and charm — followed by a breathless punchline with a surprise twist that is both topical and timeless, a study of contrasts. Reportedly, it’s hilarious.
“It’s a jewel,” said an FBI spokesman. “A real zinger. You’re not expecting it, total redirection. Thinking one way and then bam, over here. It’s a gut-wrencher, a bona fide gut-wrencher.”
The writer, whose name has not been released, was held for questioning and later placed into custody pending the outcome of the investigation. National Security Agency officials ordered the hold, a spokesperson saying the move was “based on the long-term fear that the joke be told and no other jokes seem funny anymore. Also the short-term fear that the writer might be on a streak or possibly working on a bit.”
One high-ranking Pentagon source believes that once people have heard the joke a few times, they’ll be able to process it and it won’t seem as funny anymore. “It’ll still be funny,” he said. “This one’s a doozy, a humdinger. In the testing we’ve done, we’ve found it impenetrable to strange dialects, drawing the joke out too long or flat-out botching the punchline. A knee-slapper like this where you can spoil the delivery or not allow pauses at the right time — it’s nearly impossible to tell incorrectly, anyone can do it. We need to find out why.”
The joke was written by hand on a single sheet of yellow 5″ x 7″ lined note paper. It is currently cased in ballistically-tested ultraviolet-filtered glass, hermetically sealed inside a helium-filled display case which itself is housed in an air-locked, temperature- and humidity-controlled safe room at an undisclosed location, believed to be CIA Headquarters in Langley, Virginia. Protective gloves, goggles and headwear are required within 40 feet of the joke. As of this morning, flash photography and smoking are strictly prohibited in Maryland, Virginia and the District of Columbia.
Under condition of anonymity, one high-ranking senator has suggested breaking it into several smaller jokes or adding a speech impediment to make it more difficult to tell. “From what I’ve heard of it, this could yield four, maybe five solid jokes you could tell at the office or a Christmas party, each funnier than the last,” he said. “I’ve heard it once and am still having it explained to me but from what I gather, it’s quite a yarn. It’s such a howl, they say, that people will pay the 11% tax we placed on it.”
Congressional historians believe the only other time a joke has been withheld from public view was the infamous “Pull My Finger v. Reiner” case, tossed by the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Ninth Circuit in 1955. Carl Reiner, while working on Your Show of Shows, is said to have created a more multi-faceted work with a much bigger payoff. “It was a sweet joke, it just came to me,” he said. “Sharp lead-in and a natural rhythm that just made for great timing. By time the lawyers got to it, all you had left was a fart joke.”
The Pull my Finger writing credit was eventually awarded to Sid Caesar’s entire staff, partly because it was more believable that a group — not just one person — constructed such a perfect chestnut. It’s believed a similar fate may await this yet unnamed powerhouse.
A spokesperson for a well-known congresswoman admits his boss thought “the joke was only so-so,” but she expressed a desire to see more benefit from the windfall the joke will likely produce — “cut a wider cloth and not simply rain profit for one.” The congresswoman restated her beliefs that the joke be retooled in committee and the writing credit shared between several people, some who may be actual joke writers.
So how funny is it?
“Laughter is the best medicine and this joke is stronger than chemo,” said a Facebook fan of Place it on Lucky Dan (click here to join), who admits hearing it and has since been placed in witness protection. “Can it actually cure cancer? I don’t know. When I heard it, I laughed so hard I reaggravated my sciatica. But in process of laughing so hard, it self-repaired. Who knows? It’s way better than the original Pull My Finger, it’s that good.”
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In the end, his digital likeness died as he lived.
Eyewitnesses describe a rumbling noise followed by flashes of light. In the end, Hologram Tupac Shakur was dead — gunned down in the Las Vegas night early Thursday, the 16th anniversary of the rapper’s actual death. He was only five months old.
What happened on the corner of Paradise Road and East Tropicana Ave., is still unfolding but sources inside the computerized graphics industries are pointing to an ongoing feud between James Cameron’s Digital Domain, and two hologram-imaging companies, AV Concepts and U.K.-based Musion Systems. The three companies had combined forces in creating Hologram Tupac to perform alongside Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg at the Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival in April.
Just days ago, Digital Domain filed for bankruptcy less than 10 months after going public, leading to bad blood between stockholders and fans of the late rapper, who was shot roughly half a mile from the scene in 1996 and died six days later. The New York Stock Exchange on Tuesday delisted the company.
Shares had tumbled in recent weeks after Digital Domain announced it had missed debt payments, was cutting 300 jobs and the CEO had resigned. “Thug Life” on Wall Street led Roth Capital to cut its rating to neutral from buy, after the stock had plummeted 88%. Members of Hologram Tupac’s entourage vowed retaliation.
“What the f— is up, Coachella!”
