Women in the men’s room

This needs to stop.

We know you need to go. WE need to go. Why else are we standing in this line? The lure of public restroom odor? We don’t envy you and the majority of us are glad to accommodate. How many times are you ever turned away?

You don’t want to be here either — we get it — but we have to. We can’t stand in your line. There isn’t a chance that can happen, no matter how badly our bladders are about to explode or how cute you think we are. A man stands in a long line of ladies and security is called before he successfully reaches one of your toilets.

We’re faster at this — nature gave us urinals and the ability to use them. We’re happy to pee in a bucket and get back to our seats but that doesn’t change the point that privacy is privacy and you wouldn’t want the situation reversed.

Your line is longer, understood. We don’t know what takes you so long in there. We don’t check our hair or even look at ourselves in the mirror. We assume we have mirrors in here but honestly don’t hold us to that. We don’t spend a lot of time here, we’re in and we’re out. We mainly want to exit the room without anything wet getting on us.

We don’t mind you crashing our party because we love women and appreciate your current needs but this is hardly the cozy sanctuary we’d like you to expose you to now and be judged by later. This is worse than a messy apartment. I’ve been to concerts where the floors were so repulsive, I felt like Jesus but let’s just say I wasn’t walking on water. It’s a very few bad apples who can’t control their urine stream but this is still us as a gender at our worst and you have a women’s room labeled specifically so you don’t have to see this. We don’t want to see this.

Management could install more facilities for you and why didn’t they? But is it really their fault?

Don’t tell me you don’t dawdle. We’ve seen how fast you’re capable of urinating in a men’s room — you reach the stall and you’re running out the door in less than a minute. You can’t get out of there fast enough.

If you’d take that philosophy and put it into action in the ladies’ room, I don’t think we’d be having this conversation.

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BREAKING NEWS!! Senator Larkin Speaks, Exclusive Twitter Interview

Accused of avoiding the electorate and ducking his opponent, embattled two-term Maine Senator Daniel Larkin this morning agreed to his first interview in more than three months, the stipulation being that he would only correspond through Twitter direct messaging. Already trailing GOP favorite Gene Tatum by 5 points, polls show Larkin now losing support with his base and supporters have expressed concern with less than three weeks until the mid-term elections.

Sen. Daniel Larkin

Larkin has circumvented the spotlight since a July town hall event, when C-SPAN cameras caught the incumbent Democrat from Cape Elizabeth urinating on a member of his staff, then ordering that staff member to wipe himself dry on a constituent who had been asking a question about immigration. The Tea Party-endorsed Tatum charges that Larkin is sidestepping voters by failing to agree to any debates, disabling his email accounts and forwarding all campaign and Senate office phones to a South Portland Olive Garden restaurant, an accusation Larkin staff members say they would flatly deny if only they were available to do so.

Sen. Daniel Larkin

The Senator was last seen on Sept. 17, exiting the apartment where the body of Linda Mulholland was discovered just a few moments later. Larkin only agreed to this interview in exchange that Place it on Lucky Dan not release a 14-minute voice recording of the Senator repeating the N-word in a non-stop staccato fashion using various dialects and inflections.

Larkin promised to answer 5 questions total and each would be confined to the 140-character limit. Follow-up questions could be asked, he said, but would not be answered.

The following is the full transcript:

@Larkin2010   Sen. Larkin, your opponent accuses you of many things, including killing a woman. You’re only down by 5 points. How is this even possible?

@PIOLD   The voters know me. Who really knows Gene Tatum? He’s a Bush rubberstamp. Plus we have some internals that show us up by 19.

@Larkin2010   You voted for Obamacare, TARP, stimulus and introduced a bill designed to divide Maine into 3 separate countries. How would you vote today?

@PIOLD   It’s not how I’d vote today or how I voted yesterday. It was cloudy yesterday, my dish reception was awful. Do you think cable’s better?

@Larkin2010   The voters deserve to know where you stand. Why won’t you debate Tatum? What was your relationship to Miss Mulholland? Why this interview?

@PIOLD   U ask a lot of questions, so far they’ve all been good. Mullholland–didn’t expect you to go there. U got balls. Why not this interview?

@Larkin2010   Answer the question! Any of them. Pick one! Do you have any public appearances scheduled between now and election day?

