I think you know why I called this emergency meeting.
A group of 20 Canadian and foreign tourists and their guides are stranded on an ice floe off Baffin Island in Nunavut, deep in the northernmost territory of Canada. They were set adrift when a 31-mile slab of ice broke away from shore between Monday night and early Tuesday and floated out to sea.
It’s 35 degrees, but they’ve been provided survival kits to get them through the night.
It’s said the floe probably broke away because of the gravitational pull of the recent “super moon” combined with very strong winds. Rescuers hope to airlift them all to safety today. Fingers crossed that all goes as planned.
I bring this story to your attention in part since you’re Canadian and recently starred in a movie involving penguins, but mainly because metaphors are important. There is no actor in Hollywood currently more dialed into the feeling of floating helplessly from shore, adrift with the hope of recovery in someone else’s hands.
We have quite a lot to repair, and I thank you in advance for understanding the value of this workshop. Let’s start by pinpointing the exact moment when everything went poo.
Charlton Heston movies are no longer in demand?
Enough with the career post-mortem, let’s dwell on the positive …
[Extended pause becomes more uncomfortably funny as the minutes pass. A sun-dial spins round and round, the extended passage of time exaggerated by the use of time-lapse photography. Pages of the calendar flip wildly in the breeze. A man and woman have sex, a baby is born, the boy grows up through little league and college, gets married and has a family, grows old, dies and is buried].
[Cut back to original image of us -- visibly older -- dwelling on the positive, now pretending to "think harder" for effect].
Let’s get to work.
What was the point of this video, other than to ridicule fly-over America with dick jokes and outdated material?
In your reality, gangbangers and the mentally disturbed who do harm with guns are no different than law-abiding citizens who go out of their way to act responsibly. If that truth existed, this would be common knowledge backed by statistics but furthermore it’d be highly unlikely we’d need an actor/comedian to bring it to our attention by way of a Hee Haw parody.
You make no distinction whatsoever between gun owners who DON’T kill children in an angry, despicable spite-filled rage AND the overwhelming majority of idiots who do. Forget the harmless Americans who own guns, you’re not even being generous to the psychotic freaks who do all the legwork responsible for begging your concern.
Hell, give Adam Lanza and James Holmes some credit for inspiring you! They’re no different than people who hunt, lock their weapons away and pass reams of background checks — yet you never hear their names in the news. THOSE are the true enemies — the source of the problem — in your mind.
No question, there are bad people in this world. Have the guts to go after them, Jim. Here’s a project for you: Take on the people involved with making Chicago the murder capital of the United States. Ask them about Hee Haw.
You discarded your audience. You abandoned the very people who’ve done more to support your work and career — who’ll blindly pay to see your films because they like you and know you’re one of the very few who never disappoints — you made it clear that don’t really respect or appreciate them. You certainly aren’t one of them, that’s obvious.
You not only don’t understand your fans, you ridiculed people who on a day-to day-basis, your lifestyle denies you any and all ability to converse with and actually get to know. You condemned a way of life you very well may have been raised in but clearly no longer identify with — people who don’t think like you. You’re enlightened, that’s what we’re left to gather.
By the numbers, who didn’t see The Incredible Burt Wonderstone? The 34 percent of American households with guns — or as many as 200,000 women who use a gun every year to defend themselves against sexual abuse. They’re “heartless motherf%ckers.”
This is your audience: white males — 60 percent of adults with guns in America today are white men. You told them they have small dicks.
These people have consistently afforded you the armed security that enables you to not experience vulnerable emotions which might source the need or desire to protect oneself as a Constitutional right.
Who did you curry favor with instead? Coastal elites who only vaguely admire your work. Since The Truman Show, what else have these people done for you? People’s Choice Awards, Kids’ Choice, MTV Movie Awards Lifetime Achievement — geez, it would be nice to win an award without the threat of getting slimed. Wouldn’t it be great to be taken seriously again?
And these are your 2013 middle-America go-to cultural references — Charlton Heston and Hee Haw? Let me ask you a question: Right now, what year do you think it is in Nebraska?
Have some gonads. Attack someone other than Heston — an Academy Award winning actor who supported the Civil Rights Bill — as a start, a person who might actually be able to respond because they aren’t dead. Give Ted Nugent or Clint Eastwood a call, both are very much alive and more than willing to discuss gun ownership with you.
To be fair, it was you who engaged pro-second amendment blogger and radio host Dana Loesch on Twitter, where she challenged you to condemn the violence in Kick-Ass 2 — and you have. But now you’re in violation of your contract, so we’ll see where that goes.
And to be fairer, Dumb and Dumber was quickly picked up by Universal. But Warner Brothers still anticipated they’d lose money on producing what otherwise would seem to be an automatic cash factory. Consider yourself no longer thought bankable, in the minds of one of the major studios in Hollywood — that’s the substance behind it.
You’re in serious need of rebanding, this is not a good look for you. Make no apologies! And not another press release. You’re highly talented and capable of righting this ship.
Work to better mask the suggestion that you’re avoiding Kick-Ass 2 press coverage due to questions you might be asked about Cold Dead Hand. Yes, it’s risky. Out of your shell, you’re unprotected. That’s shaky ice, mister. Potential media circus could erupt, facing some of the very people you just insulted … not good … but, at the same time, what an opportunity to engage and educate those plebes east of Brentwood!
Steer into that skid, be a man — let this be your soapbox. Embrace the right to your opinion! This is the situation you created, have the guts to defend your ideas.
Middle America is waiting for you.
And some good news! All 20 Canadian and foreign tourists have been rescued off the ice floe. Of them, a group of 10 resourceful hunters made it safely to shore several hours before the remaining group had to be helplessly airlifted to safety, but don’t let that angle spoil your enjoyment of the story.
© 2013, Place it on Lucky Dan. All rights reserved.