Bursting onto the scene at the annual three-day music and arts festival, the holographic Shakur performed “2 Of Amerikaz Most Wanted” and “Hail Mary” before a wowed audience. The show drew massive attention and talk followed of a digital tour featuring Tupac.
Since April, the TeleHuman Tupac had been the single most in-demand speaker within the audio/visual holographic videoconferencing community. Beamed onto the A-list at Cisco retreats and recently tapped as an ambassador by Kinect for its motion sensing, 3D-projected games technology, ZDNet hailed the hologram as “the defining TelePresence of our generation.”
In Las Vegas to speak at a symposium on Digital Holography and Three-Dimensional Imaging, Hologram Tupac had been projected inside the passenger seat of an SUV driven by Suge Knight, after a scuffle inside the MGM Grand lobby with a digital designer from Lucasfilm, Ltd., forced an early exit from the conference. The fight was captured on the hotel’s video surveillance.
At roughly 12:15 am, while stopped at a red light heading east on Tropicana, a white, four-door, late-model Lexus pulled up to the SUV’s right side, rolled down a window, and rapidly fired a volley of laser-like pulses at Shakur. He was hit in the chest, pelvis, right hand and thigh. One of the rounds ricocheted into Shakur’s right lung, which onlookers say created an impressive light display.
Representatives for AV Concepts and Musion Systems deny involvement, although the technology described by witnesses is said to resemble Musion’s Eyeliner™ high definition holographic video projection technology, which allows spectacular three-dimensional moving images to appear within a live stage setting.
Arriving on the scene, police and paramedics found Shakur unresponsive. Eyewitnesses reported glowing embers littering street, near the cross-section of Paradise Road.
“First there was a rumble, like in Jurassic Park or Tremors,” said a witness. “Then, remember in Transformers, there’d be, like, this motion blur where the robots really seemed to be there — not just superimposed? Kind of like that. There was a millisecond distortion of the image, then a cutaway to where the hologram hit the pavement. It was quite effective.”
Another onlooker seemed to implicate James Cameron, citing the obvious transparency algorithms in 3D modeling which led to this morning’s climatic crime scene. “I’m not saying it was him in the car, let’s get that straight. It was dark and the windows were tinted, but the effects were impressive and clearly cutting edge,” she said. “Where Terminator 2: Judgment Day was an object-lesson in reflection-mapping, the hologram murder of Tupac formed a connection between the artificial element and the real world in ways I’ve never experienced.”
Not all were convinced, some saying the effects weren’t at all believable, like Anaconda 3 or The Mummy Returns. Investigators privately admit this might simply be an attempt to flush out suspects by preying on the artist’s pride or, more importantly, a desperate attempt to continue a narrative that Hologram Tupac is still alive.
Fans on the scene seemed otherwise persuaded. “The surfaces and lighting were flawless,” an onlooker said, “but crucially it was the accuracy of the physics behind the CGI that sold it — the shadows, the contrast of the real life images and the projection done so seamlessly. It’s the little things, but it makes a huge difference.”
Shakur’s family will hold a private funeral for the hologram on Sunday in Las Vegas, which will be videoconferenced in HD by Cisco in the hopes of bringing customers, suppliers, fans and partners face-to-face around a highly secure virtual meeting table.
Las Vegas Police report that the remaining filaments of Hologram Tupac Shakur’s image were swept from the crime scene, cremated and some of his ashes were later mixed with marijuana and smoked by members of the Outlawz.
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The United States is the world’s top exporter of sperm, which is shocking, considering we have the Kardashians and they are net importers.
— Dirk Dachs (@SoapyJohnson) April 26, 2012
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When Peter Dinklage has a 5-Hour Energy Drink, it’s actually a 10-Hour Energy Drink.
— Dirk Dachs (@SoapyJohnson) May 5, 2012
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BURLINGTON — In an ever-growing sign of the times, another local business shuts its doors and a Vermont landmark becomes a memory. For a city known for its gravy fries, premium ice cream and a fondness for microbrew, the news hits especially hard. But it’s 2011 and as goes Nicotine Jim’s, so goes the nation.
Pioneer brewmaster Jim Sullivan — who single-handedly established the Burlington brew scene nearly 40 years ago — embraced his final days before closing for good on Sunday. While he has no regrets, he places full responsibility for this ending of an era squarely at the hands of a poor economy.
“It’s not like this is the first time we’ve ridden the highs and lows,” Sullivan says. “You sock some away in the good times because you know the bad is right around the corner. You learn how to manage when things get tight and that helps you take better advantage of opportunity when the tide rolls back in. ‘Turn, turn, turn.’ We should have been able to weather this if not for the horrible mess the economy’s in.”
