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Charlie Sheen not winning Haley

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Winning. [win-ing] –noun, the act of a person or thing that wins.

#winning. [win-ing] –noun, celebrity drug addict publicly imploding for our entertainment pleasure.

#notwinning. [not win-ing] –noun, the act of said 45-year old celebrity setting his “BONAR” (as they say in the SEALs) on the girl who plays 16-year old Haley Dunphy on ABC’s Modern Family.

While actress Sarah Hyland is an unexpected 20 years old — and will forever be asked to show ID — based on any and every thing that’s come out of Charlie Sheen’s head-hole over the past seven days, can anyone truly assess whether he knows this or even cares at this point? When Sarah’s Modern Family character recently got her driver’s license, was that enough of a trigger to set a warlock gorging into overdrive? I’m asking — I don’t know how #tigerblood works.


Or Charlie’s fully aware — crazy like a fox — but “wait, can’t process it; winning.”

Sheen scored a Guinness World Record on Thursday for fastest person to a million Twitter followers [25 hours, 17 minutes]. Most of us would admit we did this in exchange for the free presentation of a train-involved collision otherwise known as a Hollywood career.

Why wait for news to filter the story or hear it secondhand when you can watch the fec-storm directly from the source, with updates the moment they hit the fan. Then sit back and enjoy the ride.

Granted, it’s been legendary. The epitaph material churned out during this series of media appearances and social netmarketing has been ill-advised [literally, his longtime publicist San Rosenfield quit midstream], but it’s colored the language like a bag of troll-house zombie chow. The randomness of thought and the need to air the breakdown in public — really, it’s all anyone’s guess. Who knows what the process is from day to day? Certainly not the trolls.

It’s logical to suggest Sheen’s interest in Hyland wasn’t professional — nothing wrong with that, she’s an attractive girl of legal age. Seeing as Charlie would seemingly be unable to snort her, the only motivating arrow left in the Sheen quiver would deem this follow more of the “Goddess” variety. And in the world where Charlie resides, the thought exists where if you want something, you can have it delivered and probably within the hour. This is how Kacey Jordan said it went down — this is what rock stars from Mars do.

This leads us to early Thursday, March 3; Sober Valley Lodge. Charlie Sheen on Twitter and presumably high doses of chocolate milk, begins following other people. Of the original 15 he selects, Charlie knew all but Hyland personally. This hits her out of left field, like that clammy feeling you get when — oh why me tell it? Here’s Sarah upon learning she made Sheen’s “cabinet” …

Sarah_Hyland  FYI, I’ve never met @charliesheen in my LIFE, and he’s following me now?” Really creeped out. Ew. #notwinning

#notwinning indeed, by exact definition.

She’s since removed the Tweet after harassment from Sheen fans. The lesson being: “a celebrity meltdown like this doesn’t happen very often, Miss Hyland, and throwing any sort of cold water at this crucial moment of the wreckage might disrupt the steady drip of crazy we’ve become glued to. This is cool to watch so please stop rocking the boat.” I’m sure it was phrased exactly like that, but in 140 or fewer characters.

Sheen unfollowed Hyland later that same morning and it was at that moment we could begin the process of putting this madness to rest.

Over 2 million followers now and there’s no slowing the train. We’ve learned Sheen isn’t writing his Tweets (he dictates to a service) and is now endorsed to Tweet. Suddenly #winning doesn’t seem to mean what it might have just a few short days ago.

Fired on Monday from Two and a Half Men — one of the best paying jobs anywhere, not just TV — playing a role that’s a PG version of himself, not far outside the box, and barely testing himself as an actor.

And he blew it.

Charlie calls this winning. First day on Twitter, he adds a hashtag and changes the definition of the word.

SEE ALSO: Dirty Jobs: Charlie Sheen’s publicist

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© 2011 – 2014, Soapy Johnson. All rights reserved.

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