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Dirty Jobs: Charlie Sheen’s publicist

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Charlie Sheen. (Insert punchline here).

I blame the prostitute. You’d think that by now, an escort would realize that a night out with Charlie might conclude with a frantic 9-1-1 call and there’s a better than 85% chance that she’s the one making it.

At least give that to Eliot Spitzer — a hooker never called the cops to say the Governor couldn’t find his wallet and cell phone, so he went berserk. It’s the little things like this that earn a person a second look and likely led to the rebound opportunity that is “Parker Spitzer.” Eliot never went on extended cocaine binges while on vacation with family and CNN no doubt saw this when they gave him that second chance, an 8pm slot in prime time despite no broadcasting experience whatsoever. During the interview process, you should haven’t to point out that you’d never destroy a hotel room or scare a prostitute witless and fearing for her life — that should be the reason you got the interview in the first place. They already know. Kudos to you.

“Sheen’s publicist Stan Rosenfield said the 45-year-old actor had reacted badly to an unspecified medication.” We’re learning that at least two of these medications were cocaine and alcohol.

Here’s what we know:


Sheen returns to the Plaza Hotel after partying in New York with an escort; he can’t find his phone and wallet, accuses her of stealing them and flies into a naked rage that causes $7,000 of damage to the suite; the girl calls for help and is found fearing for her life, screaming inside a locked closet. Ex-wife Denise Richards is in the next suite with the couple’s two kids when security guards discover him naked, drunk and admitting he snorted “a recreational drug.” Sheen screams slurs at police,  who give him the option of the hospital or the police station.

He chooses Option #1.

This is a publicist’s worst nightmare. Luckily for the client, he didn’t get arrested. If this was favoritism by NYPD, that won’t go over well. Might cocaine have been found in the room had police thoroughly searched it? Sheen admitted using and that’s usually all they need. Possession of cocaine is still illegal, in case anyone’s wondering. Unless everyone gets a pass on this now — had this been your room and not the $1,000 per night Eloise Suite and you didn’t represent 40% of the 2.5 men — I’m thinking that you don’t get to choose hospital over jail and they search the hell out of your room, whether you like it or not. Just saying.

AND there’s a frightened hooker locked in your closet.

You have to read through the quotes and bullet-points to see what Sheen’s handlers have to work with.

“What we are able to determine is that Charlie had an adverse allergic reaction to some medication and was taken to the hospital,” Rosenfield said [also admitting he has a job so difficult that Mike Rowe refused to do it].

A spokesman for the actor insisted nothing illegal had happened [although soliciting prostitution, reckless endangerment and violation of probation come to mind].

The Plaza isn’t pressing charges [which can only mean they’ve been promised reimbursement and likely in excess of $7,000. Not being overly cynical, just that if Sheen isn’t charged with a crime in New York then it’s doubtful he can be accused of violating probation in Colorado. The act of not pressing charges is of significant value above the cost of repairs and money is hardly an issue].

The escort isn’t pressing charges [see above]. Actually, she’s a porn star.

Sources originally said Sheen was to be released from the hospital, returning to Los Angeles where he’d immediately check into rehab at Promises in Malibu. [He reportedly headed straight back to work, with no rehab scheduled].

You know it’s bad when The Hangover 2 fires you and replaces you with Mel Gibson. [This hasn’t happened … yet. It’s the work of the publicist and Sheen’s bankroll to make certain this sentence is never formed].

The Plaza Hotel website says that pets are not permitted in the Eloise Suite, but one starts to realize that filling the room with pit bulls at the height of sexual receptiveness might be a better option after Tuesday’s incident. Don’t tell me money doesn’t buy you cover.

Keith Moon was fond of exploding hotel toilets with M-80s and dynamite and this got The Who banned from many of the finest hotels, including the Waldorf-Astoria. Roger Daltrey says the Waldorf manager changed his mind when he realized the band had covered a large percentage of their overall remodeling costs. The band was more than happy to overpay for repairs and was allowed back, with the hotel placing them in sections of the hotel they wanted repaired anyway. Daltrey said that Keith went back to blowing up plumbing and the Waldorf got a new ballroom. It was win-win.

No reason Charlie Sheen can’t meet with escorts. He has a history of doing so, and it’s not as if he’s married — or is he still married? I can’t remember how this played out. Christmas Day, he didn’t cut her head off, he only threatened to. Okay, now I remember. This could have been a reaction to holiday anxiety, possibly a lingering post-traumatic stress disorder from filming “Platoon.” The damage control machine is always cranking if you’re on Sheen’s staff.

A theory where your client imagines interviewing the president and demands answers about 9/11? Better have a defense maneuver crafted and ready to launch. He’s suffering from exhaustion. Playing characters named “Charlie” in both Spin City and Two and a Half Men can be very confusing. When Sheen’s Wikipedia page contains four paragraphs on career, one on awards and honors and seven on personal life, his public relations staff is earning it’s 10%.

The hardest job in show business, Sheen’s assistant was seen loading suitcases into a car at the Plaza, shortly after police arrived to question the hotel manager. Security guards were stationed outside the actor’s room. Even at 2:30am, ready at a moment’s notice.

Here Sheen is one week from completing probation, but Lindsay Lohan is the one who needs jail? If Lindsay was pulling down $1.88 million a week on a cush, overrated sitcom and Sheen was the one begging for D-list appearance fees and resin, we’d be seeing Lindsay comfortably grease her way out of trouble while Charlie ventures in and out of court, prison and orange jumpsuits. Am I saying Charlie’s unfathomable income has been literally buying his way out of jail? No, I’m saying that Lindsay’s lack of it means she can’t afford to.

Has anyone asked the important question? Where is the wallet and cell phone? He surely must have located them by now. Where were they? Like when you can’t find your sunglasses and spend hours searching, only to find out they’ve been on your head the entire time? This could be a very entertaining punchline to an already funny joke.

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