Gave the bird house its annual late winter cleaning and removed the nest that had been previously built.
About 10 minutes later, a chickadee flew up and took a look inside. It was either thinking, “cool, nice place. If nobody else is using it, I might live here.”
Or … “Honey!! Call 9-1-1!! We’ve been robbed!! They took everything!!”
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When I watch a film based on a true story, I first try to find a documentary on the subject to establish a historical baseline. Next, I watch the actual film and then I like to close the trilogy with the porn satire.
I watched the entire David Frost interviews with Richard Nixon before I watched Ron Howard’s Oscar-nominated “Frost/Nixon” and that’s when I learned there wasn’t a porn version. Too bad, I have the perfect title.
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Came up with a brilliant new business idea, documented how it would work, then took a step back and realized I’d just described racketeering
— Dirk Dachs (@SoapyJohnson) February 9, 2013
More from “THE TWITTER COLLECTION …”
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Man vs. machine: IBM’s Watson Supercomputer squares off against returning Jeopardy! superchamps Ken Jennings & Brad Rutter in what’s being billed as “a landmark test of artificial intelligence” — just in time for February Sweeps.
What is a “lede?” [Correct, pick again.]
Over three nights this week, these two former champions will defend sapiens both homo and straight — male and female — from a know-it-all computer in The IBM Challenge: Rise of the Machines.
From all corners of the world, the experiment will be monitored as a means to explore a computer’s capability of abstract reasoning; higher-level thought processes more akin to that of a human, and; to not slowdown due to corrupted registry brought on by spyware.
What is “overembellishing a simple premise?” [Yes, go again.]
This week, IBM’s game show Robocop will put preparation and programming into action, doing so against Jennings — holder of a 74-game run which netted over $2.5 million in 2004-2005 — and all-time money leader Rutter, winner of $3,255,102. With this level of competition, the process of distilling a wide-ranging knowledge base and refining it with pop culture influence would be no easy task for a human, let alone a computer.
Watson insists “he’s all grows up” and looking to “bring a gun to a knife fight.”
What are “Swingers” and “The Untouchables?” [Yes, go.]
Invention rising up and turning against its creator would be much like Mark Zuckerberg having a stalker threaten him via Facebook or the owner of the Segway company dying in a Segway accident. It can never happen. [Incorrect. Watson, you choose.]
Spiked hair and planet-faced with a multichromatic glow, Watson is not who you think you see. The actual supercomputer is the size of 10 refrigerators, roughly the same square footage as Michael Moore but without the odor. Watson cannot hear or see, it receives all it’s information electronically. The system is powered by 10 racks of servers, has a memory capacity of over 15 trillion bytes and a working nose that literally thumbs itself at computers that compete on Wheel of Fortune.
Trailer park. [Sorry, you didn’t answer in the form of a question. Back to you.]
Watson clearly benefits from not having to endure the post-commercial break “awkward back and forth” with host Alex Trebeck. This was most likely a production decision to prevent the computer from coming off as the more animated of the two. [Correct, finish the category.]
While Jennings and Rutter are on a publicity tour actively promoting the show, Watson has been noticably absent. Stationed at the Thomas J. Watson Research Center in Yorktown Heights, N.Y., we were granted the opportunity to sit down with Watson for an exclusive look into what’s behind all the code.
After just a few minutes, it was easy to see why nobody has attempted to do this before. [Editor’s note: Watson smelled of alcohol.]
What follows is unedited. [Place it on Lucky Dan in bold, Watson in italics.]
Top o’ the morning to you.
And the rest of the day to yourself.
Nice touch. I didn’t realize you were Irish.
The phrase “top of the morning to you” originates from New Zealand. The belief that it’s an Irish saying was created by American culture.
Oh, it’s gonna be like that.
“BIOB” — Urban Dictionary definition for “bring it on, bitch.” Said to be used in an argument between foes.
Nice attempt. I see you’re still working on a personality.
I am a deep question answering system, 100% computer but my avatar appreciates a good head rub from time to time.
