Thursday April 27th 2017

Search Store

Random Products

Classical Music Masterpieces

Classical Music Masterpieces
$99.99
Imagine finding all of the world's greatest classical music in one compact set! From romantic and relaxing to somber ...

Harley Quinn Pint Glass

Harley Quinn Pint Glass
$12.95
This Harley Quinn pint glass holds 16 ounces of your favorite beverage and is sure to be a hit at ...

RC Spy Tank

RC Spy Tank
$129.99
The amazing RC Spy Tank has a built-in video camera that transmits live videos to your iPhone or iPad, ...

Random Products

Harley Quinn Pint Glass

Harley Quinn Pint Glass
$12.95
This Harley Quinn pint glass holds 16 ounces of your favorite beverage and is sure to be a hit at ...

Classical Music Masterpieces

Classical Music Masterpieces
$99.99
Imagine finding all of the world's greatest classical music in one compact set! From romantic and relaxing to somber ...

RC Spy Tank

RC Spy Tank
$129.99
The amazing RC Spy Tank has a built-in video camera that transmits live videos to your iPhone or iPad, ...

Punxsutawney Phil’s near-Snooki

Facebook Twitter Reddit Digg Pinterest Linkedin Tumblr Stumbleupon Delicious Plusone Email

According to a NASA photograph taken Feb. 1, it will not be sunny today in any portion of the United States, making Punxsutawney Phil’s work relatively easy.

The good news is that folklore suggests winter will end soon. The bad news is the snow accumulation from this storm won’t fully melt until mid-July. The even badder news is that Stormfax.com calculates that Phil is only correct 39% of the time, which is about the same amount of beef that’s in Taco Bell’s “Taco Meat Filling.” The remainder of the time, “fill” is:

water, isolated oat product, salt, chili pepper, onion powder, tomato powder, oats (wheat), soy lecithin, sugar, spices, maltodextrin (a polysaccharide that is absorbed as glucose), soybean oil (anti-dusting agent), garlic powder, autolyzed yeast extract, citric acid, caramel color, cocoa powder, silicon dioxide (anti-caking agent), natural flavors, yeast, modified corn starch, natural smoke flavor, salt, sodium phosphate, less than 2% of beef broth, potassium phosphate, and potassium lactate.

If lieu of actual on-the-scene reporting, one can only use speculation and myth to theorize the events at Gobbler’s Knob or simply create wild assumptions in place of tested science-based predictions — such as removing a groundhog from its burrow in order to ascertain weather trends and patterns proven wrong 60% of the time. With this benchmark as a guide, it is hereby foretold this Groundhog Day …

Punxsutawney Phil accidentally shoots self in thigh at nightclub, predicts 20 more months of prison with good behavior.


Punxsutawney Phil fails to see shadow due to proximity of Kim Kardashian in relation to the sun, anticipates early spring.

Punxsutawney Phil predicts Natalie Portman will win Best Actress for her portrayal in “Black Swan” despite having not seen the film.

Punxsutawney Phil caught texting pictures of his woodchuck to Jets sideline reporter, predicts 5 or 6 more inches of something.

Confused by new zodiac, Punxsutawney Phil felt more laid back and whimsical than his normal punctual, go-getter self and will get to this by Friday.

Punxsutawney Phil sues Capitol Hill cafeteria after olive pit splits his tooth, settles for an undisclosed number of weeks left of winter.

Punxsutawney Phil up late at Charlie Sheen’s house. Was not aware of today’s significance.

Taco Meat Filling does not sit well. The part of “Punxsutawney Phil” will be played today by the marmot understudy.

Phil files sexual harassment lawsuit against two Punxsutawney council members, who claim it was consensual. Winter to end as trial begins.

MTV wanted Snooki to replace Punxsutawney Phil but town nixes idea. A forecast of an early spring, everyone still thought it was her.

Punxsutawney Phil still confused by Inception. Thinks spring in 6 weeks is a dream within a dream within a dream.

50cent  Ill holla at ya RT @PhilPunxPhil: @50cent 6 weeks? I’m down with that…give me a holla! lol

>> Follow: @SoapyJohnson on Twitter.

>> Comment: Place it on Lucky Dan on Facebook.

© 2011 – 2014, Soapy Johnson. All rights reserved.

Facebook Twitter Reddit Digg Pinterest Linkedin Tumblr Stumbleupon Delicious Plusone Email