Monday December 18th 2017

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Grandfatherly wisdom

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Q.  The lady next to me is eating her mini pepperoni pizza with a knife & fork. I’m picking mine up with my semi-clean hands & devouring it. What’s her deal??

A.  Is it a mini knife and fork? Because that would make it cool again — much cooler than what you’re doing. Eating mini food with mini utensils is highly entertaining. A midget eating mini food with mini utensils is no longer funny. A midget using oversized utensils to eat normal size food is once again hilarious. It’s all about proportions.

That Wendy’s commercial with the guy eating his teeny $2.99 value meal? Amusing at first but not anymore, mainly because of the actor’s refusal to use flatware. Andre the Giant using miniature chop sticks to pick up microscopic sushi may be one of the most absurdly hysterical sights you’ll wish actually happened.

Have you checked to see if this lady conclusively has hands and not some form of knife and fork prosthetics? This would be embarassing to find out later you were talking shit about her now. And while you sit there on your cell phone typing away with your dirty mini-pizza fingers, don’t think she’s not messaging all her friends and saying what a slob you are. Six degrees of separation and we may find someone who gets both of your texts and has to choose which friend to believe. Will it be you?

The simple rule is: Eating pizza with a knife and fork does not make this person a freak, just as your slap and stuff method doesn’t make you gorging porker.

You ask how I’m so easily able to reconcile your current circumstance and I’m very glad you did. When I was about 8 years old, I mentioned to my grandfather that my dad would sometimes eat fried chicken with a knife and fork while the rest of us just picked it up and ate it. My grandfather proceeded to impart wisdom in the form of words that would stick with me forever.


He said, “everybody’s different. It doesn’t make it wrong if you use a knife and fork or if you pick it up with your hands. Your father was raised differently, that’s all. It’s more proper to use a knife and fork and that’s probably the correct way but you should do whatever feels right. Your father is the type of person who — if he’s in the shower and he has to pee — he’d turn off the water, towel himself off, go to the toilet and then pee. Me? I just let it fly. Doesn’t make it right, doesn’t make it wrong.”

I assume you already finished eating.

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