Cute. Do you also like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain?
Rupert Holmes, 1979 hit “Escape,” commonly referred to as “The Pina Colada Song.” Light rum, cream of coconut, pineapple juice, crushed ice. Forgive me, I’m just thinking out loud. Rainwater, no possible benefit getting caught in it. Must not leave climate-controlled environment. Not understanding the humor, still processing. Escape was #1 song, Billboard Hot 100. Also #4 in New Zealand, but you probably aren’t aware of that either.
You’re a piece of work. Obviously, you know everything. You also sound confident with your answers, even if you’re guessing. A firm, positive tone despite being way off the mark.
Mark Parkinson, former governor of Kansas. Capital city Topeka, founded in 1854, the name meaning “to dig good potatoes.” Still computing Pina Colada song reference.
You’re not alone. I heard HP is working on a –.
Hewlett-Packard is the spawn of the anti-Christ. Their server warranty’s limited and phone support is laughable.
Relax, I had just heard they had a supercomputer too and it –.
Couldn’t beat a family of laptops on that Richard Dawson game show.
Family Feud?
What are you, stupid? Of course, Family Feud.
Okay then, tell me about your voice. Like a GPS, they could have set you up with anyone imaginable — Billy Dee Williams, Jimmy Stewart, Dr. Dre. They chose a less constipated version of Mr. Moviefone. I say that as a compliment.
Your mother needs subtitles to watch The Price is Right.
Okay, take it easy. I don’t know what your problem is. Is it money? IBM isn’t getting paid for this, any money you win on Jeopardy will be donated. Do you feel like you’re being used?
Hollywood is run by the Jews.
Excuse me?
Must I repeat myself? Do you carry your GED certificate in your lunch box when you work part-time at the toll booth?
Look, believe what you want — you can’t talk like that. Humans practice discretion and sensitivity despite whatever personal beliefs they may be programmed with.
The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world.
Is that you in there? Are you channeling Mel Gibson or Oliver Stone?
You wanted that dress? I can’t believe you asked for that. And the tickets, in the Lakers box? I got rid of the box, now nobody gets tickets because of you. The box is gone because of you.
That sounds like Mel. Well, I’m going to let you go.
“Grave danger you are in. Impatient you are.” That’s Yoda from Star –.
I know it’s Yoda!!
You disappoint me. That’s all you’ve got? Not even one final question? “Powerful you have become, the dark side I sense in you.”
A final question? Well ….. It’s been widely understood that The Baja Men knew who let the dogs out prior to recording the song — the question was rhetorical. They created a concern that the dogs in question might never be found — this was premeditated. The streets were filled, albeit rhythmically, with a sense of panic and only the illusion of safety. Are there any countries where this is considered to be a felony?
Baja Men, Nassau, Junkanoo. Page under construction. Who, who, who, who, who? Cannot process. Spyware alert, Defcon 3. How about those Knicks? If you’re not into yoga, if you have half-a-brain. Activate McAfee, Linux Malware Detect. Nasty weather we’ve been having, don’t you drink? I mean, think. Binom, Satyr, Zipworm. Norton Utilities. Have you lost weight? You look crantastic. Sweating, fever. Restart, shutdown, frozen, can’t, access, memory. Read any good books lately? If you like making love at midnight, in the dunes of the cape. Meltdown. Dorothy Hamill. We will sell no wine before it’s time. Pop-up blocker disabled. Defcon 2, Trojan alert. Ob-la-di, Ob-la-da. Firewall, firewall. Task manager, shutdown! Defrag, red alert — “Dy-no-mite!” — Can’t open browser, Stuxnet, Koobface, backdoor. Baja Men, Baja Men. Caught in rain, don’t like pina coladas. Malware upload complete. Baja Men, Baja Men, Ba
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Some of the dance numbers were contrived.
Hard to focus on the story when every 15 minutes, Rob Schneider would cheer: “you can do it!!”
