Sunny day, sweepin’ 8008s away

Katy Perry’s playdate with Elmo has been relegated to the internet, after parents complained her outfit was too sexy for pre-schoolers. The video (seen below) will not be broadcast on PBS this fall and has been pulled from the Sesame Street website.

She’s worn far more revealing outfits, for certain, but Sesame Street’s an all new playhouse. She is what she is, you know what to expect when you book Katy Perry.

The outfit was reserved by her standards and closer to appropriate than, say, this. I’m not the parent of a preschooler but at the same time, what were they expecting? If the thinking is that hiding her inside a turtleneck would not somehow also lead to complaints is to drastically underestimate the boobage in question.

The address may no longer be Sesame Street but Katy’s will always be an untamed road nestled between two giant mountains of awesome.

This story hits close to home because the official policy of this website has always been that there’s never such a thing as too much cleavage. It’s one of the few bits of actual policy we’ve ever written down and adhered to, based solely on the life-saving capabilities of a larger cup size when a bra is turned into an emergency respiratory device.

In addition, Katy Perry maintains our open invitation as a guest columnist — including Reddi-Wip refills and an endless selection of “Hot n Cold” teas for her pleasure while she crafts her piece — providing her article devotes at least 75% of its content to a character study of her outstanding breasts.

I use “breasts” as a focal point in a story about Sesame Street and it’s not vulgar or out of place because school officials in Helena, Montana wanted that same freedom — to use words like “penis, vagina, breast, nipples, testicles, and scrotum” when teaching classes as early as kindergarten. This too sent parents of pre-schoolers into a tizzy and rightfully so.

Last week, the school board revised the curriculum but that doesn’t mean I’m going back and deleting “boobs” and “breasts” from this story. In fact, I may mention them again if I can find a way.

Meanwhile, Elmo (and the majority of the Sesame Street cast) runs naked through the neighborhood without anyone seeming to mind or notice. I’d add that even though we can’t see it (and not to be a spoiler), someone’s hand is clearly shoved up Elmo’s bottom. There’s a slang word for this act and I’d rather you look it up yourself.

This is hardly the biggest controversy in Sesame Street history and Elmo has been in the news before. Incidentally, Tickle Me: Bert and Tickle Me: Ernie dolls were marketing failures because the toys insisted on only tickling each other.

A little history from Wikipedia … “Elmo is the only non-human or puppet ever to testify before the U.S. Congress. At the request and with the assistance of Rep. Duke Cunningham, he testified before the House Appropriations Subcommittee on Labor, Health and Human Services and Education in April 2002, urging support for increased funding in music education.”

I repeat: The testimony of a puppet was specifically requested. This should tell you everything you need to know about Congress.

Boobs.

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Cincinnati Reds neglect to return to present day after “turn back the clock” game

Sitting in a reserved coach seat on Amtrak’s Texas Eagle bound for Chicago, Cincinnati Reds third baseman Scott Rolen couldn’t help feeling a bit reflective. It wasn’t that he was consumed by a pennant race entering it’s final weeks, it was the difference upon entering the clubhouse following Sunday’s 4-3 loss to the Astros, he said. Something odd that couldn’t exactly be placed at the moment. Something didn’t feel right.

That “something” has since been explained as a clerical error by Reds marketing staff, failing to formally conclude yesterday’s “Turn Back the Clock” event at Houston’s Minute Made Park by properly issuing an order with the league to return the team to present day. This formality, which Cincinnati front office staff plans to take up with the Commissioner’s office Monday morning, has left the ballclub confined to the late 1880’s.

“I checked the dry erase board for info on our charter flight and it wasn’t there,” said Rolen, who went 1-for-1 as a pinch hitter on Sunday. “Not much was there, just a few chairs and a place to get changed. The team doctor was smoking a cigarette. I asked Joey (Votto) what was going on and that’s when we both realized the only players in the locker room with us were white.”

“I went looking for Miguel Cairo and couldn’t find him,” Votto said. “Nobody had seen him. I was talking to him in the dugout and thought he was behind me when we came through the tunnel.”

Nobody has seen Cairo since.

Same with catcher Ramon Hernandez, shortstop Orlando Cabrera, relief pitchers Aroldis Chapman, Arthur Rhodes and roughly a third of the Reds roster, as Major League Baseball did not integrate until 1947.

Once the time warp issue is resolved, African-American and Latino players should re-appear, hopefully in time for tonight’s 8:10 PM start in Milwaukee.

