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Congressman closes the book on Charlie

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Q.  Did you see the Representative from New York posing with his shirt off for some chick on Craigslist? What is it with these people?

Lord have mercy, the stupidity and arrogance is overwhelming. What congressman trolls Craigslist to start with? Make a call and they deliver whores to your office.

A.  What part [his penis] of Brett Favre has not taught all human beings with access to a cellphone that texting compromising photos to people you barely know is NOT the same as saying, “I’d like to get to know you better.”

Visual contact in a conversation = a good start.

Saying he was a 39-year old divorced lobbyist when he’s really 46 and a married congressman, sorry, I disagree — that’s A-level Craigslist material. Chris Lee resigned so fast there must have been something more to this. At least he photographed himself above the cockline, if there’s a silver lining to be had.


This crosses party lines … Clinton of course, takes the cake, but it’s everybody and the list is LONG. What is about these idiots? You mentioned Favre and he’s up there with dumbest, but at least he’s not a representative who thinks he’s invisible and impervious. I can barely look at porn without thinking the Feds are going to bust down the door, let alone take pictures of myself or leave voicemails/emails for some total stranger online. It’s a level of megalomania I can’t even concede.

The difference is he’s Republican so he resigned quickly, it’s a four-hour scandal and there wasn’t time enough for his ass to hit the door on the way out. An affair adds to a Democrat’s persona: “he works hard, he deserves it.” A Republican is a hypocrite who should know better. For the most part, a Democrat can fight it, take a slap on the wrist and eventually it goes away — play from a variety of victim cards, just set the process in motion where the unpleasantry can be put in the rear-view mirror, preferably with the vehicle still above water.
Yet another GOP sex scandal with no actual sex. If that doesn’t tell you you’re doing it wrong, nothing does. 2006: Mark Foley sends a series of graphic texts to a male page; 2007: Idaho senator Larry Craig tap-dances homosexual Morse code in an airport toilet stall; 2011: Congressman Bowflex thinks he’s in the Funky Bunch. Idiots across the board but would it kill one of them to stick their dick in something?
James McGreevey, David A. Paterson, John Edwards, Tim Mahoney, Gary Condit, Eliot Spitzer, Kwame Kilpatrick, Gavin Newsom, Antonio Villaraigosa, Paul Patton — these guys know how to do it. If it wasn’t for Mark Sanford, Rudy Giuliani and Newt Gingrich, we’d wonder if anyone on the right knew how to have an affair. Your thing goes in that other thing, not very difficult to figure out.

So this guy gives up a $174,000 job, his wife, family and the integrity of not only himself, but those who voted for him — and for what? A Craigslist date online? WTF? Take a note from Charlie Sheen and discreetly PAY for it. Okay, Sheen missed the memo about being discreet. Chaperone anyone?

Sheen didn’t miss the memo, he took the ball and ran in the opposite end zone.

In Charlie’s world, it’s become less a matter of what you’re doing at this exact moment, it’s wondering if the spot you’re standing on would be a good place for your body to be discovered. He wants $3 million an episode to return to Two and a Half Men and sorry, but, that just sounds like someone who’s still on drugs. If he’s clean, that’s wonderful, although I worry what all that added supply does to the price of cocaine. If he’s still using, I hate to kick a guy when he’s down but tell me again when he’s ever up?

Charlie Sheen: two nostrils and a penis. He’s become a rich-man’s Gary Busey, he’s “Arthur.” Forget Russell Brand, where was Charlie when casting this shitty Arthur remake? Instant blockbuster!! #sheenius #tigerblood #winning. Just look how fast the catchphrases are becoming worn out — cool, the first week or two. Now? “What’chu talkin’ ’bout, Willis?

I didn’t know he was still married all this time. I don’t know how it is at your house but my wife isn’t going to let me go to a tropical island with a porn star, with or without her. And that’s why I married her — I’d get into all kinds of trouble if she wasn’t around.

The guy is on a death march. The money won’t last forever, not the way he spends it: $120,000 a month in alimony, not to mention agents, managers, hookers and coke. He’s not going broke soon, but add two houses in his gated community for his ex-wives at $2 million apiece. Tyson and MC Hammer burned through $150 million pretty quick.

