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The Lord of the Rings Gil-galads Miniature Shield by Weta

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Sources inside the league confirm, nearly every current NFL player is gay

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NEW YORK — At the Super Bowl, San Francisco cornerback Chris Culliver drew criticism for saying a gay player wouldn’t be accepted in the 49ers locker room. Culliver apologized and underwent sensitivity training.

In February, the National Football League faced scrutiny after general managers at the annual rookie scouting combine wanted to know the sexual orientation of certain players.

During an April interview with The Baltimore Sun, former Ravens linebacker Brendon Ayanbadejo said: “I think it will happen sooner than you think,” Ayanbadejo said. “We’re in talks with a handful of players who are considering it. There are up to four players being talked to right now and they’re trying to be organized so they can come out on the same day together. It would make a major splash and take the pressure off one guy. It would be a monumental day if a handful or a few guys come out.”

What a difference a few months make.


This week, Ayanbadejo amended his comments, insisting he said “up to” when he meant to say “all but” four players. Sources deep inside the league offices confirm he is correct, nearly every active roster player in the NFL is gay.

An official announcement by the NFL is due before teams report to training camp in July. Divorce attorneys expect to have their hands full, as what have widely been understood to be sham marriages to women turn out to be fronts for homosexual pursuits.

“The NFL should schedule a mass-coming out — everybody at the same time,” said Ayanbadejo, “and the four remaining straights will feel the injustice gay players have suffered all these years, uncomfortable in their own skin. Maybe those four come out too — unless they stay resilient and convince everyone in the league to rejoin heterosexuality. In that case, it’s back to square one.”

Seattle’s Marshawn Lynch isn’t worried, saying the league’s transition into homosexuality has been a long time coming. “All players should meet in front of the press as one, hold hands in solidarity and finally be honest with our families and fans.” Lynch would not confirm whether he was gay or straight.

Upon hearing the news, Eagles quarterback Michael Vick fluttered with excitement, swiftly clapping his hands as he shrieked, “Imma bout to go cray-cray. I’ll bring my posse and everyone will be there, we’ll have a parade and we’ll all throw beads! It’ll be glorious.”

Just last week, the sports world welcomed Jason Collins as the first openly gay player in any of the four major sports. Commissioner Roger Goodell, no doubt feeling pressure from the rival NBA’s announcement, stepped up his original: “there’s no need to make this a celebration,” to today’s, “who am I to stand in the way of a parade?”

The commissioner further suggested the NFL has tentatively made plans to perform pre-game player marriages in states where it is permitted by law, as well as provide grief counseling for fans of teams in the AFC South.

The four confirmed straight players have not yet announced and it’s unknown at this time if there are plans for them to come forward. It’s widely understood that the pressure to be heterosexual in such a homosexually-charged atmosphere is as psychologically disruptive as hazing or solitary confinement. Goodell said he intends to stand up to gay-on-straight bullying of any kind by implementing tolerance and sensitivity training as well as therapy for repeated heterophobes.

UPDATE– May 1, 2013: And then there were three. An e-mail from Tom Brady’s agent Donald Yee confirms that as part of his recent extension, heterosexuality was specifically written into his client’s contract. The Patriots have yet to speak on the record however team spokesman Stacey James shrugged off questions during a recent conference call, then laughed hysterically for slightly over eight minutes.

Of the Brady confirmation, former teammate Wes Welker tweeted: “I can’t wait to play with an openly flaming quarterback, they usually diagram tight routes,” referring to new Denver teammate Peyton Manning. “Stuff your way through the line, get yourself wide open, turn and know that Peyton is throwing you the ball?” he said. “All I’m thinking is: don’t blow it, don’t release early.”

Opponents of gay football stress a greater possibility for the spread of disease and worry that risk may endanger fans at autograph signings or award shows. Viral Facebook photos depict fans fearful that they may now contract AIDS if a player signs their jersey.

Facebook has pulled most of these photos and users have pointed to a hypothetical sports broadcast set in the future as reason against having gay football players.

UPDATE — October 14, 2017: Despite the new pastels and bold color choices of the NFL, gay football is as passé as gay marriage. America has accepted it’s most popular sport as gay just as America is comfortable with it’s gay president and newly written handbook for the Boy Scouts of America, all the while conceding the majority of Tony Award winning choreographers are now straight. Homosexuality is not only accepted, it’s no longer a conversation. Everything is gay.

UPDATE — January 4, 2018, Chargers vs. Steelers:

Announcer #1: Wow, look at McIntyre, he’s laboring. That’s not good.

Announcer #2: Yeah, he took a really hard shot there. My guess is — yes, they’re taking him out of the game, I’m not surprised. Clean hit, on contact, but that’s gotta hurt.

Announcer #1: Good to see him on his feet, a very hard hit. Oh, he’s back down! Here comes the medical staff.

Announcer #2: He took a serious pounding, not quite like the pounding he’ll take in the team sauna after the game, but he’s lucky he doesn’t have a concussion. Hopefully he just got the wind knocked out of him.

Announcer #1: They’re calling for the golf cart. Never good to see this.

Announcer #2: Too bad, the other players have always said McIntyre’s a great receiver — as well as a great receiver, a person who catches the football. In the clubhouse/on the field, anything near his hands, he’s all over it. He just sucks it right in, he’s a gamer.

Announcer #1: No way he’s giving tonight.

Announcer #2: Not after that hit! He’ll be lucky to grab a teammate’s ankles, let alone his own, by the looks of the replay. He might have cracked a rib. May want to be on the safe side and just keep him on hand jobs and BJs for 3-5 days, but we’ll see what Coach Robinson says after the game. That was one nasty hit.

Announcer #1: But he held onto the ball, which is very much true to his nature.

Announcer #2: Well, he’s a professional. It’s not only a loss if McIntyre’s out of the lineup for an extended period of time, it’s knowing he’s in your clubhouse and not using a feather duster on your opponent’s taint or butthole just before he’s about to climax — whatever it is you’re into, that’s a personal choice. But it’s a tremendous moral boost, speaking as a former player.

Announcer #1: One can’t give enough respect and admiration to someone willing throw caution to the pecking order and be a beta in such an alpha-driven world.

Announcer #2: Those are the ones who usually give the best hummers too.

Announcer #1: Yes, because they enjoy doing it.

Announcer #1 and Announcer #2 kiss.

Six months later, Announcer #1 and Announcer #2 get married in Albany.

Two months later, Announcer #1 and Announcer #2 have marriage annulled, argue incessantly over furniture.

© 2013 – 2014, Soapy Johnson. All rights reserved.

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