Barry Bonds has a head so large, Barry Bonds can barely fit inside it.
Is it any wonder he played for the Giants? When Bonds throws his hat in the ring, people are at risk of injury.
Lifting his cap off the ground, legend has it, ticket holders for the Cirque Du Soleil performance being held under that spacious big top were advised the show had been moved to Cow Palace.
This man’s head is so enormous, it exceeds the size of this frame. This is not clever Photoshop, the thing legitimately will not fit. How it became so large is anyone’s guess — I’m thinking steroids. The Grand Jury will ultimately decide.
On trial for perjury, Bonds and his head pleaded not guilty to lying about using performance-enhancing drugs and face a maximum of 30 years in prison, if convicted. Gamingtoday.com thinks Bonds will beat the rap but ultimately did not comment about the defendant’s oversized noggin. Federal prosecutors have dropped the number of charges from 11 to five, leading experts to suggest they’re having trouble building the case.
Small victory for the Bonds camp, the weight of the punishment did not change — so little has been done to reduce the swelling.
Whether Bonds is convicted or not, honesty is hardly ever heard. And mostly what I need from you, Barry.
Everyone needs to tip-toe around it — a roughly 20-year slice of Major League Baseball history is known as “the steroid era” and we shouldn’t we call it what it is? By this same logic, Rose McGowan unveils her latest face and we’re supposed to pretend it’s the same one she had before? We’re not idiots. It looks messed up, Rose, you went too far — and same with the record books. Thanks guys, much appreciated.
Everyone is so untrue. When Jose Canseco becomes the great oracle of certitude, you know the game is flipped.
Roger Maris: 61 home runs in a single season. Henry Aaron: 755 career home runs — records since broken by men who, when pressed, suddenly have no idea what they put in their bodies. Bonds, who broke both these cherished records, testified that he thought he was taking flax seed oil.
“Wow, OMG, flax seed oil!! Hit another 3 homers today! Awesome!! Can’t believe I’m hitting so many. Every player should do what I’m doing because it’s perfectly legal!”
In a non-doping reality, the records of Maris and Aaron have never been broken. A game which threatened “61” with “61-asterisk*” because Maris used 162 games vs. Babe Ruth’s 60 in 154 (the schedule length at the time), now shamefully boasts this as the seventh-highest single-season total. Challenged most recently in 2006 in only his second full season, Ryan Howard’s 58 HRs are in no way bestowed proper recognition, an impressive reality overshadowed by complete fantasy.
Most all involved in the Bonds indictment and BALCO investigation have done time, no reason to stop short of Barry or quit pulling the thread.
It’s fraud — enabled by MLB, seeking to resurrect fans after the 1994 strike. Chicks dig the long ball, we get it — we overpaid for a false product. Names like Ruth, Mantle, Mays, Foxx, Kiner replaced with Albert Belle, Greg Vaughn, Andruw Jones.
To better understand mortality, 50 home runs in a season is a pretty big deal. Aaron hit 755 career but never 50 in a single year. Ruth slugged 54 in 1920 on a purely Adam Richman diet. The feat is only reached 17 times in the next 74 years, at which point it’s brutally gang-raped and left in a drainage ditch near a service road.
Like Aaron passing Ruth’s 714 career mark, Maris goes through hell on his way to 61 in ’61. For nearly 35 years, only three players — Willie Mays, George Foster and Cecil Fielder — top 50 HRs.
Baseball strikes in 1994 and the World Series is canceled. All of a sudden, the once elusive 50-homer club is crashed 26 times in the next 13 seasons, but not since 2007 — the year Bonds is indicted.
Even more exclusive, 60 HRs a season: Ruth in 1927, then Maris. Ruth changed the game and it still took 34 years for someone to top him. It takes another 37 years to pass Maris, when it’s done SIX TIMES between 1998 and 2001. Must be the flax!
Along the way, Bret Boone goes from light-hitting table-setter to — not only Seattle’s unexpected power source — batting clean-up for the American League in the 2001 All-Star game. No more ridiculous a lightning rod to sobriety, well, maybe Brady Anderson: 50 home runs by a lead-off hitter with only 72 total in his nine previous seasons combined. A previous season high of 21, Anderson went from a homer every 46 at bats to one every 11.5.
All I want is someone to believe.
The Mitchell Report lists All-Stars and journeymen, pitchers and hitters, many who’ve admitted to cheating and those who continue to bathe us in arrogance.
Bonds never bothered with 50 or 60, vaulting from a career high 49 in 2000 to a record-setting 73 the following year. In response to the perceived magic that was the Summer of 1998, the head averaged over 51.6 HRs for five seasons while sitting out nearly 12% of games the Giants played.
And sure, load up on whatever substance you want, you still need to physically hit all these home runs against pitchers who are trying to get you out. The additives don’t make you limitless, they’re designed to repair a body from injury — allowing good players to stay in the game; great players to become exceptional and exceptional players, like Bonds, to be superhuman.
Alex Rodriquez was supposed to fix all this. A legitimate, all-natural ARod hits 800 and it’s forgotten what happened to the record books. Invasion of the Body Snatchers, they got Alex too.
Bonds will likely escape punishment and Canseco believes the trial is a complete waste of taxpayer dollars. Meanwhile, MLB prohibits all-time hits champ Pete Rose from Hall of Fame eligibility for what he did as a manager, while it’s impossible to suggest his numbers as a player aren’t 100% genuine.
In retrospect, McGwire was bright to plead the 5th in front of Congress. He still won’t go to Cooperstown but he knew when to check his bravado. Clemens — indicted on six felony counts involving perjury, false statements and obstruction of Congress; scheduled to go to trial in July — and Bonds, still bankrupt of honesty.
If you look for truthfulness, you might just as well be blind.
When they say Barry Bonds has a good head on his shoulders, they’re really complementing his shoulders. That said, there’s still opportunity for a bigger man to emerge.
© 2011 – 2013, Soapy Johnson. All rights reserved.