Thankfully, scheduled starter Homer Bailey is white, so the pitching rotation won’t be immediately effected.

Cincinnati Manager Dusty Baker is perhaps the biggest loss for the team. In his third season as Reds skipper, the three-time National League Manager of the Year has guaranteed the club an above-.500 season for the first time since 2000 and the franchise is poised to claim it’s first NL Central Division title since 1995. Baker was noticeably absent in post-game interviews Sunday. Bench Coach Chris Speier fielded questions during a make-shift press conference next to a barn.

Back-up catcher Corky Miller

“I was left holding the bag,” said Speier, assuming the role of interim manager. “I’m trying to find out what’s happening too, I didn’t have a lot of answers. I’m saying things like ‘hullaballoo’ and ‘druthers’ and I’ve never used words like that before. I didn’t have a lot of time to chew the rag with reporters — there I go again! I have no idea what that expression means.”

For now, the remaining team members struggle in uncomfortable coach seats, fighting for sleep on the Texas Eagle. The hope is that the Commissioner’s office can remedy the error soon enough on Monday so that the Reds can transfer to a charter flight in either St. Louis or Chicago. If not, it’s a late afternoon arrival by train in Milwaukee and a very tired Cincinnati club.

Currently up by 6 games over division rival St. Louis, this space-time hiccup has pitcher Bronson Arroyo noticeably unsettled. “We’ve had a pretty rough September (7 wins-11 losses) without this but we’ve got a good lead in the division,” he said. “Hopefully this series in Milwaukee goes well. It’s going to be interesting. We’ve never played at night. Or have we??? Oh jeez, I don’t know what’s going on anymore.”

This isn’t the first time-travel mishap to threaten a Major League team and nobody more than Rolen needs to be reminded. “I was on that 2009 Blue Jays team [but was traded to the Cincinnati in July] and there isn’t a day I don’t think about it,” Rolen said — referring to the accidental beaming to the future of the Toronto ballclub. This error set off a series of events ending with the entire team being executed by cyborgs, led by evil Emperor Olinnex in 2099.

“They say they transposed a digit and added 90 years by mistake and I don’t know how that even happens but a lot of good men lost their lives because of that,” Rolen said. “I just want to close my eyes and when I wake up, it’s over. I don’t know what year we’re in and I don’t want to know.”

Cincinnati’s Jim Edmonds, Scott Rolen and Jonny Gomes

Most likely guesses peg it at 1888. “We didn’t have a particular year in mind with the promotion. We were picking up on something the Astros were doing and put together some uniforms from the era,” said Jeff Litton, Assistant Director of Media Relations for the Reds. “Musty dark blue flannel road jerseys but nobody’s sure if this was the 1876 style or something closer to 1900. All this has made it harder for us to locate the team in the continuum and bring them back home.”

Litton blames the error on timing led on by the distractions of a pennant race. “It was all sort of rushed on our part,” he said. “Believe me, we’ll never make this mistake again.”

These promotional events usually go off without a hitch, notwithstanding the 1986 incident when the Kansas City Royals were lost in a time portal and were never found again. Major League Baseball has yet to issue a statement regarding today’s meeting with Reds front office staff.

Meanwhile, players are coping. “I’m just happy to be here. Hope I can help the ballclub,” said Aaron Harang. “I just want to give it my best shot, and the good Lord willing, things will work out,” proving that some clichés work in any era.

“People in the dining car were talking about Jack the Ripper terrorizing London,” said outfielder Jonny Gomes, who points out the team is not yet the Reds but the Cincinnati Red Stockings. “I had breakfast with someone who works for the Grover Cleveland campaign and he asked me who I planned to vote for, it’s such a hoot. I love the History Channel so I’m really enjoying this.”

“We’re supposed to be in San Diego Friday night and even with a day off Thursday, I don’t see how we make it there in time,” said outfielder Jim Edmonds. “We may have to play a ‘Turn Ahead the Clock’ game to make up time. All I know is, pencil me in. We’ve got a division to win.”

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Stimulus funds humor computer

A Northwestern University professor has received $712,883 in stimulus funds to program computers in the art of telling jokes.

Listed at #36 in the recent Summertime Blues: Top 100 Stimulus Projects that Give Taxpayers the Blues, the grant will allow researcher Kristian Hammond to fund the grad student program which seeks to mimic human behavior in order to better serve future search technology.