Multiply $120K by 12 months and you get $1.44 million. Add the reported $500K he spends a year on coke and whores and that’s only one episode of salary. That still leaves $36 million before taxes and Hanes residuals. Sounds like a plan to me. California and Federal taxes, 46%; Agent, 15%; Manager 10%; Public relations: 10%, but deserves more — that still leaves about $9 million laying around and everything you own should be paid for. Add syndication and sit back, relax. He can’t continue to burn it at the same pace but maybe losing the paycheck is the best thing that ever happens to him.

Feel bad for Jon Cryer losing his meal ticket but more for the crew — the little people who DON’T make $2mil a week and depend on steady work. I don’t know if there’s been an apology to them but if it happened, it wasn’t loud enough.

I was thinking about that too, but that’s the Biz. Shows get canceled all the time. They’ve had a hell of a run. It’s the toughest business in the world — you can’t make a living, only a killing. If you’re smart, you’ll leave the casino before it bleeds you dry and figure out a number-counting program before you ever come back. Egos are the stars, and with that come some mercurial moments … You hear about Martin comparing Charlie’s sickness to cancer? Nice.

Charlie looks like Martin Sheen’s dad, that’s how you know seven-gram cocaine rocks are bad for you.

Imagine: Martin still playing the president on The West Wing and he has to answer questions about the first son covered in powder, trashing a hotel room and locking a porn star in the closet.

Obviously, this is beyond a simple parental clamp-down, monitoring the boy while the power of thought cures a warlock into sobriety. For Martin and Janet Sheen, who’ll celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary later this year — a rarity, especially in Hollywood — this is way past staging an intervention.

Martin Sheen, a former alcoholic who’s been sober for more than 20 years, might need to start weighing the advantages of an honor killing.

Every E! True Hollywood Story has a sad Act II. Like when the LAPD comes to your house and suddenly a “briefcase of cocaine” is actually a briefcase of fucking cocaine! Winning turns to losing. Moral of the story? Don’t go after the studio for $100 million.
Same at the Plaza Hotel — the cops enter the premises, see him dredged in flour and deep fried in prostitution yet never address it. Money, thus the ability to fix things. “College fund, anyone?”

Charlie Sheen doesn’t do cocaine. Cocaine does Charlie Sheen. They find me with a half gram of cornstarch or just looking at a prostitute, I’m on the 5 o’clock news in hand cuffs.

Money, thus the lack thereof.

The media uses Charlie for amusement. Charlie uses the media to spread his brand but that shit is losing steam fast. Could anyone with an “Adonis DNA” T-shirt actually motivate you to speak with them at this point?

It’ll continue as long as he’s valuable and eventually someone else replaces him. We’ll lose interest, he’ll fade out of the spotlight and either clean himself up or die. Then we wait. Mickey Rourke eventually will do something. Christina Aguilera may tour Napa and drink the valley dry; Rip Torn will need to use the ATM; Billy Joel has to get home.

Anything else on Charlie so we can close the book on him?

He wants his old job back. It’ll never happen, he’s pathetic. He’s in a manic depressive mindset where present day logic ceases to exist, a time when he still had most of his teeth.

Who’s the troll now? CBS says no meetings have taken place and made clear there was no chance he returns to the show. Charlie says there’s an 85% chance it’s a done deal. He’s saying this on the “Violent Torpedo of Truth” tour, for added irony. When you’re bombing on stage and the audience isn’t liking you — not a character you’re playing — you give the people what they want. In this case, Charlie Harper.

It’s the story of guy who broke up with a hot, mega-rich supermodel and even though the relationship ended horribly, he’s still convinced he can have sex with her, if only she’d talk to him again.

This is how you know Charlie’s a Democrat. If he was a Republican, he would have resigned months ago and we’d already have a new Charlie.

That may happen sooner than you think but if you want to lay Charlie to rest now, I won’t breathe a word of him ever again, or until he dies.

Sounds good. Talk to you in August.

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