RIP, Elizabeth Taylor. This can’t be forgotten: early-1960’s Liz was the George Washington of Mount Babemore. Total package.
— Bill Simmons (@sportsguy33) March 23, 2011
Some called her “the last movie star,” certainly from a different era. One thing for certain, Elizabeth Taylor was born at the right time. Hard to believe her passing didn’t generate a more sizable news event. So many larger distractions, not enough pause to pay due respect. It’s certainly not as if there hasn’t been time to prepare the story, some outlets clearly had been for years and the coverage showed. We were all too prepared.
If you’ve never seen Cat on a Hot Tin Roof or BUtterfield 8, check them out immediately to see what a woman is supposed to look like. Gadzooks, Mount Babemore is right. Add the ability to throw it back as tough and hard as Richard Burton in Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? and it’s easy to see why that relationship was such a voyage.
Her violet eyes certainly didn’t need to see nude photographs of herself as a 24-year old leaked on the internet, well, actually it was her intention to have them released after she died. Forget I brought it up. Elizabeth did well not knowing the Westboro Baptist Church planned to protest her funeral, for the “sin” of supporting AIDS charities. The protest never materialized — the bad public relations behind the idea was only outweighed by the bad public relations of being universally admonished by all mankind — making the Westboro Baptist Church the one thing everyone can seemingly agree on.
She also didn’t need to see an NCAA title game about as enjoyable as the trailer for Arthur, a film that looks to be as funny as an accidental colonoscopy. The original Arthur shined because Dudley Moore was a loveable mess, which Russell Brand is not. Dudley Moore was a comic genius, which Russell Brand is not. I can’t speak on behalf of her estate but I’m sure Elizabeth would recommend renting the original and would avoid the remake like a ninth marriage.
Maggie the Cat also didn’t need her inbox filled with alerts that Epsilon had been hacked and its worldwide customer email list had been compromised. Be on the alert for spam and phishing scams, the emails read. “In all likelihood, this will not impact you” — which, in all likelihood, usually means it will.
Tivo, Marriott, Kroger, Walgreen’s, Disney Destinations, Target, Ritz Carlton, Chase, Capital One — if you’ve ever purchased anything or stepped foot outdoors, there’s a good chance your email address was accessed. I’m already being reminded of an ATM card overseas that has a balance of $4.3 million and this apparently slipped my mind. They just need me to prove my identity in order to — hey, wait a second.
In mathematics, epsilon is “an arbitrarily small quantity, used to indicate that a given quantity is close to zero.” In cyberspace terms, Epsilon sends 40 billion emails a year on behalf of its clients. Epsilon is the fifth letter of the Greek alphabet. Of course, the sixth letter of the Roman alphabet is “F,” which is being used in words that most of you are thinking right now.
Spreading foam on the runway, only to crash this premise on the tarmac, the fourth letter of the Greek alphabet is Delta — which charges $25 for the first checked bag and $35 for the second. “Bags Fly Free®” at Southwest Airlines, plus we’ve recently learned many of their planes have sunroofs. Better than snakes on a plane — or one loose in New York City.
She didn’t need to witness both sides bicker and grandstand against the looming threat of a government shutdown — an effective close of most federal business (that would never actually happen) — before settling on $38.5 billion in cuts. This year, we’re spending $1.5 trillion we don’t have, so this is roughly the equivalent savings of not ordering a side of hash browns with last Thursday’s McMuffin. We slip another $38.5 billion underwater every 9.3 days, on average — $54.1 billion in the eight days preceding the deal. This was hardly worth the rhetoric.
Shutdown averted!! A victory for all non-essential government workers!! A recent study found that members of Congress spend about 27 percent of the time just taunting each other — triple that in the days leading up to the deadline. The tone seemed to suggest Republicans were the more enthusiastic in their passion to kill people. The Commander-in-Chief of the United States of America promised to veto a budget measure that would ensure the troops were paid through September.
As admired a humanitarian as Elizabeth Taylor was, her support for the troops — whether through personal correspondence, frequent hospital visits or entertaining the soldiers– was something she felt very strongly about. She’s in a better place not knowing this actually happened, in the name of politics.
It’s become such a touchy world, it’s apparently very difficult to find a replacement for the AFLAC duck. (It’s a one-word audition).
Looking for his old job back, Charlie Sheen kicks off his Violent Torpedo of Truth tour and manages to get booed just being himself. Bombing city after city, sending the tour to Benghazi may prove militarily advantageous, considering we’ve spent $600 billion so far in Libya and are apparently fighting both sides. From a NATO standpoint, this increases our chances of #winning.
It’s a country where Cap’n Crunch cereal will be harder to find and Donald Trump runs for president; a world where an idiot in Florida burns the Koran and 20 people die in Afghanistan but if an idiot in Afghanistan burned the Bible, nobody in Gainesville uses that as an excuse to kill 20 people; a time to reflect on what it was like to fill your gas tank for less than $100 and know the air traffic controllers landing your plane have waited until after their shift to take a nap; an entertainment universe that produces a shocking American Idol elimination, leading Rolling Stone magazine to suggest the world is ending because Pia Toscano was voted off. It must be the radiation cloudcoming from Japan.
Elizabeth Taylor didn’t need any part of this.
>> Follow: @SoapyJohnson on Twitter.
>> Comment: Place it on Lucky Dan on Facebook.
© 2011 – 2012, Soapy Johnson. All rights reserved.