May 21, 4:09pm … The lines are longer than we expected and nobody is bringing us bottled water.
May 21, 4:26pm … Being told one of the Preakness horses will be joining us, not sure which one.
May 21, 4:43pm … Just asked who my “plus-one” is. Had no idea we could bring a date. Where the fuck is my orientation packet?
May 21, 4:58pm … Yeah, I’m a believer! Don’t believe me? Check out my T-shirt that says “Yeah, I’m a believer!”
May 21, 5:33pm … Still waiting in line, saw psycho ex haven’t spoken to in years. She told me to burn in hell. Seems like yesterday.
May 21, 5:44pm … Okay, we’ve in line for 4 hours and nobody’s ascending. Anyway we can sacrifice a virgin to speed this thing up??
May 21, 5:52pm … Newt Gingrich not in line with us but sent a message denouncing the rapture and another to deny that’s what he said.
Rumor going around that donuts have no calories in Heaven. It’s stuff like this that makes people think we’re crazy. #LiveTweetingTheRapture
— Dirk Dachs (@SoapyJohnson) May 21, 2011
May 21, 6:12pm … Everyone needs a “Rapture Buddy.” I found Mindy from New Zealand. First thing, she says she needs to use the dunny.
May 21, 6:17pm … Starting to ascend now. Either we’re above a farm or someone near me just raptured their pants.
May 21, 6:22pm … Watching the Preakness from up here, that must be the smell. The jockeys look even smaller from up here.
May 21, 6:28pm … Still ascending and Mindy says she’s afraid of heights. Really? You tell me this now?
May 21, 6:31pm … Tiny non- believing ants down there. Little, insignificant marcher ants. In 5 months, your planet is gone, suckers.
May 21, 6:39pm … Ascension slower than they said in the pamphlet. Must be the traffic.
May 21, 6:39pm … 200 million at the same time? I mean, they couldn’t have staggered this out???
May 21, 6:56pm … Mindy needed a rest area but just decided to let it fly. Sorry, Ohio.
May 21, 7:01pm … Okay, we get it with the Anita Baker “Caught up in the Rapture” song on endless loop. You’re killing me.
May 21, 7:12pm … Almost to Heaven and my ass is caught on something. Disciples tugging my arms, not gentle. This’ll hurt tomorrow.
May 21, 7:23pm … Finally a Harold Camping sighting. Not ascending, he’s walking up a stairway he built with stacks of $10 bills …
May 21, 7:33pm … At the gates of Heaven. There’s a really awesome food court here but none of us have any cash.
May 21, 7:53pm … In Heaven, another freaking line. All I want to do is play bingo. Should have raptured yesterday to avoid crowds.
May 21, 8:45pm … Greeted by Fred Astaire. Looks just like he did in Poseidon Adventure. He says hated the remake.
May 21, 8:45pm … Wow, he really hated it. Won’t stop talking about. Okay, Fred we get. Sorry I brought it up.
May 21, 8:46pm … BTW says hello, tells me he was in Towering Inferno, I’m thinking of Jack Albertson & for all on Earth to enjoy the last 5 months.
May 21, 9:13pm … Message from God on Bose® sound system. Winner of 50/50 raffle gets to watch Earth annihilated from his luxury box!!
May 21, 9:38pm … Found the machine in Heaven that gives chocolate and orgasms, just like they said. Chocolate so-so but the rest, WOW
May 21, 9:49pm … Strangest celebrity sighting in Heaven so far? Seeing Linda Lovelace here, especially on Ben Franklin’s lap.
May 21, 10:04pm … Old guy playing the harp tells me to beat it. “They catch me talking to you, they’ll whip me again.” Saw the scars.
May 21, 10:19pm … People here prior to today saying Heaven blows, it’s turned into Disneyland. Surprised at all the product placement.
May 21, 10:19pm … One corporate tie-in has the Coors Light frost-brewed train rolling in whenever someone sings that Love Train song
May 21, 10:30pm … In Heaven, when you order a Shirley Temple, she serves it. I told her she’s still alive and she winked, she knows.
May 21, 10:50pm … Watching Mavs game with Mickey Mantle. He’s drunk, pulling for OK because “Dirk’s a Kraut.” He said it, I didn’t.
— Dirk Dachs (@SoapyJohnson) May 22, 2011
May 21, 11:32pm … Getting ugly up here. Nobody knows what to do. If Stalin were here, say what you will but he could organize a crowd.
May 21, 11:38pm … St. Peter admits a mistake having all 200 million of us come at same time. They’re firing tear gas. This is a mess.
May 21, 11:46pm … Racism in Heaven! Oh my. They just announced: “We need the blacks in this line and the whites in this line.” Wow.
May 21, 11:53pm … These guys are rough. Don’t tase me, St. Bro! Headed back to Earth. Mama Cass wants to come. Descending. This sucked.
May 22, 12:43pm … Good to be back. Heaven was a nightmare. Can’t imagine what Hell must be like but I’m sure the lines are shorter.
I’d like to thank Harold Camping for allowing me to reuse all my May 21st jokes again on October 21st — Dirk Dachs (@SoapyJohnson) May 27, 2011
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