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Random Products

Green Arrow Pint Glass from Warner Bros.

Green Arrow Pint Glass from Warner Bros.
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This Green Arrow pint glass holds 16 ounces of your favorite beverage and is sure to be a hit at ...

Superman Caped Pint Glass from Warner Bros.

Superman Caped Pint Glass from Warner Bros.
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This 16 ounce Superman pint glass comes with a removable cape! Although the glass is dishwasher safe, hand washing is ...

Batman: Arkham City Mr. Freeze Statue By Dave Cortes from Warner Bros.

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$149.95
Time to chill! Based on the video game Batman: Arkham City and the art of Dave Cortes, this action figure ...

Brett Favre’s one ringy dingy

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Since it’s “Quarterback Week” at Place it on Lucky Dan, Brett Favre has refused to be ignored, much like this story. It’s been so easy to disregard the annual pre-season retirement drama that when news broke last week of his quest for Jenn Sterger, it slipped comfortably into one ear, the surprise being how stubbornly it refused to slip out the other.

I think I speak for everyone, we should be a bit more timid when checking our cell phone messages than we were just a few days ago.

For background, Jenn Sterger is hot. She was discovered when a TV cameraman fixed focus on her during a Florida State football game and for several days refused to pan away. Just the sight of her in a crowd launched a career as a model, actress, reporter, TV host and personality — this is all you need to know about the level of attractiveness involved in this story. People needed only a glimpse of her and she was well on her way — most notably as a sideline reporter for the New York Jets.

A 41-year old married father of two, on the road alone and fully engorged with the horn for a fetchingly attractive young lady, this is hardly the demographic of a person who — wait a second, forget everything I was about to say. This is exactly the situation that leads us here.

Let’s add that the man is influential within the organization they share as an employer, as well as the National Football League plus the ability to conceivably call in a favor in every state in the nation except Wisconsin. For one to believe the base elements of this story, this man also has faith he can apparently have what he wants just by leaving a phone message. Whether this method usually works or not is for allegations you will not find on this website. I’m already dizzy walking a tightrope of slander and fully understand that if Favre’s attorneys are anything like him, they too have phones and aren’t afraid to use them.


This all ALLEGEDLY happened during the 2008-2009 season [original source Deadspin.com article here and is NSFW. Cannot stress this enough — unless your work involves seeing pictures of male genitalia, in which case you may find this link tame. I don’t judge.] so the timing of the story leaking in the days leading up to Favre’s Vikings playing the Jets tonight in New York on Monday Night Football seems far too cute to be organic. Sure, these things sometimes happen by coincidental timing but sometimes these things don’t actually happen by coincidental timing. Somewhere, somehow, this story breaks now — three weeks before election day. It should be no surprise that Jets opposition research unveils its October surprise in, of all months, October.

Not that I’m suggesting the Jets had anything to do with this, I should stress that. I’m only typing letters that somehow form words and these words are only allegedly forming sentences. Seriously, I don’t think the Jets are in any way involved, even though they do seem to have a habit of finding themselves in situations featuring repulsively unappealing women parading their sidelines and causing problems throughout the league.

From the gist of Favre’s alleged correspondence with Sterger, he never spoke with her face to face. He called her and expected that would be enough. Maybe it’s worked in the past for similar NFL players with similar sideline reporters — I’m in no way implying that Favre actually made these calls or sent these pictures. While it’s possible (due to the phone number, the sound of the voice on the recording or the Green Bay Packers Super Bowl ring* on the hand tightly gripping the texted Johnson), it’s by no means even remotely suggested that Favre sports the Johnson in question.

Whomever sent these texts had to assume that when a phone message didn’t do the trick, Step Two in “The Compleat Gentleman: The Modern Man’s Guide to Chivalry” was to immediately employ the “take a gander at my wang” approach. This, states the guide, usually results in at least a call back. Yes, the “second phone call” or the woefully unsuccessful “actual conversation” were overlooked, as the story leads us to assume. Possibly a text without photos? A quick “how R U? want 2 get 2gether 2nite?” may have led to better results. Allegedly.

It’s also not to be assumed that the person who left the phone message (possibly Favre, possibly not) was implying that his interest in Miss Sterger was by any means sexual in nature. I mention this because the three pictures of penis which followed were clearly designed to eliminate any possible miscommunication that may have resulted from the initial correspondence.

If you’ve seen the pics, his hand should be the giveaway. All you cub reporters and reporterettes who want to take this investigation to 11, should interview every center he’s taken a snap from over the course of a 20-year NFL career. If anyone would recognize the shape and subtleties of that left hand, it’s a man who for so many years in games and in practice has seen it between his own legs, resting just above his own greater testicular region. Frank Winters, Nick Mangold, John Sullivan — I’m talking to you.

Ratings for ESPN** should be near its highest in history tonight, which makes one wonder where the cable network fits in on the timing of this leak. I’m certain Jets fans will have some interesting signs prepared for tonight’s game and I’m thinking: “Hey Favre!! You’re #1 (but the “1” is shaped like a, well, you know what).

*A blatant lie generated for effect, say attorneys for Place it on Lucky Dan. No Super Bowl ring of any kind was featured on the hand in question or in any of the photos, nor do the Green Bay Packers or employees of the NFL have any involvement in relation to this claim (however they are more than welcome to share this story on their individual Facebook pages). No actual attorneys were consulted in regard to the crafting and wording of this disclaimer.

**It is not implied that ESPN had any involvement in this leak or that an actual leak ever took place. Ratings are never a consideration in decision-making. This particular sentence was created by a pair of monkeys forming words by rolling Boggle dice. Each monkey was paid union scale and their safety was overseen by animal rights groups, although one of the monkeys appears to be missing.

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© 2010 – 2013, Soapy Johnson. All rights reserved.

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