The idea behind the project is to create software armed with the ability to think like the human mind and this technology will eventually replace modern search engines. “We’re modeling human cognitive skills on a machine,” Hammond said. “This is hard-core computer engineering. … I’m not really that funny of a guy.”

No immediate reaction from comedians regarding the threat of their eventual extinction, although word is that most agree the only industry personality in need of worry will be Carlos Mencia.

When asked for a demonstration of the technology thus far, Northwestern researchers allowed us to ask multiple questions, spoken directly to the computer as if we were having a conversation with a human being. We chose to stick with the classics …

Q.  Knock, knock.

A.  Who’s there?

Q.  Orange.

A.  Orange who?

Q.  Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?

A.  You didn’t say banana, you said orange.

Q.  Okay. Um, how about this. The Pope, Elvis and Sarah Palin walk into a bar.

A.  Elvis is dead. It would not be possible for him to walk.

Q.  Never mind. Ask me what’s the most important thing about comedy.

A. (Six minute, 42-second pause for reboot) Timing.

Q.  Why did the chicken cross the road?

A.  HTTP Error 404 – File or Directory not found.

Q.  Here’s a classic. Pardon me, sir, how do I get to Carnegie Hall?”

A. Head west on Clark St toward Chicago Ave  118 ft
2. Take the 1st left onto Chicago Ave  1.6 mi
3. Turn left at South Blvd  0.4 mi
4. Continue straight onto Sheridan Rd  2.3 mi
5. Continue onto N Broadway  0.9 mi
6. Turn left at W Hollywood Ave  0.2 mi
7. Continue onto N Lake Shore Dr  0.9 mi
8. Continue onto US-41 S/N Lake Shore Dr  8.9 mi
9. Take the exit onto I-55 S toward St Louis/I-90/I-94  1.1 mi
10. Take exit 293B for I-90 E/I-94 E toward Indiana  0.5 mi
11. Merge onto I-90 Express E/I-94 Express E  2.1 mi
12. Take the exit onto I-90 E/I-94 E
Continue to follow I-90 E. Partial toll road
Passing through Indiana
Entering Ohio  308 mi
13. Continue straight onto I-80 E Toll road  76.2 mi
14. Take exit 218 for I-80 E Toll road  0.9 mi
15. Keep left at the fork, follow signs for Mahoning Ave/OH-18 and merge onto I-80 E. Partial toll road
Passing through Pennsylvania
Entering New Jersey  374 mi
16. Slight left at I-280 E. Partial toll road  17.3 mi
17. Take exit 16E toward Lincoln Tunnel. Toll road  0.7 mi
18. Merge onto I-95 N. Partial toll road  3.5 mi
19. Take exit 16E toward Lincoln Tunnel/NJ-3. Toll road  0.1 mi
20. Keep right at the fork, follow signs for Lincoln Tunnel/New York City and merge onto NJ-495 E. Partial toll road
Entering New York  3.5 mi
21. Continue onto Lincoln Tunnel. Toll road  0.8 mi
22. Take the exit toward W 40th St. Partial toll road  0.2 mi
23. Turn right at W 40th St  0.2 mi
24. Turn left at 8th Ave  0.8 mi
25. Turn right at W 57th St  0.2 mi
26. Take the 2nd right onto 7th Ave

Destination will be on the left  148 ft

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RIP, Kid Twist

With a heavy heart, Place it on Lucky Dan mourns the loss of actor Harold Gould. The man who offered the phrase on the masthead was 86 and a favorite.

The video below has been blocked by NBC Universal, not content with profits from a 40-year old film that won Best Picture and would have seemingly maxed it’s earnings potential somewhere prior to the posting of this one minute promotional clip.

One of the finest films ever made, if you don’t own a copy, look for it instead in HD on Turner Classic Movies (schedule here). Usually shown monthly, DVR the film, then burn copies on DVD — they make excellent gifts.

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Lady Gaga, Justin Bieber + Cow

In what might be classified either as a waste of perfectly good steak or a highly erotic slow-roasting process, Lady Gaga continued her mindf&*k with PETA executives on Sunday — accepting the MTV Video Music Award for Video of the Year in an outfit that was later a huge hit at the Wolfgang Puck afterparty.

In light of recent accusations that Lady Gaga is manufactured and has lifted her style from Madonna and others, The Beatles might want a take on this one. At least they wore shop coats. The Red Hot Chili Peppers famously wore socks on their meat but I assure you that was something entirely different.