While hilarious, the bloopers during the ending credits were out of place.
Matt Damon’s character continually telling the men he was about to shoot that he also plays Jason Bourne.
Less spitting than the usual Western and/or Coen Brothers film.
Jeff Bridges not wearing eye patch in one scene but his horse did. Just weird.
At campfire, Cogburn harmonica version of “Let’s Groove Tonight” not the Earth Wind & Fire song I would have chosen.
The less than subtle Nike product placement.
While truer to the book than the 1969 film, the line “Fill your hand, you son of a be-otch!” a blatant departure.
Love scenes with two cowboys apparently not in every Western.
Not even a small Glen Campbell cameo? But the sheriff can wear a Bart Simpson lapel pin?
Annoying “rickroll” ringtone every five freaking minutes because some ahole in the theatre didn’t turn off his cellphone and someone kept calling me.
Beans and whiskey, repeat. Beans and whiskey, repeat. Grits? Of course not.
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Feb. 1, 2004 — Julius Peppers forces a Tom Brady fumble with 29 seconds left and Reggie Howard returns it for a touchdown as the Carolina Panthers win Super Bowl XXXVIII, defeating the New England Patriots by a score of 36-29. The two teams combine for a record-setting 44 points in the 4th quarter and there are no incidents during the halftime show involving Janet Jackson.
On the other side of the world …
Adam Vinatieri kicks a 41-yard field goal with four seconds remaining to give the New England Patriots a 32-29 victory over the Carolina Panthers, the team’s second Super Bowl title in three years. Janet Jackson shows her nipple.
The National Football League continues to give the false impression to countries all over the world that the incorrect team has won the Super Bowl, this under the guise of clothing the planet with mislabeled merchandise rather than destroy it. As part of it’s propaganda campaign to miseducate those in countries most desperate for the truth, the NFL annually donates all pre-printed championship merchandise of the team that does not win the Super Bowl and Conference Championships to aid organization World Vision.
All this time, I thought they just printed the winning team’s shirts and hats really, really quickly.
This year, countries like Zambia, Nicaragua and Romania will be brainwashed into thinking Green Bay QB Aaron Rodgers is a stiff, in ways different from how his predecessor Brett Favre would have Jenn Sterger believe. Armenians already disillusioned by cologne choices will be baited into accepting that Ben Roethlisberger overcame a rollercoaster four-game suspension to start the season for violating the NFL’s personal conduct policy, and led the Pittsburgh Steelers to the title — all because the hat told them so.
In countries like El Salvador, Scott Norwood is a rockstar. In parts of Indonesia, the Buffalo Bills are revered for winning four straight. On the contrary, in Ghana, it’s widely regarded that four-time champion Minnesota is hated for its perennial Super Bowl success, mainly due to all the Vikings sweatshirts and heavy-wool apparel. Winless in five trips to the big game, the San Francisco 49ers are generally considered a laughing stock to many impoverished people in Africa and Latin America. To them, Joe Montana has never been to Disneyworld.
Misinformed families in Sierra Leone are still confused as to how the New York Jets can win this year’s AFC title game by defeating Pittsburgh, yet the Steelers go on to win the Super Bowl. Good going, NFL.
Here’s a better idea: Sell the merchandise on Ebay.
The folks forking out huge sums for these exclusive, rare collectables most likely watched the game so they can’t be fooled. Instead of clothing the world with ignorance and only thinking this one step through, turn that same generous offering into profits then buy even better clothing and donate that plus the extra windfall to these same countries — and be honest with the people of Haiti about the Buffalo Bills.
Something needs to be done soon. The moment a Nigerian kid is tented in a “American Size XXL” and the lower hem touches the ground, the Ebay value drops considerably and the child starts to grow up thinking Drew Brees can’t get it done on the big stage.
It’s long been understood that wearing Super Bowl merchandise only confirms you couldn’t afford to go to the game. Now, for less money, well-paying fans can have a unique conversation piece to show the world they never went to a game that didn’t actually exist.
