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I don’t have time to ask nicely!

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**All Jack Bauer dialogue authentic and unedited, from the Fox series “24.”

[Fox Studios, Culver City. Noon. Female secretary sitting at desk. Jack Bauer storms in with purpose.]

Sir, you can’t go in there.

“You don’t want to make me do this.”

He’s not in his office, he’s on his way to a meeting.

“You tell me what you know or I promise you this will become very unpleasant.”

It’s a 12:30 lunch downtown. He left 10 minutes ago.

“You want to lie to yourself, go ahead! But stop lying to me!”

He should be back around 2. You’re welcome to have a seat and wait.

“I know you’re lying! Tell me the truth!”

bauerWhy don’t I call him for you? Who should I say is …?

“If you trust me, I’ll get you through this alive.”

Sir, put the gun away. Take a seat and —

“You will experience a pain I can’t even describe.”

We have a nice selection of magazines, while you wait. Or you can come back later.

“Trust me, you do not want to go down this road with me.”

Would you care for a bottle of water or a cup of coffee?

[Inside the dark office, the muffled sound of a single gunshot is heard in the next room. Bauer kicks open the door and notices the office chair moves slightly. He approaches.]

“Right here, right now, you are going to face justice! And make no mistake about this—this is personal. And if you think for a second that I am scared to put a bullet in your brain…you don’t know me.”

[The chair turns, revealing a Fox programming executive.]

Jack Bauer. I’ve been expecting you.

“You are going to tell me everything I want to know or I swear to God I will hurt you before I kill you, and no one will be able to stop me.”

What can I do for you, Jack?

“Tell me where the device is!”

There is no device. It’s over, Jack. What did you do to Miss Wilkins?

“I shot her above the kneecap! She can still walk! You make me shoot her again, she’ll be in a wheelchair the rest of her life.”

Quite unnecessary. What’s that, a cigar cutter? Really, Jack.

“You’re gonna tell me what I want to know or you’re going to start losing your fingers one by one.”

Put it away. I’m glad we’re able to finally talk. Do you know how many minutes there are in a day, Jack?

“I am going to ask you one last time. Who are your co-conspirators? You have until the count of three, or I will kill you.”

That’s good stuff, Jack. Save it for what I have to tell you. You still owe us.

“Stop wasting my time! Give me a name!”

We’re just having a conversation, you can start by asking nicely.

“I don’t have time to ask nicely!”

You have more time than you realize. There are 1440 minutes in a day, Jack. Do you understand what that means?

“You’re delusional.”

Let go of me, Bauer.

[Jack punches the exec, throwing him against the wall. The exec lands hard on the floor and wipes blood from the corner of his mouth.]

“By the time I’m finished with you, you’re gonna wish you felt this good again.”

You still owe us some time, Jack. You like revenge stories, don’t you?

“I don’t want revenge, I want justice.”

Here’s your chance. Let me give it to you straight. What do you know about commercial breaks?

“So help me God I will kill you, and you will stay dead this time.”

Hear me out. Due to commercials, a season of “24” averages just under 1100 minutes, leaving a little over 5 1/2 hours unaccounted for each season. In those 5 1/2 hours, where were you? What were you doing?

“What I deemed necessary to protect innocent lives. I don’t expect you to understand.”

Those eight seasons on DVD total 8681 minutes, which is 2839 minutes of commercials. By these numbers, Jack, you owe us 47 hours, 19 minutes — nearly two full seasons.

“The people that I deal with, they don’t care about your rules. All they care about is results. My job is to stop them from accomplishing their objectives.”

Your job is to make up 47 hours and 19 minutes!

“I am more than willing to be judged by the people you claim to represent. I will let them decide what price I should pay. But please, do not sit there with that smug look on your face and expect me to regret the decisions I have made. Because sir, the truth is … I don’t.”

* * * *              * * * *              * * * *               * * * *              * * * *               * * * *

Demand Jack Bauer settles up!! Join Jack Bauer owes us 47 minutes, 19 minutes on Facebook and if you’re waiting for another invite, remember …

“I have killed two people since midnight, I haven’t slept in over 24 hours. So maybe … maybe you should be a little more afraid of me than you are right now.”

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© 2011 – 2014, Soapy Johnson. All rights reserved.

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