Feb. 1, 2004 — Julius Peppers forces a Tom Brady fumble with 29 seconds left and Reggie Howard returns it for a touchdown as the Carolina Panthers win Super Bowl XXXVIII, defeating the New England Patriots by a score of 36-29. The two teams combine for a record-setting 44 points in the 4th quarter and there are no incidents during the halftime show involving Janet Jackson.
On the other side of the world …
Adam Vinatieri kicks a 41-yard field goal with four seconds remaining to give the New England Patriots a 32-29 victory over the Carolina Panthers, the team’s second Super Bowl title in three years. Janet Jackson shows her nipple.
The National Football League continues to give the false impression to countries all over the world that the incorrect team has won the Super Bowl, this under the guise of clothing the planet with mislabeled merchandise rather than destroy it. As part of it’s propaganda campaign to miseducate those in countries most desperate for the truth, the NFL annually donates all pre-printed championship merchandise of the team that does not win the Super Bowl and Conference Championships to aid organization World Vision.
All this time, I thought they just printed the winning team’s shirts and hats really, really quickly.
This year, countries like Zambia, Nicaragua and Romania will be brainwashed into thinking Green Bay QB Aaron Rodgers is a stiff, in ways different from how his predecessor Brett Favre would have Jenn Sterger believe. Armenians already disillusioned by cologne choices will be baited into accepting that Ben Roethlisberger overcame a rollercoaster four-game suspension to start the season for violating the NFL’s personal conduct policy, and led the Pittsburgh Steelers to the title — all because the hat told them so.
In countries like El Salvador, Scott Norwood is a rockstar. In parts of Indonesia, the Buffalo Bills are revered for winning four straight. On the contrary, in Ghana, it’s widely regarded that four-time champion Minnesota is hated for its perennial Super Bowl success, mainly due to all the Vikings sweatshirts and heavy-wool apparel. Winless in five trips to the big game, the San Francisco 49ers are generally considered a laughing stock to many impoverished people in Africa and Latin America. To them, Joe Montana has never been to Disneyworld.
Misinformed families in Sierra Leone are still confused as to how the New York Jets can win this year’s AFC title game by defeating Pittsburgh, yet the Steelers go on to win the Super Bowl. Good going, NFL.
Here’s a better idea: Sell the merchandise on Ebay.
The folks forking out huge sums for these exclusive, rare collectables most likely watched the game so they can’t be fooled. Instead of clothing the world with ignorance and only thinking this one step through, turn that same generous offering into profits then buy even better clothing and donate that plus the extra windfall to these same countries — and be honest with the people of Haiti about the Buffalo Bills.
Something needs to be done soon. The moment a Nigerian kid is tented in a “American Size XXL” and the lower hem touches the ground, the Ebay value drops considerably and the child starts to grow up thinking Drew Brees can’t get it done on the big stage.
It’s long been understood that wearing Super Bowl merchandise only confirms you couldn’t afford to go to the game. Now, for less money, well-paying fans can have a unique conversation piece to show the world they never went to a game that didn’t actually exist.
Whether wearing it or displaying it on a wall, how would those “Super Bowl XLII Champion — 19-0 Undefeated Patriots” hats and shirts sell in Boston and beyond? Here in the United States, Eli Manning threw the pass, David Tyree somehow caught it and the Giants won that game.
The people in Uganda deserve to know the truth.
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