@PIOLD   I’m just reading your Katy Perry article. #funny You’re lucky you found that recording because I’m not sure why else I’d agree to this

@Larkin2010   You have nothing to say? You’re ready to face the voters and not answer these charges? Do you realize the DNC has endorsed Tatum?

@PIOLD   I’ve got stuff on them too. You worry too much. Look, I feel bad. Lets start over. Ask me 5 questions & I promise I’ll answer them honestly

@Larkin2010   I appreciate that … Why won’t you agree to a debate? Tatum says your rules, your venue, your crowd, your moderator. One debate, just one.

@Larkin2010   Senator? Please answer the question. Will you debate Tatum?

@Larkin2010   Are you still there? Were you intimate with Miss Mulholland and was your wife aware of the relationship?

@Larkin2010   We’ve decided to release the tape anyway. We already mentioned it, the readers know so what’s the difference? Good luck with the campaign.

@PIOLD   This is Pete. I’m assistant manager at Olive Garden. Not sure why you’re tweeting us but we’re going to block you.

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Brett Favre’s one ringy dingy

Since it’s “Quarterback Week” at Place it on Lucky Dan, Brett Favre has refused to be ignored, much like this story. It’s been so easy to disregard the annual pre-season retirement drama that when news broke last week of his quest for Jenn Sterger, it slipped comfortably into one ear, the surprise being how stubbornly it refused to slip out the other.

I think I speak for everyone, we should be a bit more timid when checking our cell phone messages than we were just a few days ago.

For background, Jenn Sterger is hot. She was discovered when a TV cameraman fixed focus on her during a Florida State football game and for several days refused to pan away. Just the sight of her in a crowd launched a career as a model, actress, reporter, TV host and personality — this is all you need to know about the level of attractiveness involved in this story. People needed only a glimpse of her and she was well on her way — most notably as a sideline reporter for the New York Jets.

A 41-year old married father of two, on the road alone and fully engorged with the horn for a fetchingly attractive young lady, this is hardly the demographic of a person who — wait a second, forget everything I was about to say. This is exactly the situation that leads us here.

Let’s add that the man is influential within the organization they share as an employer, as well as the National Football League plus the ability to conceivably call in a favor in every state in the nation except Wisconsin. For one to believe the base elements of this story, this man also has faith he can apparently have what he wants just by leaving a phone message. Whether this method usually works or not is for allegations you will not find on this website. I’m already dizzy walking a tightrope of slander and fully understand that if Favre’s attorneys are anything like him, they too have phones and aren’t afraid to use them.

This all ALLEGEDLY happened during the 2008-2009 season [original source Deadspin.com article here and is NSFW. Cannot stress this enough — unless your work involves seeing pictures of male genitalia, in which case you may find this link tame. I don’t judge.] so the timing of the story leaking in the days leading up to Favre’s Vikings playing the Jets tonight in New York on Monday Night Football seems far too cute to be organic. Sure, these things sometimes happen by coincidental timing but sometimes these things don’t actually happen by coincidental timing. Somewhere, somehow, this story breaks now — three weeks before election day. It should be no surprise that Jets opposition research unveils its October surprise in, of all months, October.

Not that I’m suggesting the Jets had anything to do with this, I should stress that. I’m only typing letters that somehow form words and these words are only allegedly forming sentences. Seriously, I don’t think the Jets are in any way involved, even though they do seem to have a habit of finding themselves in situations featuring repulsively unappealing women parading their sidelines and causing problems throughout the league.

From the gist of Favre’s alleged correspondence with Sterger, he never spoke with her face to face. He called her and expected that would be enough. Maybe it’s worked in the past for similar NFL players with similar sideline reporters — I’m in no way implying that Favre actually made these calls or sent these pictures. While it’s possible (due to the phone number, the sound of the voice on the recording or the Green Bay Packers Super Bowl ring* on the hand tightly gripping the texted Johnson), it’s by no means even remotely suggested that Favre sports the Johnson in question.

Whomever sent these texts had to assume that when a phone message didn’t do the trick, Step Two in “The Compleat Gentleman: The Modern Man’s Guide to Chivalry” was to immediately employ the “take a gander at my wang” approach. This, states the guide, usually results in at least a call back. Yes, the “second phone call” or the woefully unsuccessful “actual conversation” were overlooked, as the story leads us to assume. Possibly a text without photos? A quick “how R U? want 2 get 2gether 2nite?” may have led to better results. Allegedly.

