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Tom Brady’s not so Shawty Mane

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Rounding out “Quarterback Week” is New England’s Tom Brady, who must man up and answer the bell or else some serious fissures in the space-time continuum will render our planet useless. Brady’s hair is now so long that Justin Bieber sensed his tender, young territory marked and called the old man out.

Don’t underestimate the potential of what’s just happened.

It was all fun and games at the NBA Finals, when Brady unveiled his youthful new do. Then Randy Moss said what many of us have been thinking but kept to ourselves and now it’s come to this. Yesterday, Justin Bieber created a slight breach of etiquette by skipping the triple dare and going right for the coup de grace of all dares, the sinister triple-dog-dare.

In later half 19th century Wild West days, what we’d be witnessing is a shaggy-haired cowboy named Brady, with dead aim, a fast draw and no fear under pressure. He’s summoned from his saloon poker game by a man with a note — it has to be a messenger because Tom’s would-be assailant and is too young to enter the bar. The note reads:

“Sacked like a sacker. Call up Mr. Brady. Tell him to leave his hair to the guy who sings ‘Baby.’


A gunfight ensues.

Tupac had Notorious B.I.G.; Britney had Christina; The Beatles had the Stones; I dare say this is bigger. Every defensive lineman in the NFL now knows it’s hip to rhyme “Brady” with “baby” — this may not end well.

Justin singing a tender rhyme while dropping Tom’s name is one thing. When a 16-year old Canadian heartthrob raps it — rapping for the first time and choosing YOU as his bull’s-eye to show his street cred cojones — he’s measuring his authority and reminding a man twice his age who owns it (the hairstyle). For the love of Bill Belichick, Justin created a rapping alter-ego specifically for this project — Shawty Mane. I repeat: Shawty Mane!!

This has to be answered.

It’s pathetic if you’re Brady having to address this but equally pathetic if you’re a teen feeling the urgency to guard that head turf and choosing “regrettably white rapper” as your delivery system. Either way, a failure in response and Brady will forever be Justin’s bitch. And this is being commanded by someone who did this; who has his own line of nail polish.

What’s worse is that Brady didn’t earn this coveted third and final spot in Place it on Lucky Dan’s salute to troubled QBs because he operated an interstate dog fighting ring on his property or allegedly texted photos of his junk to a woman he quite possibly may have wanted to insert. As ridiculous as it seems that the highest paid quarterback in the history of the NFL is on this list due to a hairstyle, it’s almost refreshing that he didn’t try to outperform Michael Vick or Brett Favre. Three Super Bowl rings and married to the highest paid supermodel in the world (who requested the longer hair), you don’t need a swastika carved into your scalp to set the gossip world off it’s axis.

But now that Bieber has issued the triple-dog-dare, it has to go down — Brady needs to stick his tongue on the pole. If you haven’t seen “A Christmas Story,” well, never mind — it’s exactly what your mind is telling you (Justin Bieber wants Tom Brady down there). You’re disgusting.

Why can’t Tom Brady have long hair? In all fairness, Bieber had it first, no question. Actually, there’s every reason to believe Justin Bieber exited the womb with this exact hairstyle, even post-placenta rinse. Peter Tork, Bobby Sherman, The Fab Four, Robby Benson, Adam Rich, Ron Perlman — to name a few. Hair has been done before. No reason anyone can’t decide to shave it all off or take it to a ridiculous length or proportion without being compared to a 16-year old.

It comes down to what’s perceived as age appropriate. In the “two men say they’re Jesus; one of them must be wrong” way of looking at things, there’s a reason it’s called the “Bieber cut.” So, one must assume that if it’s not okay for Tom Brady, it’s not okay for anyone else 32 years of age or older, including this Justin Bieber or this Justin Bieber.

That said, some would say it’s a bit unfitting for an Ontario-born youngster to rap or speak like he’s under the impression he’s a founding member of Public Enemy. Something isn’t consistent with the nearly phosphorescent reality. I’d suggest this is encouraged in order to eliminate any sugary-sweet Donny Osmond potential while attracting a harder edge that spans age and demographics, otherwise known as “marketing.”

The fact that “justin bieber nude” has been showing up as a Google search term that somehow refers people to this Lady Gaga story, tells me that a (hopefully small) portion of society is willing to let him play the game. Other than the admission that lines may have been crossed with the Kim Kardashian (who turns 30 next week) photo shoot — where Justin was allowed within torpedo range of lady parts belonging to Kim — being allowed to grow up and act grown up has not been necessarily discouraged for Justin.

Miley Cyrus, different story. Controversy after controversy, all because she’s too young. It’s not okay for Miley, 17, to dress like a 17-year old slut but apparently okay for 52-year old Madonna. Miley can’t work a stripper pole, show a ton of skin, walk the Valley without a bra or give a lap dance without it being perceived as a crime against nature. She turns 18 in November and this will never be discussed again. Maybe in December, people start to find out who Taylor Momsen is.

If it’s okay for Justin to act older, it should be equally acceptable for Miley. If it’s okay for Madonna to dress younger, it’s okay for Tom Brady to grow his hair. But the last thing Brady needs is to be seen with his tongue frozen on a flag pole while everyone in class watches and the fire trucks roll up. Whether or not Samson gives into pressure and cuts his mane, he needs to respond. The delivery system is up to Tom.

What’s being forgotten in all of this is that Gisele Bündchen telling you to do something does not make a man whipped. Let me say that again: the man is married to Gisele Bündchen. There is no amount of sissy Kryptonite in the universe that can possible emasculate Brady at this point, he’s inoculated. If she demands you wear a clown suit, this does not make you a clown. Paper, rock, scissors — Gisele trumps any potential for embarrassment associated with the claim. If she wants you to wear your hair long, everyone understands why you might have long hair. Remove Gisele from the picture and a clown may very well emerge. All the more reason Brady needs to nip this in the bud.

Lose the fight, lose the girl. Lose the girl, lose the battle. Your move, Tom.

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