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THIS JUST IN: Boobs sell stuff

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There’s something happening here. What it is, it’s perfectly clear. There’s a girl with a rack over there, telling me I got to buy beer.

Stop, children. Everybody look what’s going down. Boobs are everywhere — popping up, sometimes two at a time, in any capacity and with no regard to if or why they belong there.

Harder to believe, Americans are seemingly okay with this. Even more harder to believe, I can’t remember my point, I was replaying the video again.

Carl’s Jr. needs to be thanked in person for putting all that together. Not only will I stop by for lunch, I plan to mail them a check when I get home.

To remember the name of this new burger is to have completely missed the point. Jalapenos, Kate Upton at the drive-in, something Southwest burger with Kate Upton. Replay it a few times, it still won’t help. They’ll have a picture of it there, when you place your order. Notice jalapenos, that’s probably the one.

The specific blend of ingredients on this burger is unknown to man, it’s hardly the reason you’re there. You don’t even plan on it, suddenly you’re in line at Hardee’s and aren’t really all that hungry but it doesn’t matter. They ask to take your order and all you remember is Kate Upton, that song “Some like it Hot” and [BOOM!] the subliminal mind splashes: “Southwest Patty Melt. With jalapenos, pepper jack cheese and spicy Sante Fe sauce, a classic just got a whole lot hotter.”

That’s the tits, as effectiveness in advertising goes. Whatever it is, there’s no denying, as Americans, we love ourselves some boobage. Buying a product is the least we can do, as long as it cheaper than cover charge.

It’s like they’ve burrowed into our brains and discovered a rarely known synapse which fires rapidly at the sight of a fantastic set of jugs. And they keep doing it over and over, as if they’re intentionally trying to make us happy.

We’re not talking lingerie ads — where quality bra stuffers play such a pivotal role — you might be looking for a domain name, new wireless plan, maybe you’re tired of cable. Boobies will defy convention and appear whether necessary or not. It’s sometimes subtle, you need to have a sharp eye.

Miss it and ask yourself why you’re at the Burger King drive-thru ordering a pair of milkshakes. And are still surprised to learn they sell salads, even after Salma Hayek ordered one. The Adriana Lima Super Bowl ad was apparently for flowers but nobody realized this until several weeks later.

No stranger to Super Bowl nakedness, Go Daddy stripped Danica Patrick and the latest Menudo version of the Pussycat Dolls …

… leaving Bar Refaeli no alternative but to play tennis in her underwear, promoting her new brand and making tennis as interesting as it’s been since Studio 54 was open.

Even M&M’s are getting naked.

More deceptive, using a gorgeous set of fun bags to sell beer. Alcohol impairs, titties can only further cloud judgment. How dare they interfere with our thought process when it comes to purchasing decisions.

After a 12-pack of Bud Light with Lime, you may think you’re going home with Arianny Celeste but in the morning, turns out it’s your boss’s grandmother. Even the cute T-Mobile girl has had to step it up.

This epidemic is not exclusive to the USA.

As it turns out, men like David Beckham also have boobs.

Look no further than Katy Perry, “all in” for Adidas. America’s pop princess had released a Christian music album in 2001 under her real name, Katy Hudson. It failed to chart. Adopting a stage name, an album release in 2005 went nowhere and she was dropped from her contract. New management pivots, re-establishing her image with a sexy, harder edge. Her breakthrough 2008 One of the Boys sells 5 million copies and 2010’s Teenage Dream peaks at number one on the Billboard Hot 100 for six consecutive weeks, selling 5.5 million copies. Holy gazongas!

By far, the worst offender is Kate. Here she is demanding you buy something.

She’s not even trying. “Go get DirecTV, right now.” She could have substituted “Home Depot” and it still works. Why does she have to be at the beach?

It does make me want to buy a new 50′ flat screen. Is that what she was selling?

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