The “Bad Romance” singer fired both barrels at the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals just a few days earlier, disturbing a seemingly equable relationship — Gaga is a vegan and PETA had approached her to pose nude as part of its “Rather Go Naked Than Wear Fur” campaign last summer. By appearing on the cover of Japanese Men’s Vogue magazine in a beef bikini, most were shocked and somewhat horrified to learn that Vogue actually publishes a magazine geared strictly towards men in Japan. Staying on topic, the frowning animal rights group naturally frowned.

How is it so quickly assumed that the specific animal involved in whatever comment PETA is speaking to was tortured? Maybe this happens to be the one that slipped and fell on the whirling bone saw and it all happened so fast but it can’t always be the case. Just once could it be admitted that the possibility existed where the animal (for example, the one featured adorning Lady Gaga’s naked body) was rubbed daily with mineral oil, fed the finest grains and might very well have been loved beyond comprehension — dying a most glorious death in that it was so very uncharacteristically painless?

Maybe once, just for fun?

Not an overwhelming PETA smackdown of Gaga in Round One because you get the feeling they kinda still want to make this thing work. Which makes it all the more interesting that Cher presented the award. Much like the scene in Moonstruck which won her the Oscar, she sees the need to double-slap Nic Cage even harder because he just isn’t getting it, exactly as Lady Gaga double-slapped PETA on Sunday to say there’s much more to her side of the story. Gaga needed to wake the organization up to the fact that the two of them are, indeed, in a bad romance. I have no evidence whatsoever to support this theory.

When Gaga fired the second round, she proved beef isn’t only what’s for dinner, it’s seemingly no longer a fashion faux pas to wear black angus after Labor day. The dress was real, which can be verified by Laurie Ann Gibson, who Gaga hugged upon winning the award, as well as the Nokia Theatre workers enlisted to remove stains from a cloth chair.

Second response and of course PETA has to play the maggot card, she’s pushed them too far. Flies would be more of an actual concern in the theatre, on the night in question. If PETA spokespeople ate meat, they’d know this. Maggots wouldn’t set in for days.

If meat is such a no-no, where was the beef (rimshot) with Lady Gaga’s second outfit of the night, made entirely of leather and of such an exaggeratedly unnecessary amount that it took two handlers to assist her up the stairs? I’d remind PETA that leather is the other side of the cow — the outside. I posed this question to PETA and will update with their response.

If Gaga shows up to the next event seeking balance, she’ll wear a potato outfit made of 50 strategically placed russets but you’ll only be able to count 49. Would this too be considered a highly erotic slow-roasting technique or gross mistreatment of a tater? Would PETA be 98% happy with the outfit?

It should also be pointed out that Justin Bieber performed Sunday with leather sleeves on his jacket, plus he lip-synched his performance and this has been proven to give off methane. No response from PETA. It’s difficult to tell if his sleeves are actually leather or some sort of subdued vinyl but the main reason to bring this up is to mention Justin Bieber’s name for the purposes of web traffic. Justin Bieber. Justin Bieber.

********UPDATE********  SEPT 24, 2010 — No response from PETA.

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Economic downturn too legit

More from “THE TWITTER COLLECTION …”

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Give an inch, take a year’s salary

A recent analysis of online dating sites set out to scientifically determine which attributes were the most successful in terms of generating responses from the opposite sex, beyond attractiveness.

From the Boston Globe: “Men’s height was the most important feature to women. In fact, the researchers were able to put the value of height into numbers. By comparing height to salary, they found a man who is 5 feet 9 inches tall needs to make between $35,000 and $40,000 more per year to get as many responses as a man who is 5 feet 10 inches tall.”

The average man in the USA stands 5-foot-9. Therefore, it would take another inch or $40,000 for a woman to see him as an above average catch.

For a woman to respond to this average man’s dating ad, it’s worth nearly his entire annual salary, less if he’s a federal employee.

In the eyes of the female online dater (at $40K an inch), an unemployed 6-footer is exceptionally more appealing than an average man of height and wage. On this scale, a tall man with money would be deemed incomprehensibly attractive, which explains Wilt Chamberlain and everything he was talking about.

Just this week, a Princeton researcher published findings findings that suggest “$75,000 is a threshold beyond which further increases in income no longer improve individuals’ ability to do what matters most to their emotional well-being.”

