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Random Products

Harley Quinn Pint Glass

Harley Quinn Pint Glass
$12.95
This Harley Quinn pint glass holds 16 ounces of your favorite beverage and is sure to be a hit at ...

LED Ladder Toss

LED Ladder Toss
$49.99
Now your summer fun can continue even after the sun has set, with our LED Ladder Toss! It is lit ...

Dog Waste Vacuum

Dog Waste Vacuum
$99.99
If you love dogs but hate scooping up behind them, check out the cordless rechargeable Dog Waste Vacuum. Its powerful ...

#Live Tweeting The Rapture

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May 21, 4:09pm … The lines are longer than we expected and nobody is bringing us bottled water.

May 21, 4:26pm … Being told one of the Preakness horses will be joining us, not sure which one.

May 21, 4:43pm … Just asked who my “plus-one” is. Had no idea we could bring a date. Where the fuck is my orientation packet?

May 21, 4:58pm … Yeah, I’m a believer! Don’t believe me? Check out my T-shirt that says “Yeah, I’m a believer!” 


May 21, 5:13pm … Fingers are crossed for a Beatles reunion concert tonight. Hope Paul and Ringo are believers too!!

May 21, 5:25pm … I see all the people looting and wonder if I made the right choice. I could really use a new flat-screen.

May 21, 5:33pm … Still waiting in line, saw psycho ex haven’t spoken to in years. She told me to burn in hell. Seems like yesterday.

May 21, 5:44pm … Okay, we’ve in line for 4 hours and nobody’s ascending. Anyway we can sacrifice a virgin to speed this thing up??

May 21, 5:52pm … Newt Gingrich not in line with us but sent a message denouncing the rapture and another to deny that’s what he said.

May 21, 6:12pm … Everyone needs a “Rapture Buddy.” I found Mindy from New Zealand. First thing, she says she needs to use the dunny.

May 21, 6:17pm … Starting to ascend now. Either we’re above a farm or someone near me just raptured their pants.

May 21, 6:22pm … Watching the Preakness from up here, that must be the smell. The jockeys look even smaller from up here.

May 21, 6:28pm … Still ascending and Mindy says she’s afraid of heights. Really? You tell me this now?

May 21, 6:31pm … Tiny non- believing ants down there. Little, insignificant marcher ants. In 5 months, your planet is gone, suckers.

May 21, 6:39pm … Ascension slower than they said in the pamphlet. Must be the traffic.

May 21, 6:39pm … 200 million at the same time? I mean, they couldn’t have staggered this out???

May 21, 6:51pm … Ascending at a good clip now. FINALLY. Making great time. Reading this and LMAO: http://wp.me/pYaGr-1sA

May 21, 6:56pm … Mindy needed a rest area but just decided to let it fly. Sorry, Ohio.

May 21, 7:01pm … Okay, we get it with the Anita Baker “Caught up in the Rapture” song on endless loop. You’re killing me.

May 21, 7:08pm … Nice!!! Wish I was there but I’m ascending to Heaven. RT @hansolson My view from ringside at the Bell Centre http://twitpic.com/50rn27

May 21, 7:12pm … Almost to Heaven and my ass is caught on something. Disciples tugging my arms, not gentle. This’ll hurt tomorrow.

May 21, 7:23pm … Finally a Harold Camping sighting. Not ascending, he’s walking up a stairway he built with stacks of $10 bills …

May 21, 7:33pm … At the gates of Heaven. There’s a really awesome food court here but none of us have any cash.  

May 21, 7:53pm … In Heaven, another freaking line. All I want to do is play bingo. Should have raptured yesterday to avoid crowds.

May 21, 8:06pm … Heaven policy that I wear a jacket & tie. Like I know this? This isn’t the 21 Club, it’s not 1957. #writingaletter

May 21, 8:34pm … Someone said TV’s @andylevy was here. Can’t find Mindy either. She’s been a pretty horrible Rapture Buddy

May 21, 8:45pm … Greeted by Fred Astaire. Looks just like he did in Poseidon Adventure. He says hated the remake.

May 21, 8:45pm … Wow, he really hated it. Won’t stop talking about. Okay, Fred we get. Sorry I brought it up.

May 21, 8:46pm … BTW says hello, tells me he was in Towering Inferno, I’m thinking of Jack Albertson & for all on Earth to enjoy the last 5 months.

May 21, 9:13pm … Message from God on Bose® sound system. Winner of 50/50 raffle gets to watch Earth annihilated from his luxury box!!

May 21, 9:38pm … Found the machine in Heaven that gives chocolate and orgasms, just like they said. Chocolate so-so but the rest, WOW

May 21, 9:49pm … Strangest celebrity sighting in Heaven so far? Seeing Linda Lovelace here, especially on Ben Franklin’s lap.

May 21, 10:04pm … Old guy playing the harp tells me to beat it. “They catch me talking to you, they’ll whip me again.” Saw the scars.

May 21, 10:19pm … People here prior to today saying Heaven blows, it’s turned into Disneyland. Surprised at all the product placement.

May 21, 10:19pm … One corporate tie-in has the Coors Light frost-brewed train rolling in whenever someone sings that Love Train song

May 21, 10:30pm … In Heaven, when you order a Shirley Temple, she serves it. I told her she’s still alive and she winked, she knows.

May 21, 10:50pm … Watching Mavs game with Mickey Mantle. He’s drunk, pulling for OK because “Dirk’s a Kraut.” He said it, I didn’t.

May 21, 11:15pm … Shouldn’t have mentioned the tacos. More asking about it. Having them read this to buy time: http://wp.me/pYaGr-1sA

May 21, 11:32pm … Getting ugly up here. Nobody knows what to do. If Stalin were here, say what you will but he could organize a crowd.

May 21, 11:38pm … St. Peter admits a mistake having all 200 million of us come at same time. They’re firing tear gas. This is a mess.

May 21, 11:46pm … Racism in Heaven! Oh my. They just announced: “We need the blacks in this line and the whites in this line.” Wow.

May 21, 11:51pm … They’re throwing me out, saying I caused it. Unbelievable. I only mentioned @TacoBell 12 taco box for $10 special.

May 21, 11:53pm … These guys are rough. Don’t tase me, St. Bro! Headed back to Earth. Mama Cass wants to come. Descending. This sucked.

May 22, 12:43pm … Good to be back. Heaven was a nightmare. Can’t imagine what Hell must be like but I’m sure the lines are shorter.

More from “THE TWITTER COLLECTION …”

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