It’s also not to be assumed that the person who left the phone message (possibly Favre, possibly not) was implying that his interest in Miss Sterger was by any means sexual in nature. I mention this because the three pictures of penis which followed were clearly designed to eliminate any possible miscommunication that may have resulted from the initial correspondence.

If you’ve seen the pics, his hand should be the giveaway. All you cub reporters and reporterettes who want to take this investigation to 11, should interview every center he’s taken a snap from over the course of a 20-year NFL career. If anyone would recognize the shape and subtleties of that left hand, it’s a man who for so many years in games and in practice has seen it between his own legs, resting just above his own greater testicular region. Frank Winters, Nick Mangold, John Sullivan — I’m talking to you.

Ratings for ESPN** should be near its highest in history tonight, which makes one wonder where the cable network fits in on the timing of this leak. I’m certain Jets fans will have some interesting signs prepared for tonight’s game and I’m thinking: “Hey Favre!! You’re #1 (but the “1” is shaped like a, well, you know what).

*A blatant lie generated for effect, say attorneys for Place it on Lucky Dan. No Super Bowl ring of any kind was featured on the hand in question or in any of the photos, nor do the Green Bay Packers or employees of the NFL have any involvement in relation to this claim (however they are more than welcome to share this story on their individual Facebook pages). No actual attorneys were consulted in regard to the crafting and wording of this disclaimer.

**It is not implied that ESPN had any involvement in this leak or that an actual leak ever took place. Ratings are never a consideration in decision-making. This particular sentence was created by a pair of monkeys forming words by rolling Boggle dice. Each monkey was paid union scale and their safety was overseen by animal rights groups, although one of the monkeys appears to be missing.

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Students score not good

The average American high school student of voting age has trouble spelling the name of the street they live on and can spell only 75 pecent of the states in the nation correctly, a Place it on Lucky Dan servey reveals.

The study, conducted earlier this year, also disclothed that 63 pecent of Americans feel spelling and grammer are unimportant and that 42 pecent have learned to except there errors.

Of the 2,021 students polled, 29 pecent could not spell such U.S. states as Massachusets, Conneticut, Uta, Tallahasse and Missisippi as well as Milwalkee, the capital of Minisoda. Only 68 pecent correctly spelled there street address correctly and only too pecent could resight half the states in the U.S. from memmorey. None of the 2,021 could correctly identify all 52 state capitols and just 14 pecent of those could safely guess how many plants are in the solar system.

At a class-room in Detroit, Mich., when asked to point to the city of Hartford, Conn., on the map, one student pointed to the Equator. Another wood only say he thought it “was somewhere outside Dearborn” while a third student refused, saying such a test of knowledge wood “insult his inteligence.”

Students also had low scores in currant events, with most unable to identfy pubic figures such as Joe Biden and Nancy Pelosi. When told that an Iranian woman was to be stoned, 79% of high school seniors said they thought this was a good thing and 45% said they wished they were too.

All students serveyed said they followed Ashton Kutcher on Twitter.

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Michael Vick: Point/Counterpoint

Philadelphia Eagles QB Michael Vick will most likely miss 2-4 weeks with a crack in his rib cartilage, although the team has yet to issue an official report.

The injury, suffered late in the first quarter of Sunday’s loss to division-rival Washington, comes at an inopportune time for the Eagles. Vick had taken over the quarterback job from Kevin Kolb (concussion in Week 1), was 2-0 as a starter with a 6-0 touchdowns-to-interceptions ratio and the NFL’s second-rated passer going into last weekend. It was generally felt that Vick was the missing element the Eagles needed to reach the playoffs.

Many people — dog lovers or not — are still repulsed by Vick and the actions which led him to prison and they don’t believe justice was adequately served.

Pro-Vick camp: He did his time and learned his lesson plus he’s more than thankful to be getting a second-chance. He’s been speaking to inner-city kids about the need not only for second-chances and learning from them but not making the mistake in the first place. He admits he surrounded himself with the wrong crowd and was selfish. “I didn’t dedicate myself. I didn’t listen,” he said. Now he’s inspired with a new work ethic and he’s sincerely grateful for the opportunities he’s been given. He’s taken a leadership role on the team that nobody in the organization expected of him and he should be commended for grasping tightly on life and keeping his under control this time around. This is a man who’s been offered a shot at redemption and done so much more with it than anyone would have imagined.