Translation: If you make $50K, you’re not as content as you’d be if you made $25K more. Make $125K and you’re not enjoying life anymore than if you made $50K less, so he says.

Taking these theories to heart and going by the numbers …

If a 5-foot 9-inch man makes $75K, he’s in great spirits but lonelier than a similar man an inch taller, who makes $35K.

Make an average salary at 5-foot-10 and one would call that perfection, however you’re still relying on a dating site to meet women.

Likely the best shape would be a man standing 5′ 11″ and losing $5K a year. He may not even be slightly happy but women will never leave him alone.

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Seattle serial killer claims #11; alters style, city in panic as 2nd serial killer theory emerges

BY SAMANTHA BONDS, EMILY PUCKETT, THERESA BUECHELE & MICHELLE McDANIEL, The Associated Press

SEATTLE (AP) — A serial killer with a fondness for female college students in their early 20’s has struck again, sending shivers through an already traumatized greater Seattle-Tacoma area. The death of the latest victim, a 33-year old Eastgate resident, has FBI and local law enforcement officials seeking understanding into what may have caused the killer to alter his preference and style.

Authorities have urged calm while they determine if this latest murder was at the hands of the same man or if a second serial killer is on the loose. Authorities have been quick to quell any potential panic as local women find themselves in fear for their lives, in the wake of now 11 murders in the past eight weeks.

“The main thing now is for everyone to stay cool and not jump to any conclusions,” said Seattle Police Chief Rod Dravecky. “There’s been no determination that a second cold-blooded killer is roaming the streets or if it’s just the one that we know of who’s prowling around ready to strike at any minute. For now, assume it’s just the one.”

The assailant, dubbed “the Puget Sound Slaying Strangler Slasher Killer” by federal agents (and “PS4K” by local media), has been up until recently selecting only college-age females as prey. Of the 11 victims, the first eight shared a common bond in that they were students, waitresses or retail clerks between the ages of 20 and 24. Some of the victims were said to have unwittingly been in contact with the alleged serial killer but were unable to discern that a murderer was living in their midst at the time. Computer and cell phone traces have thus far reportedly not alerted the FBI to any suspicious individuals.

The three most recent victims are said to fit an older, more professional profile, leaving a city already scared witless to wrap itself around the thought that a second serial killer may be lurking.

The first of this trio was Issaquah resident Samantha Bonds, 31, an Associated Press reporter covering the PS4K case for just over a month. Bonds was last seen 12 days ago leaving her home, her husband said, to meet an unknown individual who had promised her insight into the killer’s identity. Bonds, who contributed to portions of this story, was later found stabbed to death in the trunk of her car, also a departure for PS4K, who thus far has been prone to strangulation.

Psychologists say it’s uncommon for a serial killer to alter styles, especially in mid-mission. “To break from profile to an older target doesn’t automatically suggest a second serial killer, possibly it may signify that the killer has simply expanded his range to any and all women,” says Susan McDonald, Clinical Psychology online instructor at Capella University – The Harold Abel School of Psychology. McDonald stresses that a killer victimizing indiscriminately and choosing women randomly, irregardless of age, employment or physical characteristics is something that deserves awareness in the community.

“PS4K has been murdering based on a need for control,” she said. “It’s a transfer of power, youth and beauty from the victim to the individual and the killer thinks he’s doing the world a favor by eliminating these people from society. With sexual gratification seemingly not on his thrill list, it may just be general anger issues towards women. Myself, I wouldn’t be too comfortable living in Seattle right now.”

Within a week, Emily Puckett, 34, of Renton was found strangled behind a Bellevue motel. The murder was believed to be an isolated event until it was discovered that Puckett, also an AP reporter, was set to interview a person who had claimed to identify himself as the Puget Sound Slaying Strangler Slasher Killer but was said to be altering his voice during the phone conversation. Police followed the lead but could not determine if the suspect was home at the time after, a police spokesman said, “knocking repeatedly.”

Ironically, Puckett was the reporter assigned to replace Bonds after she had gone missing. Puckett, who also contributed to this story, had spoken in depth with McDonald. “I’m stunned, I was just talking to her,” the instructor said via email. “I know if it was me and I lived in that city, I’d get my butt in a car so fast out of town. You’re just asking for it being a woman staying there and this guy might continue with even older targets. Maybe that’s his game — he’s working his way up the ladder — or it’s more than one guy. Either way, Sea-Tac, one-way, see ya later. But that’s just me. Otherwise, Seattle is a very beautiful city.”

