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Better hurricane names

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The National Hurricane Center has announced it will soon modify its naming process for Atlantic Ocean storms, in an effort to increase awareness of the severe risk and danger that a particularly strong hurricane might potentially pack.

Starting in 2012, storms Category 3 or higher will be renamed in the days leading up to landfall, hoping the switch will serve as a more effective alert system to an otherwise undeterred east coast and Gulf region.

The new list was created to combat a growing tendency of coastal residents opting to ride a storm out, safeguard belongs from damage, looting or stay behind to care for pets. Less than reliable forecasts combined with an overly sensational 24-hour news cycle has led to skepticism, needless deaths and countless lives placed in danger.

Regarded as a safety measure, the new names place emphasis on imagery wished to be avoided without necessarily having to think twice, to encourage prompt evacuation.


Since 1953, the NHC has used six lists which rotate, changing only when the name of a devastating hurricane is retired and replaced.

The first tropical storm or hurricane of the year uses a name beginning with “A,” the list continues through “W” and excludes “Q” and “U.

Beginning June 1, 2012, the following names will be put into service, when deemed necessary:

  • Hurricane Ass Rape
  • Hurricane Blowyourdamnhousedown
  • Hurricane Chlamydia
  • Hurricane Drown-you.will.all.drown
  • Hurricane Ex-girlfriend/boyfriend name here
  • Hurricane Felch
  • Hurricane Gigli
  • Hurricane Having to be between Rosie O’Donnell and her pantry
  • Hurricane In-laws Surprise Visit
  • Hurricane Justgetyourassinthecaralready
  • Hurricane Kill Every Last One of You
  • Hurricane Lorena Bobbit, Demon Barber of Fleet Street
  • Hurricane Michael Moore’s Underpants
  • Hurricane No flood insurance? You are so f*cked.
  • Hurricane Oprah Network
  • Hurricane PainWhenYouUrinate
  • Hurricane Rebecca Black Concert Tour
  • Hurricane Scoot
  • Hurricane Tune Into The Weather Channel® For Live 24/7 Updates (*paid endorsement)
  • Hurricane Vamoose
  • Hurricane WeDontKnowWhereThisThingIsGoingOrHowBadItWillBe

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