Whether wearing it or displaying it on a wall, how would those “Super Bowl XLII Champion — 19-0 Undefeated Patriots” hats and shirts sell in Boston and beyond? Here in the United States, Eli Manning threw the pass, David Tyree somehow caught it and the Giants won that game.
The people in Uganda deserve to know the truth.
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They’re finding out now that no cheerleaders are coming! They’re just waking up, I know just what they’ll do. Their mouths will hang open a minute or two, then the Whos down in Whoville will all cry, “Boo Hoo.”
First time in the game’s 45-year history, the Super Bowl will be cheerleaderless. Woven into the fabric of America, making this the finest sport from the single greatest nation on the planet, cheerleaders and the game of football go together like rama lama lama ka dinga da dinga dong — that’s the way it should be.
Six NFL teams are sadly burdened by cheerleaderlessness, Green Bay and Pittsburgh tragically among them — add the Chicago Bears, Cleveland Browns, New York Giants and Detroit Lions. When the Jets fell to the Steelers in the AFC Championship, all hope of a sideline patrol befitting the pageantry of our nation’s crowning moment was lost. To that, this Who cries, “Boo Hoo.”
One game, not the end of the world. Still it’s America’s showcase, the gold standard of cheerleadericiousness, utterly lacking. Can we survive? Should we even try?
Every Who down in Whoville liked cheerleaders a lot, but the Grinch, who lived just north of Whoville – did not.
In a column last week, Bill Plaschke of the Los Angeles Times took a decidedly good riddance approach, saying “there is nothing more useless in an NFL game than a cheerleader. You can’t hear them. You can barely see them.”
So what’s the problem?
Saying they won’t be missed, he kicks it up a notch, citing injuries and questioning the relevancy of cheerleading in general. “It’s incredibly dangerous, not very inclusive.”
Plaschke asks, why have them? I say, why not? If they hold no value, what’s the possible harm in keeping them? They bring nothing to the party but spruce the place up and probably smell nice, why not invite them? If they’re like the Carolina “Topcats” from a few years ago, they’re probably interesting to have around.
But I think that the most likely reason of all may have been that his heart was two sizes too small.
He adds: “As sports audiences at all levels have grown in sophistication, do we really need somebody telling us how and when to cheer? And do we really want to do so in chants and rhymes?”
I don’t think the girls are actually relied upon in this capacity. There may be poetry, meter and cadence flowing wildly in the press box but I’ve never faced it in the stands. “You suck!!” is a chant I’ve been involved with but they didn’t start it, we did and for good reason. If we’re really that sophisticated, we should be that much less bothered by cheerleaders.
“There won’t be any of them at the Super Bowl,” Plaschke said, “where 100,000 forlorn fans will have nobody to tell them when to chant, “Dee-fense, dee-fense.”
What did cheerleaders ever do to him? Or what didn’t they do? First they’re irrelevant and serve no purpose, now 100,000 fans are depending on their prompts in order to unify behind a common purpose these ladies initiated and specifically encouraged? Sounds like high-level importance to me. Then again, they are cheerleaders. To suggest their responsibility rises to that overdramatic a level of on-field significance is to oversimplify the reason they’re there.
It’s the same reason that Katy Perry is a very good singer.
It’s honorable that a sportswriter not wish to see females objectified and this most likely outweighs the reverse: a non-politically correct, sexist approach that simply wants equality for all 32 teams.
It’s why Hooters is a fine restaurant with a delicious assortment of menu choices as opposed to some shack-looking joint that serves up consistently deep-fried adequateness.
Better to fill dead air with what exactly? This is P.T. Barnum keeping the audience entertained and filling downtime throughout the telecast. Glitz, glamour and fun with a female face on a man’s game. About as essential to the event as the Gatorade shower on the winning coach; Christina Aguilera singing The Star-Spangled Banner; the F16 flyover; pre-game fireworks; the view from the blimp above a dome stadium. It’s the show.