Anti-Vick camp: The kids he speaks to realize that if that idiot can do what he did and still get a second-chance, there’s nothing in this world that can’t be forgiven if you have talent and there’s a lot of money involved. It’s outrageous that Michael Vick is even back in the NFL — he should have been never been reinstated so quickly. There was talk that he’d be suspended for life, he’d most definitely serve his entire federal prison sentence plus face state charges and serve each sentence consecutively. He served two of his 23 months at home, the Virginia charges were dropped and he was back in the NFL after a few public apologies and well-placed pecks on the buttocks of the NFL Commissioner. Plaxico Burress is serving 24 months for shooting himself in the leg, Vick got off way too easy. He’s hardly hanging with a different crowd. Healing a rib cage injury for 2-4 weeks under the luxury of the finest premium health care the world has to offer is nothing compared to the pain and suffering he caused countless dogs and every single person he associated himself with.

Conclusion: In order to set an example, the Philadelphia Eagles should make the hard choice and put Vick down. He’s lost his fighting edge and once that spirit is broken, will never play the same way again. His instincts will be to flinch in anticipation of pain and that split-second might cost the betting public some serious coin. The safety of the participants is not the concern, it’s about wagering that will never support Vick to the same degree — he’s lost his value — especially not in a crucial match now that he’s tasted pain and learned to accept losing as an option. Whether as a message to curb dog fighting or to prevent cracked rib cartilage injuries in the future, the Eagles really only have one choice.

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Stuck Working Underground: TBS outbids Fox, will broadcast “Chilean Miner Idol”

Turner Broadcasting System, Inc., has trumped Fox in a heated bidding war over the U.S. broadcast rights to “Chilean Miner Idol,” a singing competition featuring the 33 miners trapped underground roughly 28 miles north of Copiapó, Chile. The competition, set to begin broadcasting on Chile’s Chilevisión later this week, is scheduled to debut on TBS in mid-October.

Chilean Miner Idol will feature songs designed to inspire the miners, trapped nearly half a mile beneath the Earth’s surface since the roof of the San José mine collapsed on Aug. 5. One of the miners is Bolivian and it’s not believed that he’ll compete, leaving 32 contestants with a shot at the grand prize — that coveted first ticket out, also a recording contract with Arista Records.

Chilean government officials have suggested that the reality television program will provide a badly needed boost to an economy already devastated this year by a massive earthquake, however the move to broadcast on Chilevisión has Fox executives crying favoritism.

“It’s our concept, a violation of our Idol trademark,” said Kevin Montgomery of Fox Broadcasting Company. “This thing stinks of politics, kickbacks and favors — that’s fine what goes on in Chile but we’ll make sure this is never broadcast to an American audience.” It’s believed Fox and TBS have already settled although terms have not been disclosed.

State-owned TVN was originally expected to secure broadcasting rights but third-place Chilevisión won the bidding war backed by parent company TBS, a Time Warner company. Until recently, Chilevisión was owned by newly-elected Chilean President Sebastián Piñera, who promised to sell his 100% stake if elected. TBS reached an agreement with Chilevisión on Aug. 25, three weeks after the mining disaster.

“This was a legitimate process and our only concern is the with the safety of the miners,” said Jeff Brown of TBS. “Coming off the heels of luring Conan O’Brien, I can see where Fox might be bitter. Clearly they’re putting a profit motive above the top concern, which is maintaining the spirits of those trapped underground, and possibly finding the next big recording star.”

San José mine owner Compañia Minera San Esteban Primera has faced repeated safety violations and lawsuits, citing negligence. The copper-gold mine has had a history of safety problems and was closed in 2007 following an accident. When the mine reopened the following year, it was not equipped with proper evacuation measures and stricter regulations were ignored. On Aug. 5, the 33 miners were unable to escape to a ventilation shaft because a ladder had not been installed. It’s feared the company will file for bankruptcy shortly after the miners are rescued and this is what led Chilean government officials to green-light the TV project.

A 12-inch bore hole reached the miners on Sept. 18 — 44 days into the disaster — immediately followed by a 28-inch drill, which will produce a passage large enough for the miners to be lifted through. That drill is currently about 525 feet from completing its 2,300-foot journey. Originally expected to take four months, rescue efforts have advanced at such a pace that a target range between Oct. 15 and Oct. 30 is likely and President Piñera is hopeful it happens prior to a scheduled Oct. 17 trip to Europe. Taping is expected to conclude by Oct. 15 but with broadcast likely to be extended through November it’s unknown how the networks intend to maintain surprise while news coverage tips the winner.