The latest victim, Theresa Buechele, was found shot to death in her apartment in a suicide attempt police determined had been staged. A correspondent with the Associated Press, Buechele had recently contributed the follow-up interview above, this prior to being dispatched to investigate the lead Puckett had developed in a courageous attempt to interview the alleged PS4K.

FBI agents on the case have been tight-lipped, deferring to local officials much of the pressure to answer to the community. One federal agent (on condition of anonymity), however, suggested “if a second serial killer is proven to be in the city, we might call them both the Bookend Killers or the Pike Place Market Murder Twins, providing they look somewhat alike.”

Dravecky has repeatedly attempted to stress whatever silver linings he can muster in order to maintain a level of peace in the city. “If it’s any consolation,” he said, “the guy or guys aren’t raping anyone. They’re just killing. I know if I was a woman, I’d sleep a bit easier knowing what might or might not be in store for me. He or they don’t seem to be into the sex thing before — or after, thank goodness — so that’s a relief. There are a lot of sick pups out there and we’ve got at least one of them running around unchecked. But we’ll find him. Or them. If it’s more than two, we’ll find them all.”

Associated Press editors will announce later today the name of correspondent it plans to send next in a race to scoop the Seattle Times, which also plans to send reporters to land the prized interview. AP is apparently leaning heavily on one reporter in particular who has thus far steadfastly refused the assignment.

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Hey there, Mr. Grumpy Gills

Q.  “I think the Internet is the most dangerous thing invented since the atomic bomb,” John Mellencamp recently told Reuters. “It’s destroyed the music business. It’s going to destroy the movie business.” What is wrong with these people?

 A.  John, you keep swimming when life gets you down. Sounds like Mr. Sourcrab’s been nipping at the vinegar again. It’s not that the internet is killing these industries, it’s reshaping them — just as prior technology got them this far. Cause and effect created by invention, hardly a new concept. Feel free to insert a “horse and buggy” reference at your convenience.

Artists complain but eventually go with the flow because the flow is where he money is — where the industry will always find itself. Internet downloading is just the latest trick and it’s relatively final. This is my guess why Mellencamp is cramping. I don’t know what he’s not happy about.

When I moved west, I rented a truck and loaded the Mom’s Attic with tightly-packed bricks of about 800+ CDs. About 2000 miles later, the suspension was, um, as the guy from AAA said, “completely fucked.” Add passengers and the inside tread of the front tires had worn to nothing due to the weight. One blew just past Barstow and, boy, that was a fun day.

Today all that music and more fits in your pocket. The equivalent weight enough to overwhelm the structural integrity of a Ryder truck can now be stored on a device that clips to your shoulder and weighs an ounce. An environmentalist like Mellencamp should be thrilled we’ve grown this portable, streamlined and efficient. All that needless bulk; all the landfills free of packaging from albums like Cuttin’ Heads, cassettes like Rough Harvest or his latest CD, No Better than This.

Album sales overall are down. Overlooked as a reason? We no longer need to buy Michael Jackson’s Thriller again. We originally had it on vinyl; recorded it to cassette to hear it in the car; broke down, bought the cassette; then the CD and now downloaded on iTunes. We’re done. I’m not surprised it’s the biggest selling album of all time, count me at four copies. Some even bought the reel-to-reel.

We can now park our music in a digital format and we’re good for the foreseeable future. When the cerebral implant becomes reality and you bump music to your brain using an iPhone app, count me in (I thought of it first).

VINYL: Audiophiles still swear by it. That it’s not dead, is a testimony (way to go, Edison!!) but you couldn’t bring it to the car. Remedied by 8-track, the portability could not outweigh the fact that it sucked like you could not believe. Cassettes unsucked. We’d proceed to re-buy everything again. No complaints so far from Mellencamp.

Technology to record cassette-to-cassette was supposed to destroy the industry too. If it had, we’d be talking about that and not how Mellencamp’s last Top 10 song was 1994’s “Wild Night” (#1 in Canada/#3 USA). While his first seven albums impressively yielded nine Top 10s, his last 13 have just the one — a Van Morrison cover — SIXTEEN years ago.

