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The 2009 Worst of the Worst

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Q.  This being the year married men could not keep their pants on, which one of these guys is the lowest of the lows?

The contestants:

  1. Tiger Woods, banging whores while his wife was 7 months pregnant.
  2. David Letterman, banging an intern while on vacation with his wife and kids.
  3. Mark Sanford, Governor of South Carolina, whose state and wife can’t find him because he’s banging in South America.
  4. John Edwards, banging his campaign videographer while his wife is suffering from cancer.
  5. Eliot Spitzer, Governor of New York, spending taxpayer’s money to bang high end escorts.
  6. Rick Pitino, University of Louisville coach, banging some lady on a restaurant floor while his assistant coach is in the other room; gets her pregnant and pays for the abortion.
A. Many interesting angles and motives make these weasels different. Every guy on this list has power, money and influence and that’s the lure — not exactly the “Babe Magnet 6.” In reverse order, I’d say …

6. RICK PITINO. It’s hypocrisy that moves you up this list and I never heard Pitino preaching to his players that they should never — under any circumstances — bang some lady on a restaurant floor with the assistant coach in the other room, get her pregnant and pay for her abortion. I’m not saying he encouraged any specific aspect of the scenario either, just that I’ve never seen a post-game interview where he expressed this as his mantra or focused on instilling this in his play-calling. It’s not as if Louisville has been churning out rapists who insist on paying for the abortion, but I should check Wikipedia to be sure. Maybe it’s southern courtesy I hold dear but it’s nice to see chivalry is not dead and he paid for the procedure. I hear so many women complain that a man won’t even offer to pay for the abortion anymore, it’s the sincerity of the gesture that warms your heart. This particular woman paid Pitino back by attempting to extort him and I can’t think of a more classless way to reciprocate for a financed termination.

This sounded consensual, then a domestic situation hit the fan. I think Pitino would be honored that he made a countdown list in 2009 for something that went down in 2003. It still qualifies but …

5. TIGER WOODS. Only because we don’t know enough about it yet. We’re about to learn everything this guy didn’t want us to know he was doing in every city of the world. Earning a billion dollars enables privileges to keep it all private, until now. The wall’s down and the media knows it’s okay to pursue him deeper or purge what they’ve clearly always known. In two weeks, he may very well lead this list. He’s an athlete, young guy with everything and no fear he can’t conquer it and–  we somehow can’t understand why he strayed from his trophy wife? It’s because he’s an athlete, a young guy with everything and no fear he can’t conquer it PLUS a work schedule which allows him to stray from said trophy wife.

The most famous athlete in the world, off to Tokyo to film a razor commercial; Pebble Beach for five days of golf; then NYC, Chicago, Sydney, LA. In the infidelity game, this is referred to as “opportunity.” Not only the bankroll to make any answer “yes” but the lack of any need for an opening with any woman in the world. For a guy with game, he needs no game. “I’m Tiger” and it’s potentially on.


He could have been banging every high-price escort in the world and the story never would have left those rooms. Fact that he mixed some regular people in there is interesting, seems like he wanted contact and relationships away from this huge world that got away from him. But he worked for everything and earned it all. At some point, it’s hard to fault someone for always wanting more and wanting to peek on the other side of the curtain.

“But what about the porn stars?” Um, good question. Thanks for blowing my theory, Mr. Imaginary Voice.

It’s gonna cost him and he’s lost a lot of his edge but maybe he wanted to change his life? Now he can live more comfortably, being known as someone who’s human. Michael Jackson never escaped that bubble and look what happened there. If Tiger fathered children with all these women, you know damn well he’d be able to support them and those kids would benefit from living a good life with an excellent backswing. It’s still early and maybe he corresponded with Charles Manson, we just don’t know yet. If Tiger swung a club like Charles Barkley, we wouldn’t even be having this discussion.

4. MARK SANFORD. Fell out of love with his wife, a fete accompli a long time ago. Ships that passed in the night. He wasn’t tossed from the mansion because he was found knee-deep in Argentinean babe, he was given an ultimatum to end the affair. They’ve clearly been dealing with this for a while. I’ve heard liberal women say they couldn’t fault him for falling in love and that this read like a romance novel — women who would normally hammer a Republican in this situation. Speaking of, John Ensign should be on this list.