The borehole has allowed rescuers to send narrow plastic tubes filled with food, hydration gels and communications equipment to the miners, who to no avail have been requesting wine. Originally, iPods and Playstation Portable devices were sent to help miners pass the time however Alberto Iturra Benavides, lead psychiatrist for the relief effort, banned this to prevent the miners from shutting themselves off from the rest of the group. Beans, the natural staple of the Chilean diet, are also banned for much of the same reason.

It’s been a difficult year for Chile, the world’s largest producer of copper. The country suffered an 8.8 magnitude earthquake on Feb. 27, which lasted up to 90 seconds and killed close to 500 people. The quake was so massive, it generated a tsunami 6,700 miles away in Hawaii, moved the Earth off its axis approximately 3 inches, sped up the rotation of the planet by 1.26 megaseconds and moved the city of Concepción 10 feet to the west.  The insurance industry estimates the damage at between $4 and $7 billion dollars.

“The country’s been devastated financially and now this,” Brown said. “Everyone here at TBS has been trying to find a way to help and do their part. A singing contest was the next logical progression in that plan.”

Host of the show is actor Cristián de la Fuente, who has appeared on U.S. television in “CSI: Miami,” “Ugly Betty” and, with partner Cheryl Burke, finished third in Season 6 of ABC’s “Dancing with the Stars.”

In probably one of the worst-kept industry secrets in years, judges will consist of Tom Araya — Chilean-born bassist and vocalist of the heavy metal band Slayer — supermodel Gabriela Barros and American Idol Season 5 third-place finisher Elliott Yamin, presumably still trapped in the country and awaiting diabetic supplies. Barros was hired after the diva demands of Cecilia Bolocco got out of control, including a stipulation TBS cover her Church of Scientology dues. Network execs say if Barros sits in the middle chair and says nothing, ratings will still be historic.

Neither TBS or Chilevisión have confirmed but it’s expected the program will mirror American Idol with the exception of allowing instruments only if they fit through a 12-inch hole. “More flutes and harmonicas than guitars and pianos,” says one network rep. Miners will be supplied battery-operated Bose speakers and iPods loaded with a carefully selected list of song choices. Sources say contestants won’t so much be judged on vocals due to the obvious limitations in sound quality and instead will be judged on overall performance.

Idol’s first U.S. broadcast will be Sunday Oct. 17, a 2-hour special, followed with a 30-minute results show prior Game 3 of the American League Championship Series on Monday, Oct. 18.

A leaked list of song choices for the pilot episode included:

Special Skype mentor Jack Johnson will lead the miners through Group Night, as the contestants sing his 2005 hit, “Better Together.”

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Two decades worth of Wite-Out

More from “THE TWITTER COLLECTION …”

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A freshman embarks on college

It’s parent’s weekend and I hope you’re settling in nicely.

I remember the thing that immediately struck me about college was that it smelled different than what I was used to — not like high school, home or anything familiar. When I entered my dorm for the first time, same thing. I didn’t know if it was fresh paint or just what learnin’ smelled like but eventually I got used to it, as I assume and hope you’re doing. Take a deep breath and don’t fight it because you’ll be smelling it for four years and hopefully not five.

As has been punctuated this week, being a freshman in college can be an impossible task and what’s first thought to be a simple prank can alter the lives of everyone involved. Technology only adds more opportunity to make costly errors in judgment so keep a close eye on all that you do because every word, tweet, post or text could jeopardize your future or that of those around you. When your confirmation hearings on Capital Hill turn ugly and you’re suddenly not the next Supreme Court justice, don’t be surprised if your political opposition has entered into evidence an irresponsible Twitter post — or a photo of you passed out with embarrassing comments written on your face in Sharpie that’s ended up on the Facebook page of a friend of a friend of a friend. BE CAREFUL. When in doubt, don’t do it and try not to find yourself in that position.

My college days were of a simpler time — no internet, cell phones or cable TV. I learned that most of this smell I referred to earlier was indeed fresh paint, along with an aroma of cleaning solutions associated with the dispersal of the previous semester’s keg party vomit. The summer before sophomore year, I took a work study job painting dorms and I’m telling you that puke not only stains, it isn’t easily painted over. Let this be your first lesson.