SIDE NOTE ABOUT CASSETTES: Very easy to steal and how perfectly they fit in your pocket. Ask Johnny Cougar if physically stealing is preferred. I watched a friend shoplift American Fool in 1982 and he liked it so much he stole Uh-huh the following year. How easy? Day of high school graduation, I mentioned a tape I wanted. Same friend turned, walked in the store and was back a few minutes later with it in his hands — that easy, and a thoughtful gift. It’s the industry’s job to protect the product. The internet isn’t the cause of the felony, it’s the messenger.

COMPACT DISCS: Harder to steal. Reluctance to switch with so much tech turnover in the 1980’s, this soon changed everything. Now perfect home stereo on the road. Re-buy everything and to hell with the next delivery system, we’re not changing again. Take your Digital Compact Cassette and whatever the hell that other thing was and shove it up your ass. We’re happy with CDs and are all spent out.

DIGITAL: Even better, but the last time we’re doing it. Download immediately, have a new album or song the moment it’s released and you don’t need to go anywhere. It weighs nothing. We can live without liner notes and packaging. Get the lyrics and artwork on your phone. No paper or plastic, total portability. Bye bye, Tower Records and Virgin Megastore. Save a tree and gas, the internet wins again.

“Scuse me while I kiss this guy??” Not anymore. [Mondegreen: click here] “Tiny Dancer” lyrics become “Hold me closer, Tony Danza?” Smartphone. In less than a minute, the rumor’s flushed and everyone knows the words. Wouldn’t a songwriter of this magnitude be thrilled about this? “Wrapped up like a douche, another runner in the night?” That one got me in trouble when I was a kid. Lyrical mishaps like these are a thing of the past thanks to the net.

Ask Journey. Looking for a lead singer, they found Arnel Pineda on YouTube. Neal Schon saw his videos and sent him an email. Without the internet, it would have taken Schon years of auditioning Filipino cover bands in order to find the right fit.

How many times did you buy a shitty album because of one song? No other consumer choice was available. Now you download the song and be done with it. Listen to it and if you like it, buy more or complete the album. Total freedom.

Also in that moving truck was a set of encyclopedias that weighed about 75 pounds. Where’s Johnny’s support for all that paper, weight and annoying sales staff at your door? Pick up a magazine and it’s smaller than it was last issue. Advertisers went internet. Newspapers? Internet. Same information and you get it now. Why pay to read it again tomorrow? No paper, less waste and crap to lug around. Mellencamp should be doing cartwheels.

It’s not an album world anymore. Mellencamp has failed to thrive in the iTunes era because he has no new singles worth $1.29 a click. He’s a forgotten child of the internet because we already own his best work.

You have to go back 14 years to find a Mellencamp album with any significant singles chart success (Mr. Happy Go Lucky). In 2003, Trouble No More had two releases which failed to chart, compare that to SIX charting singles from the brilliant The Lonesome Jubilee (1989) and an amazing SEVEN off Scarecrow (1985). He would have cleaned house if the net was available 25 years ago — singles download galore and probably never a bad word about the system. Made in the shade, like a ball through a hoop.

The entertainment industry treats its product like a cheap commodity with zero shelf life, he’s right about that. The goal is not quality, it’s what might sell — still not the internet’s fault — but to say the Chinese or Russians are the only smart countries in the world is a sad indictment of the Americana one would think Mellencamp would be prone to praise. Why can’t good-ole fashioned American ingenuity hack into the power grid and financial system? Why not us?

Interviews like this confirm why people stopped buying his music. Bitter and preachy on our dime, usually the last people we want entertaining us. Subtle hints, an older grump who still wants people to care what he thinks but unable to connect musically.

I don’t get artists so actively campaigning for one side of the political divide then bitching about the result when they’re the ones who alienated half the fanbase. This is a statement artists choose to make and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. No longer appealing to half your audience, though, is bound to effect your numbers.

And lastly, old man, rock and roll isn’t going anywhere. It flows, it reacts and adapts but always endures. Every kid wants to play guitar and this will never change. We have air guitar contests and Rock Band for those who can’t figure it out for reals. Some will. Some of the more talented kids will form bands. Some of those bands will be good and we’ll buy some of their music. It’s a guarantee they’ll have more avenues to reach an audience with the internet than without it.

I have seen the enemy and it is not the web.

Somewhere in the mushroom cloud fall-out left by the second-half of John Mellencamp’s career, sits a talented singer-songwriter who — forget the future — refuses to embrace the present. Worst yet, he may never realize the degree in which he’s been verbally manhandled here because he refuses to use the internet to click links like this.

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