Sanford’s a liked governor. Voters don’t see the need to impeach when he’s term-limited with a year left. Opponents have been jockeying to remove him but haven’t found anything to stick him with. This only supports why voters aren’t calling for his head. Spitzer was done the moment his affairs hit because it reeked of hypocrisy. Sanford can probably ride this out. All this did was eliminate his presidential hopes — or any chance of being named assistant mayor of a town with a population of two — but he always used to talk down 2012 and let me guess that this was the reason.

3. DAVID LETTERMAN. I’d like to see the timeline of when these affairs ended. My guess, about the same time the Late Show stopped being funny. By that, I mean, the host got angry. Bitter is funny but angry ain’t and I bet it all corresponds with when he stopped having these relationships, got pigeonholed into monogamy. Even in his apology, he managed to trash his wife — so much so, he had to apologize directly to her the next day. A real apology happens the first time.

He never talked about his then-girlfriend while they dated and finally, seemingly reluctantly, married her after 20 years; only open about it after Harry was born. He’s seen more with his son, rarely caught in public with her. A good chance these relationships kept him happy, young and otherwise interested. But it’s a totally inappropriate advantage to have interns as the venue — you’re using the most vulnerable for your own personal enjoyment. It’s a power structure that’s almost exactly 180 degrees, top to bottom. Not cool.

Picture an intern working in Manhattan and the hard road that entails. Every facet of your life, suddenly able to skip through the layers blocking your way by sucking the knob of the most influential TV personality in the city — and network. This was douchy and clearly a history of it. The story’s been almost completely sanitized and that’s how these Yoda mind-melds work when you ARE the media and control the story. Nothing to see here folks, pay no attention to the man behind the curtain with his pants down. Still douchy.

2. ELIOT SPITZER. Hypocrite. You can’t make your signature issue something that you, in fact, on your own personal time and with public money, truly appreciate partaking in. Like Bob Marley and his “Just Say No” campaign, things go sour when people learn the reggae star has been smoking cannabis. Shocking!!!!

This sleezoid rises to power as a modern-day Eliot Ness, out to clean the city and state. Spitzer made enemies and they pounced at the very first occasion he made available to stop his political heart rate.

I have no issue if someone wants to see an escort. Had Spitzer suggested he was seeking sex from hookers as part of an investigation to obtain first-hand knowledge of how money is exchanged between prostitute and john, different story. It wasn’t as if he was using taxpayer funds to — oh wait a second. So he technically could have deducted this as a legitimate office expense had he taken the approach of meeting escorts for educational purposes. No creativity. Nobody missed this a-hole when his political star was exterminated and that suggests he deserved it.

And the winner is …

1. JOHN EDWARDS. Love when the New York Times chases a story the Enquirer has been working on for three years.

Puts his plaything on payroll using campaign funds, essentially creating a prostitute paid for with other people’s money. Hey there, Mr. Vice President.

He wanted to be president — actively campaigning, not a “maybe” thought in the future like Sanford. There was talk of running mate over Biden, most likely Attorney General. A deal made after the Florida primary, apparently, with both Obama and Hillary, it was reported. This is why he dropped out of the race the way he did. A state primary with no electoral votes and he quits the next day, clearly some sort of arrangement. This would be like the Red Sox conceding a playoff series after a rain out. Edwards vows he didn’t make a deal (meaning he most likely did).

I never understood why the media carried his water. That all changed when the kid actually sort of, well, really, really looked EXACTLY like him. Even still, it took about 6 weeks of a news cycle for everyone to come to grips with it. On the morality scale, I haven’t even gotten to the part about his wife’s cancer and the reluctance to suspend his campaign. It was never about Elizabeth, as he said it was — although she kept quiet throughout, even when the embarrassment arrived in baby form. Husband avoiding photographers, hiding in a hotel bathroom at 3am; lying every step of the way, even in his apology.

American dodged a bullet keeping this douche from the upper levels of confidence. If there’s any karma, he gets cancer and Elizabeth is cured.

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