The Daily Horoscope


Aries: (March 21 – April 19) — Get acquainted with superiors at work. Mix business and pleasure with vodka and tonics and stroll up the corporate ladder. Find a better use for that gazebo.

Taurus: (April 20 – May 20)— Urinate in public. Try something you’ve never done before or again as if it’s the first time. Use your gift of patience — the charges will be dropped but you’ll still be in violation of your parole.

Gemini: (May 21 – June 21) — An excellent afternoon to take risks behind the wheel. Drink a type of liquor you’re not familiar with and don’t eat lunch. You are Superman™!! Take a larger than usual dose of pain killers and spend the evening at home. Rent something upbeat and have the cell phone handy.

Cancer: (June 22 – July 22) —Time away is necessary to prevent you from doing something you’ll regret later. And yes, it is a federal offense so don’t even think about it. It’s not so much her age, it’s taking her across state lines that’s the issue. Find your power anthem and — who cares about the neighbors — sing it to your heart’s content.

Leo: (July 23 – Aug. 22) — An early morning phone call starts your day. The person with the most to gain from your personal failures is closer to you than you think. Use a high-caliber revolver to assure success. Find an alternative to your current fabric softener.

Virgo: (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22) — Visit a loved one whom you despise. Learn he/she has cut you out of the will. Remove him/her from respirator. Indulge yourself in chocolate or a new wardrobe. Today is a “me” day.

Libra: (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22) — Wake up early. Fix a large breakfast. Work through lunch and take off early. Go left on Pine Street and straight on Maple to avoid traffic. Feed the dog. Call your parents. Rent a movie. Go to bed.

Scorpio: (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21) — Vacation for a few days with the only woman you can stomach. If she doesn’t yet realize you are sincere, don’t bring her back. Green is your power color.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) — A bad investment in your past still haunts you. The FBI may consider a deal if you would only agree to testify. Step down from the ledge and let’s talk about this, just you and I. There isn’t a single problem in this world that can’t be reasoned out and discussed. Look, I hate cops too. They think they’re all high and mighty and better than most people. Don’t worry about them — it’s just you and me here, we’ll figure it out. It’s cold and it’s rainy out there and I’m sure we’d both rather talk about this inside. What do you say?

Capricorn: (Dec. 22 – Jan 19) — Meet the man of your dreams in a near fatal head-on collision. Envision God pulls you both from the wreckage and gives you each another chance, providing you come back in each other’s body. Rebirth may lead you to the publishing career you’ve always desired.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)— Do something you might regret later. The swiftest way to a man’s heart is through the sternum but that doesn’t always have to be your first impulse. Make a pot of coffee using Red Bull instead of water and take a shot every minute for one hour. Dare strangers to kick your ass.

Pisces: (Feb. 19 – March 20) — Take criticism the wrong way. The self-esteem and confidence you lack is nothing that a bottle of booze and a cheap hooker can’t take care of. Remember and practice this remedy throughout your entire congressional term.

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