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The $100 scratch-off challenge

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Q.  Do you believe in life after love? Something inside me says, I really don’t think you’re strong enough.

Can you believe Andrew Luck is staying at Stanford? Do you feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?

A.   I admit I don’t have any idea what the hell you’re talking about. I can call 9-1-1 for you — it sounds like you might thank me later.

You must be my lucky star. ‘Cause you shine on me wherever you are. I just think of you and I start to glow and I need your light and baby you know. I may or may not have been drinking.

Thanks for clarifying. I think I might be able to talk you down. It appears we need to get you back to the future. Tell me, in what condition is the flux capacitor?


I’ll check. And giving you a heads-up, when you return me to present day, I won’t be wearing pants. I’ll need you to bring a pair. Long story. I think mom might be pregnant.

Bummer. That’s sure to come back somehow. Strange with all you seem to have going on that you’re still concerned with Andrew Luck staying in school and not entering the NFL Draft. You seem consumed by luck, also mezcal. Cher and Madonna? Is that transvestite bar you hang out at offering free wi-fi again? If so, that’ll boost traffic. It’s certainly convenient to the wig shop. There’s something odd about your story, not sure if I can help. Best of luck with what you’ve done to your family, Marty, and don’t forget to buy yourself a Father’s Day present.

I can’t outjock a jockey. Yes, I’m still in your year 2011. Your Justin Bieber amuses me. I have been shamed. You leave me no choice, I challenge you to a duel. Name the stakes.

Funny you should mention this. I just happen to have five $20 scratch-off lottery tickets in front of me. I accept your challenge. Put $100 on whatever you want — small con, big con, however you want to do it. I go with $20 scratch-offs because the odds are a winner every 2.65 tickets and a win of any kind is usually a good start towards the investment — the high limit slots of the mini-mart casino. I bought each ticket at a different store to mix it up. Along the way was a karma-friendly drop-off at Goodwill, a slate all but wiped clean after the accident I almost caused while trying to merge lanes.

In addition to making $100 worth of lottery tickets legitimately tax deductable by completing this sentence, it really doesn’t matter what I say at this point and I’ll prove it by adding little to nothing to the original thought.

  • Day 1. Start = $100
  • Store #1 = $0
  • Store #2 = $0
  • Store #3 = $30
  • Store #4 = $20
  • Store #5 = $30
  • Overall: -$20. Total = $80

Let it all ride, four more. Taking note that at Store #3, an elderly lady in a church dress standing in line before me purchased a can of Kodiak chewing tobacco. Very possibly the last thing I would have expected. Penthouse? Trojans? Maybe. Chew? Did not see that coming. At Store #4, the clerk said “good luck, sweetee” when she handed me the ticket.” That can only be good.

  • Day 2. Start = $80
  • Store #1 = $25
  • Store #3 = $0
  • Store #4 = $0
  • Store #5 = $100
  • Overall: +$25. Total = $125

Sweetee!! Will buy five more and tuck $25 in the mattress.

  • Day 3. Start = $125
  • Store #1 = $0
  • Store #2 = $0
  • Store #3 = $0
  • Store #4 = $0
  • Store #5 = $20
  • Overall: -$80. Total = $45
Disaster. Nobody in a good mood except, of course, #5. I was wished good luck while the other four store clerks appeared to be involved in a robbery attempt I had walked into and they focused more on keeping me from becoming a witness. Maybe that was my luck, hopefully not. I didn’t read anything in the news so maybe just a bad day. Off to find a pair of $20’s from the friendliest stores I’ve been to.
  • Day 4. Start = $45
  • Store #4 = $30
  • Store #5 = $0
  • Overall: -$15. Total = $35

I’d quit but I vowed to continue until I can’t buy more, or stopping with a profit became too good of an idea. There’s a new $20 game out. Forget the old game, try the new one and if they don’t have it, turn around and go home.

“Not in yet,” she said. That’s fine, head home and wait til tomorrow and try again. “Sorry, sweetie.” My ears perked up and I decided to give the old game one last try.

  • Day 5. Start = $35
  • Store #5 = $0
  • Overall: -$10. Total = $15

It’s always a woman. Well, I’m done. How are you doing so far?

Dude, that was like a week ago. You never brought me my pants. Biff and I are in a civil union and we adopted the child I had with mom. Worst hangover I ever had. Something about the lottery?

Sorry. Just my luck.

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>> Comment: Place it on Lucky Dan on Facebook.

© 2011 – 2012, Soapy Johnson. All rights reserved.

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