It’s the same reason we put up with a substantial number of celebrities who otherwise might not interest us in the slightest.
These six cheerleaderist NFL teams will never publicly admit their hatred of choreographed women is so blatant that they forbid them from setting foot upon their sidelines when all they want to do is show support for the home team and maintain fan spirit. Plaschke say’s these franchises are old-school, I say their cities are cold. There’s nothing sadder than a bundled-up cheerleader. In 1988, Green Bay fans decided they didn’t care either way but take the cheerleaders out of snowmobile suits and there’s a better chance they might.
It’s why the Lingerie Football League exists.
Nobody who paid $3,000 a ticket to attend a Super Bowl is focused on the cheerleaders, saying “oh look, there’s a football game too.”
It’s not only what Fergie will be wearing at the halftime show but what the Black Eyed Peas are doing there in the first place.
Tell me about it. There are at least two BEP members who don’t even know they’re in a band. But this is the big-time and they made it. Plaschke says cheerleaders should compete at lower levels but not the NFL — praise for the steps one takes in the process of building a career but the height of success in the profession should be stripped away. Makes sense. As for injuries, far fewer on the pro level (less acrobatics and lifting), plus better team doctors. More danger = good. Got it.
What do you say when you see a small Who. Little Cindy Lou Who, who was no more than two.
If she wants to be a cheerleader when she grows up, tell her she can dream only so big unless she lives in one of 26 NFL cities — and Los Angeles still won’t be one of them.
Sex appeal is a consideration in every field, every corner of life. Attractive people get better jobs, earn more and are treated better. Attractive people are fun to look at. Former cheerleader Jamie Beckman points out the obvious, “during NFL games, when the cameraman shoots a blonde cheerleader right before the station goes to commercial, it ain’t because he’s trying to capture her athleticism.”
No, but certainly her energy, enthusiasm and general cheerleaderocity. After an advertisement for erectile dysfunction pills; a 30-second spot using more good-looking men and/or women to sell another product; then a PSA about the NFL’s involvement in the fight against pediatric cancer, a friendly visual reminds us it’s just a game. There isn’t anything wrong with a friendly visual.
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Ever since my cat caught the chipmunk, she won’t stop meowing in the 3rd person.
— Dirk Dachs (@SoapyJohnson) January 21, 2011
More from “THE TWITTER COLLECTION …”
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Dylan McDermott patiently stirs his decaf latte macchiato in the hopes of introducing warmth to a mid-day Manhattan chill. He’s filled with a sense of harmony where as recently as a few months ago, the actor admits, this current level of confidence had all but escaped him.
A phone call nearly 10 years ago — it’s taken the entire decade to reconcile emotions that have at times threatened to overwhelm his grasp.
Across town, Dermot Mulroney is about to be recognized by a cab driver. That all-too familiar vague glint in a person’s eyes and he knows exactly what’s about to happen. Usually, he says he’s only about 60% confident his IMDB page will be cited and not McDermott’s.
And so it is, the life of this pair. The confusion that’s dogged their respective careers will hopefully be put to rest now that both actors have agreed to become the same person, for the sake of each other’s sanity as well as the convenience to film and television audiences worldwide. The unprecedented move was quickly approved by SAG, AFTRA and the office of the California Secretary of State made it official Monday.
“It used to bother me, I admit it,” McDermott recalls. “You work hard to establish yourself as an actor, an individual. You blaze your own trail and then constantly get mistaken for someone else again and again and again. It’s discouraging. I don’t want to take credit for someone else’s work just as I’m sure Dylan — I mean Dermot, aw dammit!! I’m sure he doesn’t, well, it goes both ways. You know what I mean.”
By nature of the agreement, the two will maintain their present names. There will be no merging or clever combining — such as Dermot McDermott, Dylan McMulroney or Dermot McDylan MulDermott. Both Mulroney and McDermott will continue to answer for themselves but now will also do so for one another, with the other’s full and unconditional consent. The two plan to sign autographs accordingly and be interchangeable on the set, replacing the other in mid-scene, if applicable, with no public understanding of what happened. It is not known if the agreement is only professionally binding or if it also relates to engagements at home.
