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Britney’s 27th

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Q.  How ’bout that Britney? Has there ever been such a low bar established for a human being. If she stands, good. If she falls over, well, at least she didn’t flash her junk to the kids. I still don’t get the voice. Never got it, never will. Do you even care about my problems?

A.  I had forgotten she sings. I thought she just got paid to have her picture taken outside various Starbucks locations.

I saw her on GMA this morning — fell for the hype — and have to report, with fondness, the ass has most definitely returned. Crazy in leather pants is still better than crazy in not leather pants. This is great news considering where this thing was just 12 months ago.

Kevin Federline’s the big winner here. This genius walks with millions, all for two years effort and the chance to play penis hockey with Britney Spears in her prime.

Think back at [EXHIBIT A.] what this guy started with and [EXHIBIT B.] how he returns the rental. You wouldn’t treat a hotel room like that. Tired, worn out, out of shape, no self-esteem, talentless and bald? Thanks a lot, Kevin.


He’s a male succubus — an incubus. Forget the money, he ruins her — completely and perfectly.

And now, don’t forget the money.

Everyone told Britney to sign a lock-solid prenup and sorry if we all called this one from the jump but we all called this one from the jump. The moment the initial hints of the idea were forming, we raised our hands at the same time in the hopes of being the first to say we saw it coming. Himalayan Sherpas who barely interact with humans — relying instead solely upon non-verbal communication with livestock — learned of the nuptials and called out “six months, max” to no one within earshot. But even they knew.

When she shaved her head, I didn’t think that was a good look. Danny Bonaduce immediately called it as a means to avoid failing a drug test in a potential custody battle. If anyone knew what he was talking about, it’s a guy who’s likely shaved his head in order to avoid failing a drug test in a potential custody battle. He said hair grows half an inch a month, so 20 inches of hair will provide 40 months of what and for how long. Down to the week, they’d know what she took, if she was on something when she got married (one would assume) or when she was pregnant (not a good idea).

The definition of falling into a bucket of life’s crap is when Danny Bonaduce’s first-hand experience instantly identifies your motives.

It’s a comeback manipulated by marketing and this is the most out of control case I’ve ever seen. The public relations effort behind her not only winning one but THREE VMA awards is unbelievable considering that most logically-minded people with even a hint of Britney’s dealings over the past two years would bet she’d arrive at the correct award show. Based on this same timetable, the Republican Party should be shaving its head any day now, if they have hopes for 2012. Let’s find out what Bonaduce knows about elephants.

All she’s really done is work out and change her diet. Her dad deserves the credit for keeping her away from Carl’s Jr., at 3 am on a Tuesday. Her dance moves are nothing like they used to be. She just flails her arms and stays out of everybody’s way. She’s lost the fire that propelled her to the spotlight and is pretty much going through the motions but she does it in black leather pants. I think I mentioned that.

Impressed as I was, I’m not saying I’d recommend wearing the ass as a hat, facemask or penile warming device — you still need to fear it. Attached to someone in that fragile a state should make a man worry that it — or any other body part — might engulf him whole in in the same way a snake feeds. Everything seems normal, she turns around, next thing you realize you’ve been lodged in her torso for two days while she digests you. They trash her about her weight but, be reasonable, she just took in a 200-pound guy. Of course she looks a bit heavy. Wait a few days, she’ll look great again but this will only mean she’ll be looking to feed.

She only sang on the show, they didn’t interview her. Well they did, for maybe 20 seconds. Britney was asked where she was starting her new U.S. tour and she answered “America.” Seriously not making that up. Then she turns around and you ask why even waste time interviewing the head?

So the return of the ass is a big deal to me and I’m glad to see it back. I balance this with the understanding that the girl attached to it is always a fast food drive-thru appearance away from a lifetime achievement award for bloating, so I hope for the best. It got me awake at 7 am thinking it was worthwhile investment of my time so that’s some serious ass hype.

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