Monday December 18th 2017

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Natl Thanksgiving at Airport Day

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Say one thing about the TSA, they now have all three initials firing: Transportation, check. Safety, check. Administration, so to speak. But they’re apparently now after more T & A than passengers are willing to offer.

Based on stepped-up security measures, the airport X-ray line is now the “in” place if you’re looking for heavy petting with a chance for third base.

Did you hear the news? National Opt-out Day will be held Wednesday, Nov. 24, historically the busiest airport travel day of the year. The goal is to send a message to Washington that airline passengers “have a right to privacy and buying a plane ticket should not mean that we’re guilty until proven innocent,” says the website.

Did you hear the other news? National “Spend Thanksgiving Stranded at the Airport” Day will be Thursday, Nov. 25 and extend through Sunday.


The battle lines are drawn.

Not as if the TSA didn’t have this coming, you simply can’t touch a guy’s junk. You also can’t force him into a body scanner he wishes to avoid due to skin cancer concerns, now reportedly 20 times higher than originally estimated.

It takes just one Al-Qaeda shithead to mess this up for everybody and we’re the ones having to deal. Belts, shoes, laptops, jewelry, foil-wrapped cucumber, it’s a hassle.

The TSA can’t take a compliment. If it looks like’s like a dude’s packing a ton of C-4 in his underwear, maybe he is just happy to see you. Maybe you’re the reason he took this flight and this is his only chance to get close to you, the security line. He knew your shifts and scheduled this flight weeks ago, just to be coy. Now he’s here, he picked your line and simply can’t control his excitement. Maybe the invasive pat-down procedure is exactly what he’s hoping for.

Look at what’s been banned. By viewing the pattern in reverse, we’ve learned that people have attempted to take down planes with: belts, shoes, laptops, guns, knives, scissors, box cutters, sharp objects, explosives, liquids, chemicals, ink and toner cartridges, genital bombs, stuff smuggled in luggage that didn’t belong to a passenger, stuff smuggled in luggage that did belong to a passenger, stuff mailed in UPS or FedEx boxes. It goes on.

You know how you spot Al-Qaeda? They’re the ones who don’t pack their 3 ounce liquid containers in a 1 quart-sized, clear, plastic, zip-top bag.

And we’re lucky Al-Qaeda chose UPS. The new jingle? “When a suspicious package from Yemen is intercepted in London, that’s logistics …” If they had used the U.S. Postal Service, forget finding it. I’m still waiting for an update on a package I shipped in May. Tracking shows it shipped, no sign of it since. Call UPS or FedEx and at any moment they can tell you what direction the label is facing and which package yours is 69ing. This is what brown can do for you.

USPS lost $8.5 billion last year, which is worse when you realize they thought it’d be $7 billion back in July. This was their forecast to stockholders, essentially, and they now need to ask Daddy for another $1.5B. This is the equivalent value of the New York Yankees — that’s how far off they were — or Twitter, Manchester United, the James Bond franchise. Throw another one on the fire.

I’m not saying you wouldn’t have mistakes if airline security was handled by the private sector but you’d certainly have a lot more accountability, efficiency and a much better answer than reaching down a random passenger’s pants. It pains me to see Joy Behar and Whoopi Goldberg click to another website by the end of this sentence but it’s essential that certain similarities be recognized if seeking a realistic means of maintaining security.

Earlier this year, a group of Islamic scholars issued a fatwa that full-body scanners violate Islamic law. This week, CAIR argued that Muslim women with head scarves only be touched on the head and neck when passing through security. For everyone else, Missouri Senator Claire McCaskill dismissed genital handshakes as “love pats” and wasn’t this the same point the “touch my junk, I’ll have you arrested” guy was making? Consider: the specific need to find what was in John Tyner’s underwear was done so at random. Genius.

To remedy this, I propose a new term — Organic Profiling:

“The ability to better seek out terrorists using race demographics pointing to historical probability but doing so in a manner characteristic with natural growth and evolution.”

Example: “The administration looks to pursue an organic profiling approach as a means to gather support from both sides in the fight against terrorism.”

How’s it work exactly? Who knows. If that doesn’t do it, ask all passengers to demonstrate the Al-Qaeda super secret mega-Jihad power handshake and if they know it, arrest them. If they have a membership card, even better.

Okay, Whoopi and Joy, you can come back to the page now. A new word for you …

Urban Dictionary: “Organic Profiling”PUBLISHED.

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