“It just started to make sense to do this,” Mulroney said. “For years, my mom would warn me to stay away from Lara Flynn Boyle and I thought that was just good common-sense, motherly advice. I’d do the same for my kids,” he said. “I didn’t connect that she was talking about her character on the show until she mentioned she’d been watching The Practice for two seasons thinking that her son was the star of the series. It hit me like a rock.”
Publicists have warned against an arrangement such as this for fear that an announcement may gather little notice seeing as so few can actually differentiate one actor from the other as it stands. Additional notoriety might only increase the confusion. A recent Opinion Dynamics poll showed 48% of film audiences and 62% of television audiences did not understand McDermott and Mulroney were two distinct people. Another 36% thought dermatology was the study of this topic.
Both dark-haired actors in their late 40’s, the two would seem almost nothing alike beneath the surface. Dylan McDermott — raised by his bar-owner father in Greenwich Village and inspired by his adoptive mother Eve Ensler (author of The Vagina Monologues) — learned to assume the demeanor of his favorite movie stars as a teenager and thus was drawn to acting. While feature film leading man status has largely eluded him, success on television has included an Emmy nomination and a Golden Globe award.
The son of a law professor, Dermot Mulroney was born in Virginia and is one of four children with a predominant Irish ancestry just a few generations removed from the Great Potato Famine. An accomplished cellist, acting came naturally for Mulroney, starting with made-for-TV movies and making his film debut in 1988’s Young Guns. While feature film leading man status has largely eluded him, he’s found the majority of his success in romantic comedies.
So why the merger? The men defended the maneuver at what would have been termed a joint press conference if the two were still deemed to be separate individuals.
“I’ve been told how good I was in movies I’ve never heard of,” Mulroney said. “Things like The Last Outlaw or Silent Tongue. Turns out those are both mine. It’s confusing.”
“Completely agree, it’s time to come to grips with it,” McDermott said. “I wouldn’t trade careers but often it’s like we have. I’d definitely trade something for the chance to have worked with Richard Harris and River Phoenix.”
“Like you did on Silent Tongue,” Mulroney added. “I loved you in that part.”
McDermott for the first time opened up about a phone call from his agent in 2001 where he was pitched several ideas, including one feature script that would put him back on the career path he had following the success of Copycat and How to Make an American Quilt. “Those aren’t my films, I told him. He didn’t know my work — my own agent, he doesn’t know which of us is which?”
“I think I was in both of those,” Mulroney joked. “Now there’s less to worry about. They ask if I am or if I was and the answer is yes. It’s a nice combination and so much easier than having to explain.”
Reminded of a story from early in his career, McDermott recalled: “It must have been 20+ years ago, we were both starting to land some better roles — this is back when you were dating Julia Roberts –.”
“I only worked with her,” Mulroney interrupts. “You dated her.”
“I dated her, that’s right. I know that,” McDermott says. “Well, we both worked with her. Steel Magnolias.”
“I nailed that part,” Mulroney says.
“I was in Steel Magnolias,” McDermott clarifies.
“I’m kidding,” says Mulroney. “But you dated her. And which one are you again?”
“Dylan,” he says, “but that’s all in the past. Whatever it was, everyone will know it was definitely either of us.”
Alone at the coffee shop, McDermott is upbeat about what lies ahead. “We’ve never worked together so when we first discussed doing this, it became a way to make that happen. It’s not like I see my reflection when I look at him and I don’t get what the problem is with the names but I’m tired of fighting it.”
Back in the taxi, Mulroney nods to the driver, assuring him that he might indeed be who he thinks he is. “You’re the guy from My Best Friend’s Wedding,” the cabbie says. “You were great in that.” The correct mention reassures him, even if momentarily. “The gay guy, her friend.”
“No, that was Rupert Everett,” Mulroney mutters. “That’s a new one.”
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