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Mayor Bloomberg to ban cannibals in New York City from eating anyone over 5-foot-4

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As the sweltering summer days of 2012 emerge more primitive, the latest combative effort by Mayor Michael Bloomberg is viewed as another in a long list of nanny state decrees — this time, a proposed ban to outlaw the eating of New York residents standing over 5-foot-4.

Designed to curb a nation’s growing obsession with cannibalism, the public safety measure has enraged Big Apples and small — opponents say the move effectively establishes a height requirement for potential victims; protects tourists at the expense of locals; disproportionately effects New Yorkers of Mexican, Asian and Jewish descent — but none more angry than those  on the underside of 5-foot-5.

“It’s government run amok,” says Alonzo Harper, a cannibal who teaches in Crown Heights. “This city has a 9.7% unemployment rate, we need to worry about getting people back to work. How is this important?”

A war on women.


Failing to account for gender, congenital disorders or ancestry, a cold dividing line exists between winners and losers; U.S. average height is 5-foot-10 for a man, 5-foot-4 for females. Bloomberg’s proposed ban places men at a predictably lesser risk of cannibalism than women and children, the disabled, elves, fairies, elfenfolk, little people, midgets, dwarfs, leprechauns, wee ones.

Bloomberg today was quick to stress that children are exempt until they turn 18. “That would be barbaric,” he said. “With cannibalism on the rise, we’re looking to protect the public, not start a feeding frenzy.”

Still feeling the heat, Bloomberg later tweeted, “Is eating two 5-foot-2 sorority sisters too much of an inconvenience to help reverse a national safety crisis?”

Cannibals complain the ban may force fatty, chunkier cuts to the table, the consensus speaking to the quality lean meat on those over 6-foot-5, specifically NBA basketball players.

“Once again the mayor’s telling us what we can and can’t have, it’s none of his business,” Harper said. “It’s the responsibility of the individual to take care of themselves. It’s not about cannibalism. If they can do this, what will they go after next?”

This all comes after tougher smoking laws, a ban on trans-fats and just weeks after NYC Board of Health approved Mayor Bloomberg’s plan to cut all large sugary drinks from the Big Apple’s diet, the target now is popcorn and milkshakes.

“Bloomberg has proposed a ban of all sugary drinks larger than 16 ounces throughout the city’s restaurants, street carts and stadiums. Only grocery stores and convenience stores would be exempt, as well as drinks with natural fruit juices and drinks with over 50 percent milk. This means while a Big Gulp would still be allowed to be sold at 7-11, but movie theaters will have to get rid of their larger options. Those businesses who do not comply would face $200 fines.”CBS News

The proposed height ban forbids cannibals from eating victims of any form throughout the city’s museums, yogurt stands and tanning salons. Only hospitals and home electronic stores would be exempt, as well as shopping malls with an ethnic consumer base of over 50 percent white. Unaffected by the soda ban, a Big Gulp would still be allowed for sale at 7-11 but you’re not allowed refills even if you ate the face of the diminutive clerk and needed something to wash it down. Any cannibal failing to comply is subject to a $200 fine.

New Yorkers of all shapes and backgrounds are weighing in, surprisingly not all are opposed.

“If you let them get away with this, where will it end?” stresses Raymond Cano, a 16-year cannibal from Scarsdale who says regulation and newcomers crowding the field are making it harder to find quality victims. “That said, you might as well pay the fine, it’s worth the $200. You go to a nice restaurant in mid-town and you’ll easily drop that.”

“If Bloomberg really cared about our health, he’d encourage us to eat taller, leaner, maybe ease off the bath salts,” said Eileen Jepsen of Manhasset. “I’m not a savage, I’m concerned about what I put into my body — which is why I usually seek out joggers or vegans. Plus it usually takes about a week before anyone notices they’re missing.”

Authorities were needed to disperse an angry protest outside a Staten Island senior community, residents contending that their height varies greatly over the course of a day. Seniors held signs reading: “Don’t eat me, I get taller as I sleep!” and “The disks in my spine compress by the weight of my body!” also “I’m at full height in the morning. Measure me then!”

Said one resident, “you think it’s any coincidence the ban is 5-4 and Bloomberg is 5-6? I say we check his height first, make sure he’s telling the truth.”

Bloomberg laughed at the assertion. “We’re not taking away anybody’s right to do things. If people want to eat somebody, it’s their decision,” he said. “If they want to eat someone tall, not in New York City, maybe stay in New Jersey for that.”

At 5-foot-11, chef Mario Batali tweeted his support, “the human meat we use @babbonyc is prime farm-raised, nothing over 5 feet. Everyone seems content with that. Who needs more than that?”

A public comment period on the proposed ban will be tabled by the Board of Health later this month, with public hearings scheduled for August. The board, comprised of Bloomberg appointees, will vote on the proposal in September.

If the ban is passed, it will go into effect in March 2013, just months before the Mayor leaves office.

“Easy for me to say, I think it’s great,” said Gerald Wallace, the 6-foot-7 forward recently agreeing to a deal with the Brooklyn Nets that will pay him $40 million over four years. “The cannibal thing is kind of messed up but as long as you stay out of certain shopping malls or museums, I think. I can’t remember it all, the whole thing’s a bit confusing.”

Responding to Mayor Bloomberg’s trashing of New Jersey, Governor Chris Christie reaffirmed that cannibals are welcome in the Garden State and under no restrictions whatsoever. “People have to make choices,” he said. “Sometimes they’re going to make good choices, sometimes they’re going to make bad choices. But I don’t think we should have a daddy state.”

**UPDATE** New Jersey to ban cannibals from eating anyone over 300 pounds.

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