Second lesson: If you’re going to drink, sip quality and less of it. Try less to be the boozer everyone talks about at reunions every five years — last thing you want are stories you’re not aware of but they’re about you and what you did — and more the person others wish they could be. And keep an eye on your beverage.

Your roommate. Probably just as important as everything else. The higher powers or lottery balls which brought you together may have matched you with a dud or someone you’ll be tight friends with forever. Interacting with others is key to living a full and rich life and, good or bad, a roommate is someone you’ll never forget. Much of college is designed to offer you a set of situations so you’ll learn to make decisions, work with others and base your choices on a higher level of discretion. The least of this is what you’ll learn in the classroom.

How you interact now, finally on your own, is a reflection of your parents. You mess up — and it’s gonna happen — don’t sweat it. This is also a part of life. Einstein** said “the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” Did this stop him from getting the shits after Thursday’s half-price appletini and free taco happy hour? No, that would happen to anybody. But next Thursday, where’s Albert? Learn from mistakes and be a stronger person for doing so, it’s what your parents would hope you’d do. You are what they made you to be so do them proud because they’re proud of you.

My first roommate stunk, literally, so much so that the room smelled and by the third month I could no longer sleep there. I’d hold my breath to get my things and bolted out, it was that bad. If something isn’t working for you, don’t be afraid to change it. If it’s a roommate problem, address it.

Just never get a single room. We were always in doubles and dreamed of one day having a single. It wasn’t until after I graduated that I realized everyone I knew who had a single was a complete and total psychopath — clinical and you knew it then. THIS WAS WHY THEY WERE IN SINGLES. This was for our protection. Jeffrey Dahmer, Ted Bundy and John Wayne Gacy had singles. There isn’t a major news story about a guy living alone in a cabin and dreaming of blowing up the Santa Monica Pier where I don’t first wonder if he looks like someone I may have gone to school with.

Studying late one night, I asked one of these freaks if he had something to keep me awake. I fully assumed any of them would have an illicit substance that would do the trick and carefully selected the most Unabomber of the bunch. Without flinching, this particularly suspect colleague said he had just the thing, went back to his single and returned with something in his hand. He proceeded to dangle a tea bag between his outstretched thumb and forefinger.

I asked what to do with it. “Do I smoke it, snort it, cook it up on a spoon and load a syringe?” I had no idea what this batshit crazy ass was suggesting. He told me to boil some water and steep the bag, then drink the tea. This guy was so out there, he was able to play the sane card on me.

Don’t immediately judge people. And buy your own tea bags. They’re cheap and you never know where someone else’s have been.

If it hasn’t been done already, releasing a sex tape should be taken off your consideration list, no matter how hot the other person is. It will not make you an instant celebrity and most people will think you have a venereal disease. I know there’s no factual association between the two but name me one celebrity who’s made a sex tape who you think might not have one. I thought so.

Don’t let anyone take naked pictures of you and if you snap a few of someone you’re with, don’t text them to friends or use them to trash your ex when you break up. Have some class and dream bigger. Never underestimate the tremendous value of nude cell phone photos or Flip video. Tuck those away for leverage you’ll benefit from later. Now reverse all that and realize the power of what you’re handing someone.

Even though we weren’t in college with today’s technology, it’s easy to visualize the progression of what got us here. One blurry weekend, a friend hit it off with a girl he just met and before you knew it, they were having sex. Because the curtain was up and IT WAS MY ROOM, we all watched from outside the window. We felt entitled. I did mention that it was MY room, right? Also that we didn’t have internet, cell phones or cable TV? I talked to him a few months ago and this episode came up. He suggested that in this day and age something like that would be broadcast all over the internet somehow. Is there any doubt? If not us (his friends!!), anyone else walking by??

So welcome to college. Keep your pants on, don’t be an idiot or make the same mistakes twice. Embrace these days. Fill your head with knowledge and enjoy the friendships you’re about to make and all the new smells. Call anytime if you need anything. If you need money, I don’t know you.

**Quote is also attributed to Ben Franklin but first appeared in print in the 1983 book “Sudden Death” by Rita Mae Brown.” Between the three, Franklin most likely would have been best prepared to battle incontinence brought on by appletinis and free tacos.

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