GLENDALE, Ariz. — Described by reporters as an “uncharacteristic display of unbelievable confidence,” six prominent members of the Los Angeles Dodgers ownership group were arrested shortly after a press conference today in which they exposed themselves intentionally.
Within moments, angry calls flooded local and live cable TV stations as the televised afternoon press event grew graphically mature with the advent of unexpected genitalia.
Most outlets covering the event were doing so in real time and failed to cut away before each man had the opportunity to carefully unzip and place his penis on a waist-high tabletop for press viewing and photographs.
The consortium of Guggenheim Baseball Management — Mark Walter, Magic Johnson and partners Peter Guber, Stan Kasten, Bobby Patton and Todd Boehly — had originally gathered to discuss Dodgers team chemistry thus far in training camp. Then each exposed themselves in what Walter termed, “The Unveiling.”
Until that point, reporters agree it had been a relatively standard Grapefruit League press event.
Many news channels were so caught off-guard, it took up to seven minutes before cutting live feed. By that time, the six had zipped up and were taken into custody, arrested for lewd conduct and public indecency.
Termed “a deliberate effort to notify the baseball and sporting world that no other ownership group has penises anywhere in the neighborhood of what our owners are packing,” in a statement read by Special Advisor to the Chairman Tommy Lasorda.
“Head to head, you can’t touch us,” Lasorda continued. “Even if you take the average of the six, we’ve got your penis beat,” he read, but did not participate in the display. “Our smallest Dodger owner penis is bigger than your owner’s largest — and I’m talking to some of you rappers out there, don’t even kid yourself.”
It’s long been suggested that Dodger ownership’s lavish spending at such an accelerated clip corresponds with a surplus of blood flow beneath the waistline, say many baseball insiders. Cameras captured the members — no pun intended — of the majority ownership group attempting to and, most say, likely succeeding at proving what now seems a perfectly valid point.
“You couldn’t help but marvel at the enormity,” tweeted Ken Rosenthal, FOXSports.com senior baseball writer and MLB Network insider. “Some of the largest dicks you’ve ever seen, photos might not do them justice,” he said. Later adding, “They should have posed common household objects alongside them, to best give measurement to — so the mind could properly come to grips with — the monster junk this new group is packing.” Adding again, “Big, like you’ve never seen. Thick too. Some in the press couldn’t handle it and I think that was the point, make us all feel uncomfortable with so much penis.”
Major League Baseball condemned the act, issuing a statement apologizing to all who may have been offended, also confirming “it was an unannounced yet deliberate and well-intended stunt by the Dodgers organization. Major League Baseball does not condone the showing of penis by any owner, player, front office or field personnel.”
As Major League Baseball’s opening-day payrolls exceed $3 billion for the first time — a 7.1-percent increase from last year’s figure — no team spent with as much off-season enthusiasm and vitality as the Dodgers and its freshly-empowered owners.
More than half of the increase belongs to the Dodgers, whose projected $213 million payroll is highest in baseball and a 123.9% improvement over the $95.1 million at opening day 2012.
Purchasing the team in March 2012 for $2.15 billion in cash — a record for a sports franchise — the Guggenheim group spoke eagerly of spending on players as well as $300 million in Dodger Stadium renovations.
The Dodgers signed the richest free-agent deal of the off-season — former Angels starting pitcher Zack Greinke (6-year, $147 million) — plus South Korean lefthander Ryu Hyun-jin, for a $36 million, 6-year deal after paying $25.7 million for the right to negotiate with him. Los Angeles will owe approximately $160 million to 10 players alone in 2013.
“Landing such an important part of the Angels starting rotation was a big blow to take back the city, baseball-wise, and send the Halos back to Orange County,” said MLB.com columnist Peter Gammons in December. “The Angels have tried to infiltrate Los Angeles and had done so with great success but this is clearly a different ownership committee. The O’Malleys never would have shown their penises in public.”
The Dodgers won six World Series championships under the O’Malley family, who owned the team for 47 years before selling to News Corp. in 1998. Six years later, the Dodgers were sold again and seven years later the team filed for bankruptcy, a process additionally strained by the much publicized, ugly divorce of owner Frank McCourt.
The Dodgers won no championships under either News Corp. or McCourt.
“Arte Moreno has the smallest prick in Anaheim,” Lasorda’s statement continued, referring to the Angels owner. “That’s something he needs to reconcile himself, signing Josh Hamilton and Albert Pujols isn’t going to make it any bigger.”
ESPN explained the delay in cutting to commercial — once realizing all six men had prepared to show their sex organs — on ratings. Nearly four minutes and forty-five seconds elapsed before former Los Angeles Laker Magic Johnson unzipped his crisply-pressed grey slacks and (as the last of the six majority owners) laid his ample manhood on the table.
“Everyone was waiting for Magic, it looked like he’d be going last,” said ESPN’s Karl Ravech. “How could we possibly cut away at that point? One by one, Stan, Peter, Bobby, they all started whipping it out and it was building up that Magic would be the finale. They clearly rehearsed this.”
Said ESPN baseball analyst Buster Olney, “the sound was unreal — I’ll never forget it. That giant plop, a thud as they each hit the table but especially Magic: Like unloading a 25-pound rib roast on a stainless steel workbench. I’ll never get that sound out of my head. I’ll always associate ordering a large steak with Magic’s Johnson.”
In a statement, Frank McCourt ridiculed today’s press event as classless, saying it “demeaned the standards he helped elevate during his tenure as owner.” Many took McCourt’s comments to imply insecurity about the inadequate nature of his own penis and has no intention of showing it to the public, however McCourt included four framed 5″ x 7″ comparison photos as well as links to his Instagram account, “LoveRocket99.” The account has since been deleted.
© 2013, Soapy Johnson. All rights reserved.