According to a NASA photograph taken Feb. 1, it will not be sunny today in any portion of the United States, making Punxsutawney Phil’s work relatively easy.
The good news is that folklore suggests winter will end soon. The bad news is the snow accumulation from this storm won’t fully melt until mid-July. The even badder news is that Stormfax.com calculates that Phil is only correct 39% of the time, which is about the same amount of beef that’s in Taco Bell’s “Taco Meat Filling.” The remainder of the time, “fill” is:
water, isolated oat product, salt, chili pepper, onion powder, tomato powder, oats (wheat), soy lecithin, sugar, spices, maltodextrin (a polysaccharide that is absorbed as glucose), soybean oil (anti-dusting agent), garlic powder, autolyzed yeast extract, citric acid, caramel color, cocoa powder, silicon dioxide (anti-caking agent), natural flavors, yeast, modified corn starch, natural smoke flavor, salt, sodium phosphate, less than 2% of beef broth, potassium phosphate, and potassium lactate.
If lieu of actual on-the-scene reporting, one can only use speculation and myth to theorize the events at Gobbler’s Knob or simply create wild assumptions in place of tested science-based predictions — such as removing a groundhog from its burrow in order to ascertain weather trends and patterns proven wrong 60% of the time. With this benchmark as a guide, it is hereby foretold this Groundhog Day …
Punxsutawney Phil accidentally shoots self in thigh at nightclub, predicts 20 more months of prison with good behavior.
Punxsutawney Phil fails to see shadow due to proximity of Kim Kardashian in relation to the sun, anticipates early spring.
Punxsutawney Phil predicts Natalie Portman will win Best Actress for her portrayal in “Black Swan” despite having not seen the film.
Punxsutawney Phil caught texting pictures of his woodchuck to Jets sideline reporter, predicts 5 or 6 more inches of something.
Punxsutawney Phil sues Capitol Hill cafeteria after olive pit splits his tooth, settles for an undisclosed number of weeks left of winter.
Punxsutawney Phil up late at Charlie Sheen’s house. Was not aware of today’s significance.
Taco Meat Filling does not sit well. The part of “Punxsutawney Phil” will be played today by the marmot understudy.
Phil files sexual harassment lawsuit against two Punxsutawney council members, who claim it was consensual. Winter to end as trial begins.
Punxsutawney Phil still confused by Inception. Thinks spring in 6 weeks is a dream within a dream within a dream.
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