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Random Products

5 Axis Adjustable Tablet Stand

5 Axis Adjustable Tablet Stand
$189.99
Your tablet is a serious device that brings the world to your fingertips. But you can't experience its full ...

Harley Quinn Pint Glass

Harley Quinn Pint Glass
$12.95
This Harley Quinn pint glass holds 16 ounces of your favorite beverage and is sure to be a hit at ...

The Hangover Baby Carlos Pint Glass from Warner Bros.

The Hangover Baby Carlos Pint Glass from Warner Bros.
$7.99
Get ready for some serious hijinks with the gang from The Hangover with this cool pint glass! This 16 oz. ...

UFOs Identified. Now IFOs.

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We want to believe. Either that or we’re way too easily entertained. There’s been an increasing number of apparent UFO sightings as of late and by the math: ONE makes the person who saw it crazy; TWO is a coincidence and; THREE becomes “Oh my God, they’re going to kill us all!!” But let’s not overreact.

It’s the government telling us there isn’t an alien threat and we should disregard all evidence to the contrary — we’re supposed to rest easy because they always tell us what we want to hear. But let’s not get conspiratorial.

Coincidence breeds theory. One guy reporting this — warm-up the straightjacket — it’s assumed he’s missing crucial screws. Jeff Goldblum was considered to be nuts at the outset of “Independence Day” but by the end his foresighted claims were validated. Had Goldblum not also been deemed somewhat off his rocker in “The Fly,” Jurassic Park,” or nearly every film he’s ever made, it’s possible Bill Pullman might have believed him sooner. The problem was casting.

There’s a rhythm to these things. Remember that first shark attack in the Summer of 2001? Neither do I. Do you remember the second shark attack during the Summer of 2001? There was something about it on CNN. From there, it became the lead story whenever anybody went to the beach. The Summer of 2001 was “Shark Attack Round-the-Clock Kill Swimmers 24/7 Cable News Jawsapalooza” and the news outlets that titled its coverage “Blood in the Water” were the same ones telling us it was safe, America’s beaches were open for business.

The seed was planted — even in the minds of those swimming in ponds 2,000 miles from the nearest salt water — that, at any moment, a Great White might suddenly leap from the water and bite your leg completely off. Video clips of SNL’s “Landshark” were meant to take the edge off and soothe us with laughter but the moment Laraine Newman receives her ill-fated Candygram, you’re reminded that the threat had become so severe that it might indeed reach turf. Then where to turn?


Shark attacks vs. UFO sightings. What’s the difference? Once is random, twice bridges the stories and the third time is permission to milk it for what it’s worth. Aliens are seemingly everywhere these days — a steady stream of odd occurrences accompanied by eyewitness testimony, HD quality footage and corroboration from different sources all telling the same story from a variety of angles. This should be the biggest story going. Why not?

I have a theory why this is happening but first — full disclosure — I saw a UFO when I was 9 years old. My father had noticed a white dot in the night sky and mentioned it to us because it didn’t seem to follow any particular flight pattern. A jet or satellite streaks in a straight line across the sky while this thing was bouncing around like Zeus playing Pong. We all watched as two jets quickly converged and the white dot stopped — in mid-air, it just stopped. Then it streaked across the sky and vanished. The jets cut their speed and gave up, as if you could almost imagine the pilots scratching their heads. So many people saw it too, the story was on the front page the following day.

And this is nearly the same thing this guy saw last week in Centreville, VA. He wasn’t alone. In the past year, Manhattan, Hong Kong, El Paso, Richmond, Hawaii, Australia, Great Britain, shutting down airports in China, Norway, China again, Norway again, Mexico, Cleveland, Moscow, Indiana. Military officers recently discussed hundreds of unidentified sightings throughout their career and the United Nations in September appointed an ambassador tasked with greeting aliens who attempt contact with Earth.

Maybe tabloid television has learned it’s lesson from 2001. Conventional (sensational journalism) wisdom would disagree and dictate this to be a bigger story than it is. It’s human nature that once enough people begin to believe something, a wave develops and the nonsensical is somehow much easier to reconcile.

The problem is, the template remains that the people who report UFOs are insane (i.e. Richard Dreyfuss + mashed potatoes). Nobody laughs at the UFO, they laugh at the people who saw it or claim they were probed.

Joan Rivers pegged it when she said “UFOs are never spotted at Harvard, they never land at Yale. It’s always a trailer park.” The media can’t take these stories seriously without altering the template — you can’t validate Goldblum and Dreyfuss but not the trailer park.

It’s easy to fake a UFO sighting, it’s hard to fake a shark bite. You can’t call someone crazy if they’re missing most of their thigh.

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