Sullivan has put as much of himself into his work as a man can possible hope to achieve. Opening his first brewpub in a basement dentist’s office on the corner of College and Pine, Sullivan sold beer by the growler until receiving his license to sell alcohol in 1977. A short “reconfiguring,” as he calls it, saw a 6-month sentence reduced to time served and a new approach to business had emerged. Those humble beginnings laid the foundation to an enterprise that seemingly should have avoided demise.
“It’s not like we haven’t changed with the times,” he said. “We’ve met customer demand and always strived to offer new brews and menu items to keep things fresh and interesting. Unemployment’s getting worse and gas prices are shooting up, now inflation — people aren’t going out as often and it really hurt us.”
When asked about mistakes he may have made or a differing approach to business, the name “Nicotine Jim’s” invariably comes up. Much like Kentucky Fried Chicken adopted a less fried-sounding “KFC” to rebrand its image, Sullivan admits that, for years, many suggested he reconsider.
“It’s the same name we’ve always had. It’s who we are — Nicotine Jim’s,” he said. “I smoke cigars and my name is Jim. I’ve always smoked cigars, but not on the property. This entire building is non-smoking — it’s just words on a sign. If the public didn’t like the name 30 years ago, we never would have made it this far.
“They don’t call me ‘NJ’ or ‘N-Jim.’ I pose for pictures with a cigar in my hand, it’s what customers expect. Should Jimmy Buffett change the name of “Margaritaville” because it isn’t really a town? We built something strong here and it only got better. I get how the name became a negative but people always knew what they’re getting when they came to Nicotine Jim’s.”
Some may beg to differ, as both Sullivan and Nicotine Jim’s Inc., are facing fines of up to $272,000 after being cited with 48 serious health and safety violations. The Department of Labor’s Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) launched an investigation in September 2010 after “numerous serious and willful violations” were issued at the main brewery in Williston as well as the landmark Burlington brewpub.
Sullivan admits the OSHA investigation has has hampered business.
“But mainly it’s the economy,” he says. “Business was already slow by time that thing started and I’ve said countless times it was a witch-hunt that had more to do with what was on the label than what was inside the bottle.
“We’ve used the same ingredients for years, we’ve never changed the formulas. Only recently — a few months before this OSHA thing — that’s when we decided to update the names,” Sullivan said. “The public demanded more detail and a more honest brew. We answer to the customer, not the government.”
The beer receiving the most OSHA violations was Nicotine Jim’s Fecal Pale Ale. In a sworn affidavit, Sullivan describes it as “robust, a little hoppy and the fecal matter is 100% organic. The farm that provides it uses all-natural products and absolutely no pesticides. It’s actually the same pig farm that grows the broccoli rabe we serve with the double grilled pork chops, which is a very fine pairing with the pale ale. This was always our most popular seller, before the economy went south.”
Also cited were: Skunk Piss Lager (“unpretentious and spirited with a distinctive, unmistakable finish. Balances nicely with the broiled tomatoes or a marinara-based pasta dish”), the Hepatitis B Witbier (“Lively flavor that stays with you. Great to share, maybe you shouldn’t. The actual virus is mine, transmitted through saliva and venereal fluids, but the dose is low so as not to intimidate the subtle maltiness of a wheat beer”) plus the Lambdick Lambic (“exactly as it sounds. It doesn’t quite match the fruitiness of, say, a Magic Hat #9 but it’s refermented with sour cherries so it’s almost a bit of a Kriek, not too sweet and not at all gamey”).
Also receiving coverage by OSHA and the Sullivan affidavit: Pantry Weevil Oatmeal Stout (“totally by accident but it’s hard to tell with a stout. We tried going back to weevil-free but customers said it lacked the starchiness and clarity, it wasn’t as clean. It hit me — bingo. The weevils act like finings, they’re a clarifying agent. Without them, the stout didn’t hold up nearly as well in a black and tan mixed with the Fecal Pale Ale. The half-pound sirloin burger soaked in stout? We’d serve 50 of those a day.”); Missing Daughter Alert Amber (“a horrible beer. It tastes awful but it was meant to be in bad taste, that’s what it is. Not a good seller. Like drinking motor oil from a dirty sock, which is sometimes what it might have been. Never the same recipe twice. Our waitstaff reported 32 registered sex offenders since we changed the name because usually they were the only people who would order it”).
Not cited but mentioned: Cock Block Doppelbock and “Porter?? I hardly knew her” also the strangely not investigated Jim’s Own Cream Ale as well as The 69, a bitter-style ale that’s top-fermented and bottom-fermented at the same time.
Up next for Sullivan? He says a lot remains up in the air but a long vacation is probably in order.
“The arraignment is in two weeks and I’m probably going away for a while,” he says, “but that’s what happens in an economy like this. I’ll still find ways to be creative. Even if it’s just bread and water, there’s always a way to add some spice to the mix.”
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